It's been a month since my last post and I don't know where to start. The past month has been a bit up and down for me. I'm not too pleased with where I am emotionally or mentally. I still feel sub-par. Like I'm floating along just below the surface of the water - I see the light, I see where I want to be, but I can't quite reach it. Top that off with random bouts of irritability and agitation and you can see where I'm at. I don't feel depressed per se, but not me. I'm not sure how to explain it.
I've been doing a lot of thinking/meditation on all of this lately and I've come to a conclusion - I think I may be sabotaging myself. I think I'm so used to how I've been feeling - this down, irritable, withdrawn version of myself - that I don't know how to feel good anymore. I may have 1 or 2 good days, where I actually feel mostly like myself, and then BOOM! It all goes to hell again. But here's the ticker - I think I make it go to hell. I think feeling down has become familiar, comforting almost. And feeling good, well, that adds anxiety into the mix. How long will it last? Do I really feel good? Do I feel good because I'm getting manic? I think I've so conditioned myself to feeling bad that I switch to it automatically when I start feeling better. I try not to. I do. But I don't know how to make it stop. I do positive, inspiring readings in the morning, I work out, I tell myself that it's going to be a good day, that I'll have fun and be happy and not berate myself. And it works, for a short period of time. And then I start thinking about things. My weight, my eating habits of the day, something at work that upset me, all the meds I'm on, how long it is until my next therapy appointment, the fact that I have no PTO time saved up, the fact that I have laundry or dishes to do, or that I haven't sewn or drawn in awhile. The negative thoughts spiral in until I'm beating myself up over nothing in particular, doing it for the sake of doing it. And I can't snap myself out of it. I try. Believe me, I try. I try deep breathing, meditation, telling myself that the thoughts are wrong and not to believe them. But they persist. Sometimes not even consciously. Sometimes, I think they are buried down so I'm not even aware of what I'm doing. Well, on some level I am, but I feel powerless to stop.
Take today for instance. I should be at work right now, but I was put on call. Now, most people would be happy for an extra day off. But me? No. It starts a spiral of self loathing. First off, I think about how have no PTO time so I'm not getting paid. Next, I think about how my hubby feels about it. In my mind, he's mad at me and thinks I was called off on purpose and thinks I'm just being lazy. Then, I'll try and push that aside and make a plan for the day. What am I going to do with this time off that I wasn't counting on. and this, this part is the hardest for me. Because I get anxious. Then I procrastinate. Then I spend too much time on the computer procrastinating more. Then, I beat myself up over procrastinating which makes me feel worse and I accomplish even less. Which leads to me feeling worse and lazy and stupid. I should just be able to get off my ass and get stuff done. But I stare off into space. It's exceedingly annoying. And I know this happens. I know this is what I do. And yet, I can't seem to stop it. That's why I think I'm sabotaging myself from feeling good.
On another note, in therapy this week M started asking me about my mom. It was an emotional session and I realized how much I miss having an actual mom. One I can talk to, one who I feel is there for me, one I can confide in. Truth be told, I don't feel like I can talk to my mom. I'm so angry and bitter about the alcoholism and the lies and the past that I can't bring myself to really talk to her. I can't move past all the hurt I felt growing up. Add to that the fact that my mom still drinks and lies about it. I just . . . I can't. But I never acknowledged how much it hurt me until M threw it out on the table. Maybe we can explore that more. Maybe I can move past the pain and learn to forgive. Maybe.
Also, last night was the first meeting of M and Dr. C's bipolar support group. And I loved it. It was wonderful and I think it will continue to be wonderful and helpful and fun. Yes, fun. I had fun in support group (how many people can say that?) and actually felt a little like my old self. The one who jokes, the one who fills awkward silences with equally awkward remarks, the one who smiles and laughs naturally and often. I want to feel that more. I had it last night and now I crave it. That is my goal. To be that person. To stop sabotaging myself so that I can get well, truly well, and be the person I'm meant to be.
Now how the hell do I do it?
