Thursday

I've been feeling rather well lately. Not too bad. Which has been nice. The depressive symptoms have been mild, and when they DO crop up, I'm typically able to keep them at bay (back with you, Ted). The manic symptoms come and go daily, but I'm getting much better at controlling them - at least the giddiness. I have a harder time with the agitation and irritability, but I'm getting there.
I've been a good girl and am doing the homework M gave me - namely, reading something inspirational first thing in the morning. I have 3 books that I'm reading from and I've found it helps. I'm also taking charge of some other aspects of my life. I'm going to the gym regularly, I'm starting to eat healthier, and I'm cutting caffeine out completely. The caffeine I'm AM weaning off of - I don't want to have a withdrawal headache! But in 2 weeks I'll be caffeine free!
I also considered trying to go gluten free. However, I like research and I can't find ANY research to support trying this when I DON'T have a gluten sensitivity (I've been tested before). I HAVE found supporting research on limiting refined carbs and simple sugars though and I'll be doing this. I already try to eat only whole grain cereals and breads, but I'm going to add more complex carbs and try to severely limit my intake of sweets, crackers, bagels, etc. I'm also adding as much fresh fruits and veggies as I can and am looking for alternatives to cookies and other desserts (for example - Nutella on strawberries is HEAVEN!).
The one thing that has not been fun lately are the hallucinations. I haven't been sleeping well AT ALL and I know lack of sleep can perpetuate manic symptoms - one of those being hallucinations. I've had them for 3 days and I hate it. It's terrifying. I see moving shadows, strange orbs of light, pulses of light, my dog appeared the size of a large lab (she's a sheltie mix), I saw a dog where there wasn't one . . . also noises. Hearing strange noises that I know aren't there. Hearing extra voices while listening to music. I've been jumpy because of it and I'm worried it might happen at work. It also means my manic symptoms are escalating. Which is terrifying in and of itself because I may end up having a full blown manic episode and thus be classified as bipolar 1 - something I don't want.
So I'm watching, deep breathing, meditating and controlling the symptoms. I remind myself the hallucinations aren't real. I do my reading. I talk to people. I'm writing. I'm slowing getting better and at least now I can see hope.

Stupid Mania

I wanted to write this sooner, but, to be honest, I wasn't able to concentrate. See, I'm a little hypomanic as of late. The past few days really. And it's very annoying. I'm having a hard time concentrating on writing this and I've done many typos because I want to go fast.
I'm hyper irritable, hyper agitated and starting to feel hyper sexual. I talk fast and loud, and often with an accent. I can't focus. My mind races and I can't stay on topic. I get shaky and fidgety. I snap easily (irritable, cranky). My emotions feel out of control - I may be giddy one minute, raging the next, and utterly emotionally and mentally exhausted the next.
I know it's probably from my medication change. It can make me feel like this before I normalize, but DAMN does it suck big fucking balls.
At least again yesterday my therapy session with M was very good. He helped me to calm down as I couldn't even sit still let alone talk or think. A temporary setback. I'll get through it.
I don't even know if what I typed is coherent -  nor do I really care. I'll try to write more later when my head clears.

Friday

So I had my latest appointment with my psychiatrist, Dr. C. He confirmed what I had suspected - I've been in a mixed episode. How fantastic. Not that I'm surprised. It certainly explains why I was feeling so crappy and all over the place.
Also, my Lithium levels aren't in the therapeutic range yet, so we're upping the Lithium dose. As well as adding Abilify to help with the depression and mixed cycles. Blood levels again in 2 weeks.
My therapy session this week went well. I got quite a bit out of it. Saw some things in a new light, so to speak. Actually teared up during it. I blamed it on being sick. M blamed it on me being more honest and genuine. I'm sure it was the latter.
I've had such a tough time recently. The constant mood swings aren't helping matters at all. I just feel so . . . empty. So utterly lost and empty. I felt it at work today. I usually would joke around with the doctors, connect with the new parents, I'm helping bring a life into the world for God's sake! But at a delivery today, I couldn't muster up any feelings at all. And I mean NO feelings. I went about doing what I needed to do with the baby, checking her out, getting her weight. I joked, I made comments, but I felt none of it. Almost like I'm a spectator in my own body. I'm in control but I'm not conscious.
How horrible is that?
I just want to cry. Just cry. Big ugly sobs. To be comforted and told that everything will get better. Everything HAS to get better. I told M that I feel joy, but I'm not sure I do. Or if I do, it's terribly short lived. Joy with my son, sure, but only in spurts. Joy with my hubby, sure, but only in short bursts. No joy or pleasure in my art, or my sewing, or my job. Forced happiness with friends and family. I want to crawl into the corner or under a blanket and hide. I don't want to deal with people or with anything because it's easier that way. It's getting so hard to keep up the ruse that I'm alright. It's difficult, it's tiring, and I don't know how much longer I can keep it up.
I'm hoping my meds will start working. I'm hoping to have a breakthrough in therapy. I'm joining a bipolar support group hosted by Dr. C and M. I've ordered some motivational books and a book on bipolar. I've treated myself to a bracelet to remind myself I'm worth the fight.
I just hope something works because I'm tired of being the empty husk of the person I used to be.

Thursday

The past 2 weeks have been a virtual roller coaster of emotion. I truly WAS in a mixed state, as quantified by my psychiatrist last night. Depression and irritable hypomania all mixed into one. A constant up and down battle between the withdrawn sadness and hopelessness and the irritable anger with racing thoughts and lack of concentration. It's been terribly taxing on me.
I did, however, have a very good session with my therapist this week. Followed by a good meeting with my psychiatrist. We've upped my Lithium, as I'm not at a therapeutic level yet. He also decided to add Abilify to help counter the depression and the mixed episodes (Abilify is an atypical anti-psychotic). We'll see how that works.
I have nothing profound or deep to say today. I feel very strange at the moment. Like, literally as I type this. Very antsy, nervous, like I'm not getting enough air. Almost like the starting of a panic attack, and I can't seem to focus. I'm wondering if it's the Abilify. I'll have to research that.

Tuesday

I've been having a rough go of it recently. It seems I'm in the midst of a mixed episode. I'm irritable, agitated, anxious, nervous, have racing thoughts and pressured speech. I feel impulsive and annoyed. And then I still have depressive thoughts and feelings. I cycle through these extremes several times a day. Feeling like this is difficult and dangerous. Dangerous because I may say or do something I'll regret later. Which has happened. As evidenced by the self inflicted cuts on my left forearm. 14 of them. In a neat little row. I've never really self harmed. Well, I did once in 6th grade and it hurt, so I never did it again. But I did it Friday and Saturday and felt a sense of calm and control - both during and after. By the way, for someone who doesn't have mental illness, the idea of cutting yourself to feel better sounds ridiculous. So keep your thoughts on that to yourself - I don't need your judgement.
I'm starting to feel like there's no end in sight. I know there is, but it doesn't feel like it. That's about all I can muster up to write right now. Perhaps there will be more later - we'll see.