How strange is it for me to be writing a post when I actually feel good? Well, very strange. I don't know why I even have to explain this.
Anyway. I actually had a good day yesterday. felt good, felt normal, felt more like me. I was at work and working with a student nurse who was quite fun. And who also has an alcoholic mother. We had fun swapping stories of our childhoods and I was surprised of the similarities. Topped off my day by going to my first support group (which was a bit terrifying). It was, I guess, your steretypical support group, or what I would imagine one to be. Everyone introduced themselves and what their mental illnes was (moste were depression and anxiety - only 2 others were bipolar). But it was interesting. I'll go at least a couple more times to see if it's a fit. Dr. C and M are supposed to be organizing a bipolar support group which I think I'll like a little more (since everyone there will be diagosed as bipolar). But we'll see.
And I'm doing alright today. No depressive thoughts or feelings, which is good. I'm a little flat, I guess, but I'm able to smile and genuinely laugh. And I'm not super irritable! That's a huge bonus for me because I've been so cranky and down lately.
So yeah. Feeling better. We'll see how long it lasts.
Thursday, May 10, 2012
Saturday, May 5, 2012
Annoying
Another one of those "down" writings I guess. I'm frustrated and depressed today. And I came to realize something: I don't even know how I'm suppossed to feel. I don't know what my baseline is. Maybe being down and meloncholy IS my new baseline. Who knows. What I DO know is that this is getting old.
Yesterday was actually an alright day. I went to the gym in the morning, watered all the plants in the yard, cleaned the bathrooms, did the dishes, did laundry, painted, and talking with my grandparents and step mom on the phone. I was contantly busy and I was okay. I was busy in the evening too with my hubby and son and then went to bed only slightly early. A pretty good day.
Today . . .well, today is a different story. I'm at work and I have down time. I've found that if I'm not constantly busy, the thoughts and feelings take over. The feeling of drowning in my own emptiness, becoming lost in the abyss. My mind ruminates over the feelings over and over again and doesn't drop it no matter what I do. My only saving grace is staying constantly busy. But sometimes, there's nothing to do. Both at work and at home. And then my saving grace becomes sleep. Becase at least with sleep, I don't feel or think.
I feel like I'm writing the same thing day in and day out. Nothing changes. Nothing gets better. I'm tempted to stop all my meds just to see what would happen but that's unsafe. And stupid. Instead I write and try to busy myself with whatever I can and hope I can make it until bedtime.
I feel like crying right now. Thought I'd throw that out there. Sitting here at work, in the cubby away from everyone, typing and holding back the tears. What a way to live. Feeling like crap FOR NO REASON. Except for my fucked up brain chemistry that I can't get control of. I can't manage it. I'm tired of the mood swings. I'm tired of feeling like this. I'm tired of drowning.
By the way, no, I'm not suicidal.
Yesterday was actually an alright day. I went to the gym in the morning, watered all the plants in the yard, cleaned the bathrooms, did the dishes, did laundry, painted, and talking with my grandparents and step mom on the phone. I was contantly busy and I was okay. I was busy in the evening too with my hubby and son and then went to bed only slightly early. A pretty good day.
Today . . .well, today is a different story. I'm at work and I have down time. I've found that if I'm not constantly busy, the thoughts and feelings take over. The feeling of drowning in my own emptiness, becoming lost in the abyss. My mind ruminates over the feelings over and over again and doesn't drop it no matter what I do. My only saving grace is staying constantly busy. But sometimes, there's nothing to do. Both at work and at home. And then my saving grace becomes sleep. Becase at least with sleep, I don't feel or think.
I feel like I'm writing the same thing day in and day out. Nothing changes. Nothing gets better. I'm tempted to stop all my meds just to see what would happen but that's unsafe. And stupid. Instead I write and try to busy myself with whatever I can and hope I can make it until bedtime.
I feel like crying right now. Thought I'd throw that out there. Sitting here at work, in the cubby away from everyone, typing and holding back the tears. What a way to live. Feeling like crap FOR NO REASON. Except for my fucked up brain chemistry that I can't get control of. I can't manage it. I'm tired of the mood swings. I'm tired of feeling like this. I'm tired of drowning.
