They do. Nobody likes grey pubes. I found one a few weeks ago, which was distressing. So I plucked it and was quite pleased with myself. Well, this morning I found a grey eyebrow hair. AND another grey pube! WTF, body? I don't want this! Why must you torture me so???
Enough of that. I'm feeling better most days, which is fantastic. Not where I want to be, but better. I have days still where I'm flat and withdrawn - these happen most when I'm at work. I think from all of the stimulus and all of the different people - almost like sensory overload. But I'm getting there.
Mucking with my thyroid meds again. I was taking 90mg of armor thyroid and my TSH is critically low and my T4 and T3 are in range of causing thyroid storm. Very scary. So Dr. C dropped me down to 60mg (the last time I was at this dose I was hyPOthyroid - we'll see how this works). I can't see an endocrinologist until May 7th.
I found a horse for sale named "Icky". And he pokes other horses with sticks. He pokes other horses with sticks, people!! This is the PERFECT horse for me!! I need him. If only we could afford boarding fees . . .
That's all for now, I'm lazy and want a nap.
Saturday, March 23, 2013
Saturday, March 16, 2013
Whoooo!
I went almost a week without a post! I've actually been busy and not quite in the mood to write. Mainly because I've been busy. And tired. But lots happened.
Last Sunday, my first day back to work (when I was put on call), I ended up being called in at 1400 for the nursery. I did a whole buncha nothing until 1830 when I was called to a delivery. It went well, I did my thing and was leaving the room around 1850 when the labor and delivery charge came racing towards me yelling "STAT C/S NOW, DR. B's PATIENT! ABRUPTION!" (an abruption is when the placenta detaches before the baby is born - very bad). I ran back to the nursery, literally threw my stuff down, grabbed a new tackle box and ran to the OR. Got in there at 1852, baby was born at 1855 essentially dead. Resuscitated and baby did great. An interesting first day back (I should also mention that I LOVE doing resuscitations - I think I'm the only one there that does).
I worked Wednesday and Thursday, both days in the nursery, and both days went well (and were very busy). So far no issues with going back to work and everyone is respecting my privacy and not asking questions.
I had therapy with M on Tuesday which went very well (as always - love that man). Towards the end of my session I mentioned how with everything that had been going on, I felt like I needed a parent. A parent to hug and cry to. I don't have that with my mom and wouldn't be comfortable with it. At all. And my dad . . .well my dad died in 2000 of lung cancer (he was 43). Now, I'm not going into any detail right now. My dad was my confidant, my hero. I only really opened up to him. I was a daddy's girl 100%. I love him and I miss him. And that grief and sense of loss was raw and overwhelming on Tuesday. I spent the afternoon and evening crying. I cried the big ugly cry every time - you know, the one where you sob uncontrollably and snot is flying everywhere . . .THAT cry. And I needed to. And it was good to let it out. And it was actually refreshing to be crying for something OTHER than depression/hopelessness/emptiness/etc.
Therapy with Chance again yesterday (Friday). He was helpful as always, knew what I needed and responded quickly and comfortably with me. I drew on him with chalk. And he rather enjoyed it. :) The next 2 weeks are the weeks off for the horses so I won't see him until April 5th. Makes me sad, but I'll live :P
One last thing - I'm trying something risky. I'm stopping my thyroid medication. Why is this risky? Because my catastrophic depressive downswing could have been triggered by hypothyroidism. So I'm stopping my thyroid meds. To purposefully induce hypothyroidism. To see if the same thing happens again. I have an appointment with an endocrinologist, but the earliest I can be seen is June 10th. Yeah. JUNE 10TH. The fuck. So, trying this. If I go hypothyroid, and the depression doesn't come, well, then it's probably not the trigger. However, if depression DOES come, then I'll be having my primary doc give me a referral to Denver or ANYWHERE I can get in to see an endo doc WAY sooner than June 10th. And with the current dose of thyroid meds I'm on, I'm HYPERthyroid (if I drop the dose slightly I swing the other way). And let's be honest - the hyperthyroid symptoms are becoming quite bothersome (constipation, hot flashes,increased appetite, brittle nails that split and crack, insanely dry, itchy skin, and my hair is starting to thin and break). So we'll see. This should be interesting.
Last Sunday, my first day back to work (when I was put on call), I ended up being called in at 1400 for the nursery. I did a whole buncha nothing until 1830 when I was called to a delivery. It went well, I did my thing and was leaving the room around 1850 when the labor and delivery charge came racing towards me yelling "STAT C/S NOW, DR. B's PATIENT! ABRUPTION!" (an abruption is when the placenta detaches before the baby is born - very bad). I ran back to the nursery, literally threw my stuff down, grabbed a new tackle box and ran to the OR. Got in there at 1852, baby was born at 1855 essentially dead. Resuscitated and baby did great. An interesting first day back (I should also mention that I LOVE doing resuscitations - I think I'm the only one there that does).
