Fucking Clancy . . .

My depression, truly, is back full force. It's exceedingly frustrating. I've been crying so much again lately. I don't want to exist, and yesterday I didn't want to live. I've considered myself doing a little better than in the past in that I'm not having suicidal ideation.

Except yesterday I did.

It wasn't a planning-it-out kind of ideation. More the recurring thought about how I don't want to live. About  how I can't continue to live if I keep feeling like this. How is anyone supposed to?

So I do all my CBT and DBT tricks to counter these thoughts, try to counter my emotions/feelings, and stay positive/interact/etc. And these things help, they do. I'm certain that they're what's keeping me from being actively suicidal.

I'm just so tired of all of this. And it appears I'm on the fast track now for ECT. I know I'll be having that talk next week . . .

Ugh.

Been awhile since I last wrote. I don't know how long. I don't really care, either. I really don't fucking care about much right now.

Why?

Fucking depression. It won't. Fucking. Leave.

I was started on Lexapro, 10mg. Then we increased it 20mg. Then we increased my Lamictal from 200mg to 400mg. And you know what? Fucking nothing.

Nope. Depression is hanging on, gaining strength, trying to overtake me completely. I've cried so much today it's stupid. It's pathetic. It's tiring and I'm so fucking done with this.

Hubby tells me to hang in there. This will get better. We'll get you better.

Really? Because the depression is fucking here. It doesn't go away. From where I stand, it's not getting better.

Everything is overwhelming. Interacting with people is overwhelming. Going to the store is overwhelming. Packing is overwhelming. Everything is fucking overwhelming.

I put on my happy face. I try to "fake it till I make it". I do all of my positive CBT stuff I've learned. But I'm dying on the inside. I'm shattered and broken and I'm trying so hard to hide it.

I'm fucking tired and I'm sick of it.