By the way, no, I'm not suicidal.
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
Empty
I hate that all my posts are when I'm down. I guess that's just when I feel like writing. Anyway, I've had some good days. Days where I feel like myself. Where I'm happy and open and I talk and joke and laugh. and sadly, those days are few and far between.
Most days I'm empty. Just . . .empty. I want to hide from the world. I'm withdrawn and quiet. My smiles are forced. I feel like everything is pointless. Melancholy and darkness rule. I feel so bad and it's useless.
This is most days. MOST days. I should be feeling better. But I'm not. I force myself to do things on those days - I've sewn a lot lately, drafted new patterns. Kept busy. That's more productive than hiding in bed, which is what I want to do. I make believe that I'm alright because I don't know what else to do. I don't know why I feel this way and I can't control it.
I don't say much when I'm with people because I'm worried about what might come out of my mouth. Something inappropriate? Something about bipolar? A scream? People generally don't want to be burdened with someone's mental illness. It's not a convenient or nice subject to talk about. It makes people feel uneasy. So I keep my mouth shut and I nod and smile and act like I'm interested while on the inside I'm dead and screaming, waiting for someone to notice.
No one does though. No one comes to the rescue. I can't be saved from myself, from my mental illness. It's with me always, looming, smothering, a stranglehold on my life.
I know things will get better, eventually. My psychiatrist and therapist tell me this. Everyone tells me this. Try living it, and then telling me that. When you wake up and know that you have to struggle to get through the day, just to make it to bedtime because at bedtime you get to sleep and forget, but then you wake up to do it again . . .then tell me it will get better. I hear those words but they're empty.
Like me.
Most days I'm empty. Just . . .empty. I want to hide from the world. I'm withdrawn and quiet. My smiles are forced. I feel like everything is pointless. Melancholy and darkness rule. I feel so bad and it's useless.
This is most days. MOST days. I should be feeling better. But I'm not. I force myself to do things on those days - I've sewn a lot lately, drafted new patterns. Kept busy. That's more productive than hiding in bed, which is what I want to do. I make believe that I'm alright because I don't know what else to do. I don't know why I feel this way and I can't control it.
I don't say much when I'm with people because I'm worried about what might come out of my mouth. Something inappropriate? Something about bipolar? A scream? People generally don't want to be burdened with someone's mental illness. It's not a convenient or nice subject to talk about. It makes people feel uneasy. So I keep my mouth shut and I nod and smile and act like I'm interested while on the inside I'm dead and screaming, waiting for someone to notice.
No one does though. No one comes to the rescue. I can't be saved from myself, from my mental illness. It's with me always, looming, smothering, a stranglehold on my life.
I know things will get better, eventually. My psychiatrist and therapist tell me this. Everyone tells me this. Try living it, and then telling me that. When you wake up and know that you have to struggle to get through the day, just to make it to bedtime because at bedtime you get to sleep and forget, but then you wake up to do it again . . .then tell me it will get better. I hear those words but they're empty.
Like me.
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Not even sure what to write. Since I stopped the Abilify, I've been sleeping better and the fog is slowly clearing. However, the one thing that I still have is this feeling of emptiness. I still feel like an empty shell of who I really am. Flat and withdrawn. My smiles feel forced and fake. It's especially difficult at work because there's so many people I have to interact with. I don't want people to know anythings wrong.
On another note, I've now gained 10 pounds thanks to the lithium. Which is fucking annoying. Now I have 20 pounds to lose, rather than the 10 I originally was trying to lose. I'm on a 1700 calorie diet and I'm hitting the gym 3-4 days a week and still gaining quickly. A friend of mine is sending me the Insanity Workout DVDs to try. Hopefully those, coupled with the gym, reduced calorie diet, and eventually going off my Lithium, will help and I can lose the weight. Because right now I'm pissed and depressed about it.
