It's been awhile, yeah?

It's been a month since my last post and I don't know where to start. The past month has been a bit up and down for me. I'm not too pleased with where I am emotionally or mentally. I still feel sub-par. Like I'm floating along just below the surface of the water - I see the light, I see where I want to be, but I can't  quite reach it. Top that off with random bouts of irritability and agitation and you can see where I'm at. I don't feel depressed per se, but not me. I'm not sure how to explain it.
I've been doing a lot of thinking/meditation on all of this lately and I've come to a conclusion - I think I may be sabotaging myself. I think I'm so used to how I've been feeling - this down, irritable, withdrawn version of myself  -  that I don't know how to feel good anymore. I may have 1 or 2 good days, where I actually feel mostly like myself, and then BOOM! It all goes to hell again. But here's the ticker - I think I make it go to hell. I think feeling down has become familiar, comforting almost. And feeling good, well, that adds anxiety into the mix. How long will it last? Do I really feel good? Do I feel good because I'm getting manic? I think I've so conditioned myself to feeling bad  that I switch to it automatically when I start feeling better. I try not to. I do. But I don't know how to make it stop. I do positive, inspiring readings in the morning, I work out, I tell myself that it's going to be a good day, that I'll have fun and be happy and not berate myself. And it works, for a short period of time. And then I start thinking about things. My weight, my eating habits of the day, something at work that upset me, all the meds I'm on, how long it is until my next therapy appointment, the fact that I have no PTO time saved up, the fact that I have laundry or dishes to do, or that I haven't sewn or drawn in awhile. The negative thoughts spiral in until I'm beating myself up over nothing in particular, doing it for the sake of doing it. And I can't snap myself out of it. I try. Believe me, I try. I try deep breathing, meditation, telling myself that the thoughts are wrong and not to believe them. But they persist. Sometimes not even consciously. Sometimes, I think they are buried down so I'm not even aware of what I'm doing. Well, on some level I am, but I feel powerless to stop.
Take today for instance. I should be at work right now, but I was put on call. Now, most people would be happy for an extra day off. But me? No. It starts a spiral of self loathing. First off, I think about how  have no PTO time so I'm not getting paid. Next, I think about how my hubby feels about it. In my mind, he's mad at me and thinks I was called off on purpose and thinks I'm just being lazy. Then, I'll try and push that aside and make a plan for the day. What am I going to do with this time off that I wasn't counting on. and this, this part is the hardest for me. Because I get anxious. Then I procrastinate. Then I spend too much time on the computer procrastinating more. Then, I beat myself up over procrastinating which makes me feel worse and I accomplish even less. Which leads to me feeling worse and lazy and stupid. I should just be able to get off my ass and get stuff done. But I stare off into space. It's exceedingly annoying. And I know this happens. I know this is what I do. And yet, I can't seem to stop it. That's why I think I'm sabotaging myself from feeling good.
On another note, in therapy this week M started asking me about my mom. It was an emotional session and I realized how much I miss having an actual mom. One I can talk to, one who I feel is there for me, one I can confide in. Truth be told, I don't feel like I can talk to my mom. I'm so angry and bitter about the alcoholism and the lies and the past that I can't bring myself to really talk to her. I can't move past all the hurt I felt growing up. Add to that the fact that my mom still drinks and lies about it. I just . . . I can't. But I never acknowledged how much it hurt me until M threw it out on the table. Maybe we can explore that more. Maybe I can move past the pain and learn to forgive. Maybe.
Also, last night was the first meeting of M and Dr. C's bipolar support group. And I loved it. It was wonderful and I think it will continue to be wonderful and helpful and fun. Yes, fun. I had fun in support group (how many people can say that?) and actually felt a little like my old self. The one who jokes, the one who fills awkward silences with equally awkward remarks, the one who smiles and laughs naturally and often. I want to feel that more. I had it last night and now I crave it. That is my goal. To be that person. To stop sabotaging myself so that I can get well, truly well, and be the person I'm meant to be.
Now how the hell do I do it?