I worked Wednesday and Thursday, both days in the nursery, and both days went well (and were very busy). So far no issues with going back to work and everyone is respecting my privacy and not asking questions.
I had therapy with M on Tuesday which went very well (as always - love that man). Towards the end of my session I mentioned how with everything that had been going on, I felt like I needed a parent. A parent to hug and cry to. I don't have that with my mom and wouldn't be comfortable with it. At all. And my dad . . .well my dad died in 2000 of lung cancer (he was 43). Now, I'm not going into any detail right now. My dad was my confidant, my hero. I only really opened up to him. I was a daddy's girl 100%. I love him and I miss him. And that grief and sense of loss was raw and overwhelming on Tuesday. I spent the afternoon and evening crying. I cried the big ugly cry every time - you know, the one where you sob uncontrollably and snot is flying everywhere . . .THAT cry. And I needed to. And it was good to let it out. And it was actually refreshing to be crying for something OTHER than depression/hopelessness/emptiness/etc.
Therapy with Chance again yesterday (Friday). He was helpful as always, knew what I needed and responded quickly and comfortably with me. I drew on him with chalk. And he rather enjoyed it. :) The next 2 weeks are the weeks off for the horses so I won't see him until April 5th. Makes me sad, but I'll live :P
One last thing - I'm trying something risky. I'm stopping my thyroid medication. Why is this risky? Because my catastrophic depressive downswing could have been triggered by hypothyroidism. So I'm stopping my thyroid meds. To purposefully induce hypothyroidism. To see if the same thing happens again. I have an appointment with an endocrinologist, but the earliest I can be seen is June 10th. Yeah. JUNE 10TH. The fuck. So, trying this. If I go hypothyroid, and the depression doesn't come, well, then it's probably not the trigger. However, if depression DOES come, then I'll be having my primary doc give me a referral to Denver or ANYWHERE I can get in to see an endo doc WAY sooner than June 10th. And with the current dose of thyroid meds I'm on, I'm HYPERthyroid (if I drop the dose slightly I swing the other way). And let's be honest - the hyperthyroid symptoms are becoming quite bothersome (constipation, hot flashes,increased appetite, brittle nails that split and crack, insanely dry, itchy skin, and my hair is starting to thin and break). So we'll see. This should be interesting.
Sunday, March 10, 2013
Well now . . .
I was actually going to write last night. I put it off because I was tired and brain dead and with the stupid "spring forward" time change . . . well, I wanted to get some sleep. Because I'm supposed to be working today (my first day back). But I'll have you notice that I'm writing (and I can't access blogger at work anymore). Meaning I'm home. I was put on call. Sadly, I didn't get the call until I was out of the shower and I wasn't able to fall back to sleep. Boo to that. Now I need coffee.
I cried Friday during my horse therapy. I worked with Chance again - he's a great teacher. Justin, the therapist working with me there, is very perceptive. He pointed something out about me that I've buried and hid and try to ignore. He did this by watching me with Chance. I was trying to get Chance to follow me/listen to me off lead. At first he wouldn't. I picked up his lead again but kept hesitating to let go and try again. Justin called me over and asked me why I wasn't letting go. I wasn't really sure, said I thought that maybe Chance wasn't going to follow. Here's the gist of what he said: "It seems that you don't want to let go because you're afraid to trust that he'll follow you. Is that maybe what you're doing with your negative thoughts? You're holding on to them so tightly because you're scared to let go and trust you'll get better?" That's when I started crying. He asked what was going on right then. And I told him yes, I thought he was right. It's scary to let go. I've been so depressed for so long (15 months) that depression is familiar. We tend to stay with what we're familiar with. I know this. I've KNOWN this. And still I'm stuck there. So I cried. And I took Chance off lead and he followed me and did everything that I asked. And he nuzzled me and leaned on me.
And I think that I really AM stuck there. It's what I'm working so bloody hard on correcting. It's why I'm in therapy, equine therapy, doing positive readings, mood tracking, trying to block negative thoughts and purposefully look for anything and everything positive. It's why I've been changing my diet, getting to the gym and trying to stay consistent with my sleep schedule. I'm trying to stay calm and relaxed and stay present in the moment. And keeping up with all of these things, all the time, is taxing and exhausting. Especially when I'm not seeing the results I want.
I think I'm going to bring this up with M this week. Because it's true - I can't let go. I can't just let go and trust and be. And if I could, I think I would be much better off.
