This is an update

Well, sort of.

I've had a rough go of it lately - namely the last 3 days. The last 3 days have been filled with lots of crying and generally hating myself and life. Not that I'm trying to hate myself and life, that's just kinda what happens.

My depression seems to have returned and it's being a bitch. Most of the time I feel withdrawn, empty, hopeless and like everything is pointless. When I don't feel like that I'm either irritable (like a motherfucker) or crying and feeling even worse.

So it's pretty awesome.

I'm guessing that I'm going to have to increase my Geodon back up to 80mg (I'm currently on 40mg - I was hoping to be stable at this dose and still enjoy a sex life - alas, that doesn't seem like it will be happening). But it is what it is I guess.

I'm drained and tired and tired of dealing with this. I just want Ted to go away. Maybe Juanita (my mania) could pay me a visit. A manageable visit. I wanna be happy and have energy.

Still Cycling

I'm still cycling. It's mild, but it's there. Which is annoying. Can't I just be better already?

Also:

On Nov. 20, the first day of my last hospitalization, I was started on Zyprexa (I was manic and delusional and it was decided that an antipsychotic is a good idea). This is my first time being on an antipsychotic.

Now, I've been having some slight cognitive decline over the last 2 years, but nothing to write home about. But since the 20th . . . sweet mother of GOD what the hell is going on?!?!

First - memory. I'm forgetting everything. EVERYTHING. Things that I know inside and out - forgotten. I've done discharge instructions with patients literally THOUSANDS of times, but now I stop mid sentence not knowing what the hell I was just saying or how I should proceed. It's gone. I just stand there like an idiot stumbling over what I'm trying to say.

Second - concentration and focus. Yeah, totally not there. I get distracted easily. I just can't seem to focus or concentrate AT ALL.

Third - typing. Yep. Typing. Cami, what the hell are you talking about? Well, when I type I randomly leave letters out of words. For no reason. I don't know if my brain is moving too fast for my fingers to keep up or if I'm just literally forgetting letters. (I had to go back and reread this several times to make sure it made sense).

I know some of this is the disease itself - I've had some of these cognitive deficits already. But they haven't been to this extent. And I've declined so quickly.

Could it be the Zyprexa? I'm thinking yes. I emailed Dr. C about it and I'm guessing we'll be taking me off of it (which I'm perfectly fine with).

How stupid is all this???

My Poor, Befuddled Brain

That's right. Befuddled. I like that word. It's a good word. And under used too. We should change that . . .
Anyway, this is a little rant about my brain (Clancy. I named my brain Clancy. Don't judge). I've noticed a steady cognitive decline since last February (2013). That's when I was hospitalized the first time. My second hospitalization was last week, and it's gotten worse.

I have a hard time concentrating. I get distracted easily. I'm having memory issues (I don't remember who told me what, if I'm repeating myself, what did I need at the store?) - if I don't write it down, I tend to forget (this is soooooo not how I used to be). I get overwhelmed easily (again, NOT how I used to be).

I think this realization hit me hard tonight. So, it's Thanksgiving (but you knew that already, didn't you, you sly minx). My hubby and I decided to go to Walmart tonight for their 6pm "Black Friday on Thursday" sale. And guess what? It was bloody busy! Lots of people. Okay, fine, I'll deal (crowds have been making me anxious as of late). While standing in line, my sister called. I was trying to talk to her when I suddenly lost my ability to do anything. I'm not even joking. I was trying to concentrate on our conversation but there was so much going on. So many distractions and people and noises and lights and there's a screaming kid and that lady is being a bitch and what the hell did my sis just say?

It was too much. I babbled incoherently. Seriously. Words came out. Just words, no specific order. Let's just pretend that was a sentence. Yeah . . . that was TOTALLY a sentence. I finally stammered out that I would call her back when we left the store (we did, by the way, score a laptop for $278).

But, a couple years ago that wouldn't have phased me. At. All. And it's frustrating. I've started noticing little deficits here and there at work, too. That's not good. I'm an RN. I deliver babies. I have to be on top of the game. But it's creeping up there. Stupid Clancy. Clancy is an ass.

I know it's part of the disease progression. I know it can be side effects of the meds. But let's be honest - this shit is annoying. And it's affecting my typing!! OMG! WHY?? I mistype constantly!! And if my mind is racing . . . well, my fingers can't keep up. Lame.

Boom. Rant over.

Fuck you Clancy

(I named my brain Clancy, for those of you who don't know)

So my brain is stupid. Not that this is really a surprise, but it's getting damn annoying. I'm feeling better, and yesterday I felt pretty damn good. And then . . .

My brain is an asshole. Clancy, you're an asshole. 

I'm working through all of this ACOA and codependency shit at the moment, which fucking sucks - let's be honest. It's difficult, and even though I have ups and downs with it, for the most part I've been okay. I'm learning more about myself, my flawed coping mechanisms, and how I can change all of this. I've been starting to be gentler with myself (trying, at the very least), and am trying to forgive myself. 

And then BAM! Major bipolar mood swing. Out of nowhere. For no reason. Just sadness and hopelessness and depressive thoughts flooding me. It literally happened in seconds. I was fine, and then I was not. 

This happened last night and has continued into today. I feel like crying and screaming, only I can't. I'm trying not to let it bring me down. I went to the gym, cleaned the bathrooms, did the dishes, swept, vacuumed, did laundry. I'm keeping busy. I'm writing. I'm not curling up into a ball of misery which is what I want to do. So that's a plus.

And I'm saying this is a bipolar swing because of the sudden randomness of its onslaught. If it was going to be feeling like shit because of, say, working through some ACOA stuff, it comes on gradually. Not this. Clancy brought this shit on fast. And I really hate that this stuff still happens. That it will always happen. And that I have to be constantly vigilant for it. That while this isn't necessarily the start of a mood episode, it's still difficult and annoying and tiresome to have to deal with. And that, at any time, my brain might decide to swing me into depression or mania, no matter how stable I think I am, and no matter how much I try to stop it.

So Clancy? You, sir, are an asshole.