On another note, I've now gained 10 pounds thanks to the lithium. Which is fucking annoying. Now I have 20 pounds to lose, rather than the 10 I originally was trying to lose. I'm on a 1700 calorie diet and I'm hitting the gym 3-4 days a week and still gaining quickly. A friend of mine is sending me the Insanity Workout DVDs to try. Hopefully those, coupled with the gym, reduced calorie diet, and eventually going off my Lithium, will help and I can lose the weight. Because right now I'm pissed and depressed about it.
Friday, April 20, 2012
Friday
Writing this is actually difficult right now. The fog is so bad I have trouble focusing and forming coherent thoughts. But I wanted to get out how I feel right now. Which is numb. I don't really feely anything. Not happy, not sad, not depressed, not even mediocre. I feel nothing. Empty. Like a husk or a shadow, going through the motions with no real emotion to anything. I may laugh, but I don't feel it. I may get irritable, but even that is deadened and short lived. I feel no sorrow or pain. I punched the elevater wall today at work and even that brief shot of pain brought no feeling with it.
Empty.
I had my hubby pick up some alcoholic beverages tonight, hoping to get a buzz and at least feel that. I can't keep going on like this. I'm stopping the Abilify. Now. No more. I can't be this shell of a person. I can't do it any more. People at work are starting to notice and to ask questions and I can't keep coming up with excuses.
I'd rather deal with a mixed episode right now than this (though I may regret it later - who knows?). I don't really know which is better. All I know is that I'm sick of this and I wish I was better. I can't really put it more elloquently at the moment, sorry for that. I blame this miserable fog.
Empty.
I had my hubby pick up some alcoholic beverages tonight, hoping to get a buzz and at least feel that. I can't keep going on like this. I'm stopping the Abilify. Now. No more. I can't be this shell of a person. I can't do it any more. People at work are starting to notice and to ask questions and I can't keep coming up with excuses.
I'd rather deal with a mixed episode right now than this (though I may regret it later - who knows?). I don't really know which is better. All I know is that I'm sick of this and I wish I was better. I can't really put it more elloquently at the moment, sorry for that. I blame this miserable fog.
Thursday, April 19, 2012
Thursday
I got up way too early this morning. 4am, to be exact. I've read, I've farted around on the internet, and now I'm writing. I had my appointments with M and Dr. C yesterday and both went well. I always look forward to therapy - it's such a release for me and I leave feeling better than when I arrived.
One thing that's disconcerting is the number of meds I'm on. In my last post, I brought up the weight gain. Thank you Lithium. To counteract that, we're starting me on Lamictal, and will be lowering the dose of Lithium I'm on to lessen the weight gain effects. Also, I'm still on the Abilify and Lexapro. FOUR meds for my stupid bipolar. Thankfully, I should be off of the Lexapro in 1-2 months and I may be off the Abilify in 1-2 weeks. We'll see. But probably still on both the Lamictal and Lithium. How annoying. Well, what can you do?
A coworker gave me something interesting the other day. A study on macronutrients. Basically taking high doses of vitamins and minerals to get off medications. She has depression and was on Zoloft and started this regime of supplements and powders and was able to stop her zoloft. Now, I'm all for natural stuff, but at $90 a month and around 32 capsules a day . . .how is that any different? Plus, I don't think mega vitamins will help someone with bipolar. I want studies, not testimony. People will give you whatever testimony you want if you pay them. I think it's a bunch a bunk.
Anyway. I'm rambling. This post is just scattered ramblings of someone who's been up for an hour and a half and who now needs to get ready for work. And make a nice pot of decaff coffee.
Over the next week or two I'll be chronicling my mental fog to see if the lowered dose of Abilify is working or I need to stop it. I'll try and write more often so I can hopefully see if there is a difference in how I'm feeling. I'm actually hoping to get off of it. we'll see. If the fog clears, I guess I'll stay on it.
