I'm having a particularly difficult time this evening. Funny, because I had a pretty good day. Today was my first day alone since Thursday and I thought I would have a hard time. I did have a small panic attack, but I got over it quickly. But as I type this, I can feel both depression and anxiety trying to overcome me.
Again I feel like crying for no reason, or just sleeping and sleeping and sleeping. Again I feel my heart racing, the shortness of breath and shaky all over feeling. And again I am reminded that I am a work in progress, not whole or finished yet. This has, by far, been the most difficult thing I've gone through. More so than cervical cancer, my hysterectomy, my breast cancer scare. More than ever I feel powerless and out of control.
I've dealt with depression before - numerous times. Why is this time so different? Why is this time so much worse? This is horrible and stupid and I want to be done with it. I want to be better. I want to be me.
Saturday and Sunday went so well. Today went so well. And now I'm crashing again. I'm trying not to - believe me, I am. Which is why I'm writing this right now. I'm hoping to gain some insight to what I'm feeling.
What I think triggered it was grocery shopping. Buying things for lunches and remembering that I go back to work on Wednesday. It filled me with dread and anxiety. I don't want to face people. I don't want to explain myself. I don't want to answer questions. Not yet. I'm too fragile. I wish I was stronger.
Fuck.

Today was a much better day. A stark contrast from Thursday, and better than yesterday. One thing I discovered though, is one of the triggers for my anxiety. When I start having depressive thoughts, I now try to stop them cold. This produces anxiety. Heart races, I feel like I'm not getting enough air . . .ugh.
Also, I'm so tired. So very tired. Probably because I haven't been sleeping well, but also, the anxiety, and the stopping of my current thinking processes, is tiring. I want a solid night of sleep. No tossing and turning, no dreams (they're not the best right now), no random waking up.
There's more I want to write. Lots more. I just don't have the concentration to do so. Though I will say this: a special THANK YOU to my good friends - Lesley, Beth, Tracy, Christine, and of course Jeremy. Thank you for checking in on me, talking to me, acknowledging what's going on and not letting it scare you off. I appreciate you more than you'll ever know. You give me strength and courage and the will to try and get better when it seems things are falling apart. Thank you.

Well, hello there Friday. Yesterday I wasn't sure if I'd be around to see you. I'm glad I am.


Not going into details, but yesterday, Thursday, was a very bad day. Very bad indeed. It didn't start that way, no. But around 11 . . . I kinda sank, drowning in sorrow and the strong desire to do something to take the pain away. Again, no details, I think that would be a trigger for me, but lets just say that I thank God for my husband, my psychiatrist, my therapist and my close friends. If not for you all, I fear I wouldn't be seeing this blustery cold Friday.

So thank you. Today, hopefully, will be a better day. And tomorrow, better still. There will always be setbacks, but I will take them as they come, moment by moment. And always, I will update.

If you've been reading, then you know I had my first appointment today with a psychiatrist. It's been a long time coming and thank God I finally got to see one. He's a dapper old fellow who's been in practice for 30 years and he knows his stuff. Very personable, straight and to the point - he's not gonna bullshit ya. Also genuinely caring. I liked him immediately. He liked my obnoxiously green shoes.
Let's talk about said appointment now. It went . . . rather well. We talked a lot about this depressive episode, past depressive episodes and my mood overall. My diagnosis was confirmed - I am bipolar type 2. Though he doesn't necessarily like to use that term, "bipolar". Lots of negative connotations with it. He prefers I say I cycle my moods. Which, truthfully, is what happens when you're bipolar. The interesting thing is that how I've been treated all these years, with antidepressants, doesn't work for someone who "cycles their moods". It may work for a few months, but, inevitably, the meds stop working. Why? Because they only treat the depression - not the mood disorder.
Well then, what works? A mood stabilizer. Typically used without an antidepressant. Which means we have a plan. I'm starting on Lithium - the tried and true mood stabilizer for bipolar disorder. We'll be weaning me off of the Lexapro as I shouldn't need it once the Lithium starts working. I'll be working closely with my psychiatrist over the coming months to find a balance. I now have a therapist who I'll be working closely with also.
In a word, I have hope. Finally . . . hope.
Some of you may want to know how to help. Maybe help me (if you're one of my friends or family), or maybe you know someone else in your life with bipolar disorder. My words of advice - read up on the condition. Know that this is a chemical imbalance of the brain and is no one's fault. You can't "get over" bipolar disorder or depression - just like you can't "get over" cancer. Be patient, be understanding and listen. Offer support, a hug, a shoulder to cry on. If you notice the person (including me) not quite acting like themselves - unusually happy, giddy, agitated, angry - point it out. It could be the start of a mood cycle and the person is often unaware of the subtle changes. But, more than anything, just be there for them. Being a friend or family member of someone dealing with bipolar disorder or depression can be very stressful and, at times, frustrating. Trust me when I say that I appreciate your concern, your presence, your patience, your support.
If you have questions about what I'm going through or feeling or about bipolar disorder in general, please ask. I'm more than happy to answer questions. And I would love to educate people more on this condition as it is chronic and lifelong. Those of you who know me know that I'm open, so approach me. If you're suffering from bipolar disorder or depression and need someone to talk to, drop me a line. I'll do what I can to help.
Know that I have hope. There is a light at the end of the tunnel and it's growing brighter every day. I'm moving forward, I'm getting better, and I'm here to help.

