Cancer . . . ?

As I sit here writing this, I feel depressed, but I also almost feel nothing. I know I'm depressed - it's obvious. But I'm so emotionally drained that I truly don't feel anything. I'm flat. I'm going through the motions trying to feel, trying to relate, trying to pull myself up and participate in life . . . but I just can't. There's nothing there anymore.I have no joy what so ever in life. I only exist. I don't want to exist. I want to disappear. I want to stop feeling the way Im feeling. I'm so sick of it. I'm done with it.

I had a mammogram and ultrasound on Thursday for a lump I found in my left breast. Turns out the lump is a large cyst. I felt relieved. Until the radiologist came to talk to me. I have calcifications in the axillary lymph nodes on my right side.

The radiologist said I probably have cancer. Cancer. Like I need something else going wrong in my life.

The radiologist thinks it's most likely a sarcoma in the chest that has metastasized. He recommends a chest CT and possibly an MRI. I see an oncologist on the 25th.

I think I've been through enough in my life without adding cancer to the mix. I'm scared. I cried in my truck after he gave me the news, but I haven't cried since. I feel like I need to. Maybe I will in therapy on Thursday. This is making my depression worse. Again, as if that wasn't bad enough. I feel like giving up. I can barely manage myself right now. I already want to not exist because I hate how I feel. And now I'm facing chemo and radiation on top of it all. It seems pointless. Why bother fighting to live when the majority of me doesn't want to?

I hate the waiting. I just want to know. Tell me what it is and what the plan of action is. I just need to know.

In Remembrance

No, this isn't about Paul Walker. That shit is annoying.

This post is for my dad. Thirteen years ago today he passed away at the young age of 43 from lung cancer. December 1, 2000. He was at MD Anderson in Houston, Texas, undergoing experimental chemotherapy. He had the most aggressive form of lung cancer and it had already metastasized to his vocal cords and brain when he was diagnosed. His battle with it lasted 6 short months.

I want to tell the story of my dad, my last memories of him. I don't know the proper timeline of events - I don't remember all of the details. And I want to do the story justice.

So I'll be writing about it off and on, and when I get a full story done, one that I'm happy with, I'll post it. My dad was an amazing man. He was my confidant and my champion. I was very much a daddy's girl and we put each other on a pedestal.

Dad, I love you and miss you. Thank you for watching over me, you're the best guardian angel a girl could have.