I Feel Okay?

How strange is it for me to be writing a post when I actually feel good? Well, very strange. I don't know why I even have to explain this.
Anyway. I actually had a good day yesterday. felt good, felt normal, felt more like me. I was at work and working with a student nurse who was quite fun. And who also has an alcoholic mother. We had fun swapping stories of our childhoods and I was surprised of the similarities. Topped off my day by going to my first support group (which was a bit terrifying). It was, I guess, your steretypical support group, or what I would imagine one to be. Everyone introduced themselves and what their mental illnes was (moste were depression and anxiety - only 2 others were bipolar). But it was interesting. I'll go at least a couple more times to see if it's a fit. Dr. C and M are supposed to be organizing a bipolar support group which I think I'll like a little more (since everyone there will be diagosed as bipolar). But we'll see.
And I'm doing alright today. No depressive thoughts or feelings, which is good. I'm a little flat, I guess, but I'm able to smile and genuinely laugh. And I'm not super irritable! That's a huge bonus for me because I've been so cranky and down lately.
So yeah. Feeling better. We'll see how long it lasts.

Annoying

Another one of those "down" writings I guess. I'm frustrated and depressed today. And I came to realize something: I don't even know how I'm suppossed to feel. I don't know what my baseline is. Maybe being down and meloncholy IS my new baseline. Who knows. What I DO know is that this is getting old.
Yesterday was actually an alright day. I went to the gym in the morning, watered all the plants in the yard, cleaned the bathrooms, did the dishes, did laundry, painted, and talking with my grandparents and step mom on the phone. I was contantly busy and I was okay. I was busy in the evening too with my hubby and son and then went to bed only slightly early. A pretty good day.
Today . . .well, today is a different story. I'm at work and I have down time. I've found that if I'm not constantly busy, the thoughts and feelings take over. The feeling of drowning in my own emptiness, becoming lost in the abyss. My mind ruminates over the feelings over and over again and doesn't drop it no matter what I do. My only saving grace is staying constantly busy. But sometimes, there's nothing to do. Both at work and at home. And then my saving grace becomes sleep. Becase at least with sleep, I don't feel or think.
I feel like I'm writing the same thing day in and day out. Nothing changes. Nothing gets better. I'm tempted to stop all my meds just to see what would happen but that's unsafe. And stupid. Instead I write and try to busy myself with whatever I can and hope I can make it until bedtime.
I feel like crying right now. Thought I'd throw that out there. Sitting here at work, in the cubby away from everyone, typing and holding back the tears. What a way to live. Feeling like crap FOR NO REASON. Except for my fucked up brain chemistry that I can't get control of. I can't manage it. I'm tired of the mood swings. I'm tired of feeling like this. I'm tired of drowning.
By the way, no, I'm not suicidal.

Empty

I hate that all my posts are when I'm down. I guess that's just when I feel like writing. Anyway, I've had some good days. Days where I feel like myself. Where I'm happy and open and I talk and  joke and laugh. and sadly, those days are few and far between.
Most days I'm empty. Just . . .empty. I want to hide from the world. I'm withdrawn and quiet. My smiles are forced. I feel like everything is pointless. Melancholy and darkness rule. I feel so bad and it's useless.
This is most days. MOST days. I should be feeling better. But I'm not. I force myself to do things on those days - I've sewn a lot lately, drafted new patterns. Kept busy. That's more productive than hiding in bed, which is what I want to do. I make believe that I'm alright because I don't know what else to do. I don't know why I feel this way and I can't control it.
I don't say much when I'm with people because I'm worried about what might come out of my mouth. Something inappropriate? Something about bipolar? A scream? People generally don't want to be burdened with someone's mental illness. It's not a convenient or nice subject to talk about. It makes people feel uneasy. So I keep my mouth shut and I nod and smile and act like I'm interested while on the inside I'm dead and screaming, waiting for someone to notice.
No one does though. No one comes to the rescue. I can't be saved from myself, from my mental illness. It's with me always, looming, smothering, a stranglehold on my life.
I know things will get better, eventually. My psychiatrist and therapist tell me this. Everyone tells me this. Try living it, and then telling me that. When you wake up and know that you have to struggle to get through the day, just to make it to bedtime because at bedtime you get to sleep and forget, but then you wake up to do it again . . .then tell me it will get better. I hear those words but they're empty.
Like me.