It's late and I'm up typing. I had a rough weekend. Well, starting on Thursday, really. Not a great day. Friday was worse. A friend had to talk me out of taking sleeping pills. I wouldn't have done it. But the desire was so strong it scared me. Saturday was a baby shower that I co-hosted. I felt bad - I was a little anti social. But it went well. Work on Sunday was difficult. Got better that afternoon. Printed out a list of psychiatrists covered by my insurance. Then Monday. Monday was good.
The first office I called, the doctor answered the phone. The doctor himself. Which surprised me. What surprised me even more was that he's taking new patients and I have an appointment tomorrow. After all this time, I finally have an appointment with a psychiatrist. Maybe I can start to feel better. Maybe I can start to be me.
I'm scared though. Scared to go. What if he wants to hospitalize me? I have strong suicidal ideation. What if I don't get better? What if the depression comes back again quickly? Oh the delightful inner workings of my mind. Giving me anxiety and mini panic attacks. I'm sure he can help. I'm sure I'll feel better. But truly, for how long? The depression always comes back. Always. It is and has always been my constant companion.
When it does come back, I'm usually depressed for a few weeks before my new/increased meds start to work and I have a "fuck you depression" moment and move on. This time . . . not so much. No "fuck you moment". I've been on my increased dose of Lexapro for 2 weeks, dealing with the depression for 2 months, and . . . nothing. Not feeling better. Not coping. No motivation. Dark thoughts. And sadly, no desire to hide it. I don't feel like putting on my mask. It's too much work. It's too tiring. I want to curl up in a ball and sleep. Just sleep. It's easier to sleep. No thoughts or feelings to contend with.

I'll update after my appointment tomorrow. We'll see how it goes.
And if you read this, comment please. Comments help keep me going. They really do. And now, off to sleep.

So this is annoying. Yesterday I felt pretty damn good. I was productive, relatively happy, I sewed, ran errands, did the dishes . . .
Today . . . not so much. Today I feel like crying. Again, for no reason. I found out yesterday that my thyroid levels are too high now, so my thyroid medication has been reduced and I'll have blood work checked again in 6 weeks. What are symptoms of HYPERthyroidism? Fatigue, agitation, irritability, depression, mood swings, hair loss, insomnia. Many of the things I've been experiencing. Yay.
I can officially say that I hate my thyroid. And I'm tired of having to muck around to get the dosages correct. It's terribly annoying.
But that's not what's bothering me today. I don't think so anyway. I was put on call this morning, which is fine, but I think my mood would have been better at work. At least I would have been busy. I've spent the morning playing with Ayden. We played "army", we painted, we watched Max and Ruby. He's in the bath as I write this and I'm alone with my thoughts.
Do you know how horrible it feels to wish you had something bad happen to you, just so you'd have a reason to be depressed? If I was fighting cancer, I'd have a reason. Friends and family and coworkers would gather round me and support me and give me strength. Each triumph would be celebrated, my bad days would be understood.
It feels horrible to think that. Makes me feel guilty. But I also feel guilty because I have no reason for the way I feel. Maybe if I did, the depression wouldn't be so unbearable.

Yesterday was awful. I worked yesterday and it was a very hard day. I felt . . .empty. A complete empty husk. Barely any feeling at all. Distant and distracted, lost, sad, flat, withdrawn. Horrible. It was a long day. A difficult day.
But today was better. I felt more like myself, which was a relief. I worked, and it was busy, and I think that helped. I also talked with my Grandma last night about my Uncle. Wait - I just realized I didn't share something. I found out on Friday that my Uncle has an aggressive form of lymphoma, had emergency surgery and was on chemo. It hit me hard. My uncle was pretty much my surrogate father after my dad died. So anyway, long story short, my gram gram told me that the oncologist is very optimistic and that my uncle is doing very well. I certainly think the news helped my mood.
Yes. So. We'll see how this goes.