Internal Struggle

I have a pretty awesome internal struggle going on right now. Of the kind that causes anguish, fear, nausea and the trots (no really - I totally have the trots). Here's what's up:

Yesterday hubs and I made a huge decision - one that completely changes our lives.

We're going to foreclose on our house and file bankruptcy.

Why? Because of my stupid fucking brain. No joke. I'm going to be going part time to give myself a break, decrease my stress level, and hopefully keep my stability longer than a month. Which means we can't afford to stay in our house.

The decision is made, we know what we're doing. So then why the internal struggle . . . ?

Because I am me and I suck.

I like to self sabotage. I do it subconsciously, but I do it. I had this revelation almost 8 months ago. Since then I've been working on curbing it. And I've done relatively well.

But this . . . this is difficult. It's a shitty situation and exceedingly stressful at best. And then you throw in my marginally stable, self sabotaging mind and, well, you get the idea.

Today I've been pretty down. I keep having negative thoughts invade my mind. I keep thinking about how all of this is happening because of me. This wasn't supposed to be how things played out. I was going to be better and move on and work and everything was going to be perfect and fall into place. I should be better. We shouldn't have to do this. It's my fault. If only I was stronger or not sick or sucked it up more . . .

See the trend? Great fodder for a downward spiral. And 9 months ago the spiral would have been immediate and devastating.

But not now. Not today. Because I know more about myself. Because I know that I can self sabotage. And because, while technically this turn of events is because of me, I know that my health and my ability to be a wife and a mother are more important than the house. We'll find a house to rent. And eventually we'll buy again. In the big scheme of things, this isn't all that bad.

Now, that being said, this isn't easy. I'm fighting against everything that is me. I'm fighting against my nature, my coping mechanisms. And it is anything but easy. Stopping the negative thoughts is exhausting. It takes energy. It drains me. It would be so much easier to give in. Give up and give in.

But I don't want to. I really don't want to. I don't want to be sick anymore. I can't be sick anymore. So I'm going to fight it and curb the negative thoughts and not start a pity party of one.

My health is more important than the house. My health is more important than the house. 

(I'll probably need to say that several more times)

So About Work . . .

Yesterday was my first day back at work. I was in the nursery (meaning going to deliveries - every delivery) and we were steady - we did 6 deliveries. Overall, I would say that it was a good day.

Now, having said that, I did noticed some definite deficits.

First and foremost - cognition. I was processing things more slowly. Luckily, in a life or death situation (I did a resuscitation on the baby in my first delivery), I was good. Snap, on-the-fly decisions came without hesitation - my critical thinking wasn't affected.

When it came to prioritizing things - charting, making charts, phone calls, lab draws, circumcision checks . . . I was not so good. I was slow to process and I had a hard time focusing and concentrating. You might want to say "but Cami, it was your first day back after 5 weeks off." And I would say yep, you're right - but I shouldn't have issues with this kind of stuff. I'm the most organized, efficient person at work.

Or at least I was.

Next - exhaustion. By 1pm I was done with people. Done. The fact that I had to interact at all was too much for me. I became withdrawn and flat, saying little. I felt mentally and emotionally drained. I felt tired. I found it difficult to be present.

And lastly - myself. Yes, I was a problem. Which is quite stupid, if you ask me. I was a problem because I had high expectations of myself - and I didn't meet these expectations. The day was both harder and easier than I thought it would be. I had a preconceived notion that I was going to fail miserably - and I didn't. So easier. But I didn't meet my high expectations, so harder.

See, my problem is the deficits. With each mood episode you get worse. Where as 2.5 years ago I was 100%, now I'm functioning at maybe 87%. And it will continue to get worse. I notice these deficits. I've been noticing them get worse over the last year (most notably over the last 4 months). And for me that's devastating. To not be able to function at my best, especially at work, is just not okay.

And I'm starting to beat myself up over it which could cause a downward spiral. I'm doing my best to curb the negative thoughts and for now I'm succeeding. It's just that they keep coming. Negative thoughts, what-ifs, and doubt is all trying to creep in. I don't want to function at 87% - I want to be 100%. I should be 100%.

"Shoulds" are bad. "Shoulds" make you feel bad. Part of my problem.

The other issue is whether or not I go part time. I honestly think that for right now, part time would be best for me. A little less work, a little less stress, a little more recovery time. I think it's what I need.

But I have a strong work ethic. And I feel like I'll be letting people down.

I also feel I have an obligation to my family. If I go part time we'll have a major shift in how we're living - namely, foreclosing on our house, filing bankruptcy, and moving into a rental house. That's a lot to process and that whole situation is based on what I chose to do.

How fucking terrifying is that??

I feel all this pressure to perform, to perform well, and make everything be okay. Most of it is probably put on by myself and my expectations, but I can't change that that's how I feel.

And I'm not catastrophizing - I should get that out there. I'm actually trying to minimize everything. I'm trying not to catastrophize. I'm trying to be practical.

Well, there you have it. There are deficits. I'm at 87% instead of 100%. I'm terrified of what going part time means, even though I think it would be better for me. Boom. Done.

Back to work . . .

So I'm going back to work on Monday after having been off for 5 weeks. Am I ready to go back? I don't know. I mean, I'm ready in that I want to be back and I'm getting pretty bored at home . . . but I don't know if I'm ready to be back.

I had coffee yesterday with a couple of friends and was, yet again, surprised at how tiring it was. It shouldn't be tiring - it's just coffee - but it was.

If seeing friends, and having coffee with friends is so tiring, so exhausting, how is a 12 hour shift at work going to be?

Well, we'll see.

The past few days I've been coming to terms with something else: how sick I truly was. I can't deny it anymore, even though I still try. I was sick. Very sick. I was mixed and then I was manic - full blown manic, for the first time ever. Then back to mixed. Then suicidal. All in a short period of time. It took a lot out of me. I'm still reeling from it.

There are other changes happening too. Something that I never even dreamed would happen . . .

Hubs and I are considering foreclosing on our house. Foreclosing and filing bankruptcy.

Because of my bipolar.

See, there's a very good possibility that I'm going to be going part time - less stress, better for my brain. But going part time puts an added financial strain on us. Could we afford to stay in our house? Of course! But things would be tight. And if something happened, if I was hospitalized again, or needed disability . . . well, that would be another story.

So we're considering foreclosure and bankruptcy, which is terrifying.

So much going on.