One thing that's disconcerting is the number of meds I'm on. In my last post, I brought up the weight gain. Thank you Lithium. To counteract that, we're starting me on Lamictal, and will be lowering the dose of Lithium I'm on to lessen the weight gain effects. Also, I'm still on the Abilify and Lexapro. FOUR meds for my stupid bipolar. Thankfully, I should be off of the Lexapro in 1-2 months and I may be off the Abilify in 1-2 weeks. We'll see. But probably still on both the Lamictal and Lithium. How annoying. Well, what can you do?
A coworker gave me something interesting the other day. A study on macronutrients. Basically taking high doses of vitamins and minerals to get off medications. She has depression and was on Zoloft and started this regime of supplements and powders and was able to stop her zoloft. Now, I'm all for natural stuff, but at $90 a month and around 32 capsules a day . . .how is that any different? Plus, I don't think mega vitamins will help someone with bipolar. I want studies, not testimony. People will give you whatever testimony you want if you pay them. I think it's a bunch a bunk.
Anyway. I'm rambling. This post is just scattered ramblings of someone who's been up for an hour and a half and who now needs to get ready for work. And make a nice pot of decaff coffee.
Over the next week or two I'll be chronicling my mental fog to see if the lowered dose of Abilify is working or I need to stop it. I'll try and write more often so I can hopefully see if there is a difference in how I'm feeling. I'm actually hoping to get off of it. we'll see. If the fog clears, I guess I'll stay on it.
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Tuesday
So remember that brain fog? Yeah, still here. I don't think it's as bad since I lowered my Lithium dose, but it's still there. I feel lost in it. And frustrated.
Today the depression is back. I feel withdrawn, cranky. I want to stare at the wall and do nothing. But the fog makes that difficult because I can't focus and it makes me feel like I need to sleep. But I can't nap very well any more. I tried yesterday and failed. My brain still won't turn off. I feel like crying. The tears are welling up but I can't let them fall. Not now. My son is here. I don't want him to see me like that. This is all so very tiring and fucking stupid and I'm sick of it. I was feeling better, like myself, and then everything has to go to shit again. I can be analytical and point out that this is all the bipolar talking - the illness. But it's hard to be analytical when you feel this way.
And to add insult to injury, I've gained 6 pounds thanks to my medications. And I can tell. The mood swings and fog and recurring depression aren't enough. The instability and irritability isn't enough. The cost isn't enough. No, lets add weight gain in there as well. And I've been going to the gym. I'm trying to eat better. And still I gain 6 fucking pounds. I weigh almost as much as I did when I was fucking pregnant. 5 more pounds and I'm at my final pregnancy weight. 25 to lose to be pre-pregnancy. The task is daunting.
I had signed my hubby and I up for a mud race in August and I need to be in shape for that. Even losing 10 pounds seems insurmountable by then. Especially since the depression zaps my energy and will to do anything.
I hate this. So bad. Fuck bipolar disorder.
Today the depression is back. I feel withdrawn, cranky. I want to stare at the wall and do nothing. But the fog makes that difficult because I can't focus and it makes me feel like I need to sleep. But I can't nap very well any more. I tried yesterday and failed. My brain still won't turn off. I feel like crying. The tears are welling up but I can't let them fall. Not now. My son is here. I don't want him to see me like that. This is all so very tiring and fucking stupid and I'm sick of it. I was feeling better, like myself, and then everything has to go to shit again. I can be analytical and point out that this is all the bipolar talking - the illness. But it's hard to be analytical when you feel this way.
And to add insult to injury, I've gained 6 pounds thanks to my medications. And I can tell. The mood swings and fog and recurring depression aren't enough. The instability and irritability isn't enough. The cost isn't enough. No, lets add weight gain in there as well. And I've been going to the gym. I'm trying to eat better. And still I gain 6 fucking pounds. I weigh almost as much as I did when I was fucking pregnant. 5 more pounds and I'm at my final pregnancy weight. 25 to lose to be pre-pregnancy. The task is daunting.
I had signed my hubby and I up for a mud race in August and I need to be in shape for that. Even losing 10 pounds seems insurmountable by then. Especially since the depression zaps my energy and will to do anything.
I hate this. So bad. Fuck bipolar disorder.
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