Not even sure what to write. Since I stopped the Abilify, I've been sleeping better and the fog is slowly clearing. However, the one thing that I still have is this feeling of emptiness. I still feel like an empty shell of who I really am. Flat and withdrawn. My smiles feel forced and fake. It's especially difficult at work because there's so many people I have to interact with. I don't want people to know anythings wrong.
On another note, I've now gained 10 pounds thanks to the lithium. Which is fucking annoying. Now I have 20 pounds to lose, rather than the 10 I originally was trying to lose. I'm on a 1700 calorie diet and I'm hitting the gym 3-4 days a week and still gaining quickly. A friend of mine is sending me the Insanity Workout DVDs to try. Hopefully those, coupled with the gym, reduced calorie diet, and eventually going off my Lithium, will help and I can lose the weight. Because right now I'm pissed and depressed about it.

Friday

Writing this is actually difficult right now. The fog is so bad I have trouble focusing and forming coherent thoughts. But I wanted to get out how I feel right now. Which is numb. I don't really feely anything. Not happy, not sad, not depressed, not even mediocre. I feel nothing. Empty. Like a husk or a shadow, going through the motions with no real emotion to anything. I may laugh, but I don't feel it. I may get irritable, but even that is deadened and short lived. I feel no sorrow or pain. I punched the elevater wall today at work and even that brief shot of pain brought no feeling with it.
Empty.
I had my hubby pick up some alcoholic beverages tonight, hoping to get a buzz and at least feel that. I can't keep going on like this. I'm stopping the Abilify. Now. No more. I can't be this shell of a person. I can't do it any more. People at work are starting to notice and to ask questions and I can't keep coming up with excuses.
I'd rather deal with a mixed episode right now than this (though I may regret it later - who knows?). I don't really know which is better. All I know is that I'm sick of this and I wish I was better. I can't really put it more elloquently at the moment, sorry for that. I blame this miserable fog.

Thursday

I got up way too early this morning. 4am, to be exact. I've read, I've farted around on the internet, and now I'm writing. I had my appointments with M and Dr. C yesterday and both went well. I always look forward to therapy - it's such a release for me and I leave feeling better than when I arrived.
One thing that's disconcerting is the number of meds I'm on. In my last post, I brought up the weight gain. Thank you Lithium. To counteract that, we're starting me on Lamictal, and will be lowering the dose of Lithium I'm on to lessen the weight gain effects. Also, I'm still on the Abilify and Lexapro. FOUR meds for my stupid bipolar. Thankfully, I should be off of the Lexapro in 1-2 months and I may be off the Abilify in 1-2 weeks. We'll see. But probably still on both the Lamictal and Lithium. How annoying. Well, what can you do?
A coworker gave me something interesting the other day. A study on macronutrients. Basically taking high doses of vitamins and minerals to get off medications. She has depression and was on Zoloft and started this regime of supplements and powders and was able to stop her zoloft. Now, I'm all for natural stuff, but at $90 a month and around 32 capsules a day . . .how is that any different? Plus, I don't think mega vitamins will help someone with bipolar. I want studies, not testimony. People will give you whatever testimony you want if you pay them. I think it's a bunch a bunk.
Anyway. I'm rambling. This post is just scattered ramblings of someone who's been up for an hour and a half and who now needs to get ready for work. And make a nice pot of decaff coffee.
Over the next week or two I'll be chronicling my mental fog to see if the lowered dose of Abilify is working or I need to stop it. I'll try and write more often so I can hopefully see if there is a difference in how I'm feeling. I'm actually hoping to get off of it. we'll see. If the fog clears, I guess I'll stay on it.