I cried Friday during my horse therapy. I worked with Chance again - he's a great teacher. Justin, the therapist working with me there, is very perceptive. He pointed something out about me that I've buried and hid and try to ignore. He did this by watching me with Chance. I was trying to get Chance to follow me/listen to me off lead. At first he wouldn't. I picked up his lead again but kept hesitating to let go and try again. Justin called me over and asked me why I wasn't letting go. I wasn't really sure, said I thought that maybe Chance wasn't going to follow. Here's the gist of what he said: "It seems that you don't want to let go because you're afraid to trust that he'll follow you. Is that maybe what you're doing with your negative thoughts? You're holding on to them so tightly because you're scared to let go and trust you'll get better?" That's when I started crying. He asked what was going on right then. And I told him yes, I thought he was right. It's scary to let go. I've been so depressed for so long (15 months) that depression is familiar. We tend to stay with what we're familiar with. I know this. I've KNOWN this. And still I'm stuck there. So I cried. And I took Chance off lead and he followed me and did everything that I asked. And he nuzzled me and leaned on me.
And I think that I really AM stuck there. It's what I'm working so bloody hard on correcting. It's why I'm in therapy, equine therapy, doing positive readings, mood tracking, trying to block negative thoughts and purposefully look for anything and everything positive. It's why I've been changing my diet, getting to the gym and trying to stay consistent with my sleep schedule. I'm trying to stay calm and relaxed and stay present in the moment. And keeping up with all of these things, all the time, is taxing and exhausting. Especially when I'm not seeing the results I want.
I think I'm going to bring this up with M this week. Because it's true - I can't let go. I can't just let go and trust and be. And if I could, I think I would be much better off.
Thursday, March 7, 2013
Today was sunny
Awesome title, yeah? Not really. Today was sunny though. I sat outside for awhile and tried to meditate and I learned something - I suck at meditating. My mind likes to wander. But it was nice to have the sun on my face and to relax and hear nothing but the birds.
I'm feeling a little better today than I have the past several, which have been pretty rough. It's been hard though. The depression is right there - right under the surface, waiting for any opportunity to take control. It took all of my concentration to keep it at bay. I stayed busy - went to the gym, went on a drive, sewed - and I did everything I could to block negative thoughts and feelings and focus on the good. And that's a hell of a lot harder than it sounds and takes quite a bit of energy. It leaves me feeling drained.
I start back to work on Sunday and I have mixed feelings about it. I want to go back - I miss my job and coworkers and patients. But at the same time I'm apprehensive about it. I'm not sure how I'll handle the added stress. Especially with how I've felt since this past Sunday. I guess I'll find out.
I don't know what else to write right now. My brain is mush. I'd like to go to sleep until tomorrow morning (it's 5pm as I write this). Boo.
I'm feeling a little better today than I have the past several, which have been pretty rough. It's been hard though. The depression is right there - right under the surface, waiting for any opportunity to take control. It took all of my concentration to keep it at bay. I stayed busy - went to the gym, went on a drive, sewed - and I did everything I could to block negative thoughts and feelings and focus on the good. And that's a hell of a lot harder than it sounds and takes quite a bit of energy. It leaves me feeling drained.
I start back to work on Sunday and I have mixed feelings about it. I want to go back - I miss my job and coworkers and patients. But at the same time I'm apprehensive about it. I'm not sure how I'll handle the added stress. Especially with how I've felt since this past Sunday. I guess I'll find out.
I don't know what else to write right now. My brain is mush. I'd like to go to sleep until tomorrow morning (it's 5pm as I write this). Boo.
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
Frustrated
My mood is down in the dumps again. And not just low - curl up in a ball and not exist low. The last several days have been difficult. And it's frustrating because I thought I was starting to feel better. I was starting to feel a little emotion, come out of my shell a little, interact more, smile a little more, and even feel a little happy, a little "normal".
And then WHAM! Clancy (my brain) decided fuck you, we're gonna feel like shit again for no reason. Just because we can. And that's how I feel. I cried today. Quite a bit. And I felt lost and hopeless and angry that I felt lost and hopeless.
Nothing I do seems to work. Or it only works for a short time. My equine therapy, for example, makes me feel wonderful and content. That feeling lasts a couple of days and the flatness or now, depression, sinks in again.
I just don't know what to do anymore. A friend suggested I try acupuncture. So I will. I'm going to call tomorrow. Insurance will cover 24 appointments. Maybe I should try a juice fast and a colonic. Or some peyote. Or leeches.
One day at a time. One day at a time . . .
And then WHAM! Clancy (my brain) decided fuck you, we're gonna feel like shit again for no reason. Just because we can. And that's how I feel. I cried today. Quite a bit. And I felt lost and hopeless and angry that I felt lost and hopeless.
Nothing I do seems to work. Or it only works for a short time. My equine therapy, for example, makes me feel wonderful and content. That feeling lasts a couple of days and the flatness or now, depression, sinks in again.
I just don't know what to do anymore. A friend suggested I try acupuncture. So I will. I'm going to call tomorrow. Insurance will cover 24 appointments. Maybe I should try a juice fast and a colonic. Or some peyote. Or leeches.
One day at a time. One day at a time . . .
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