Frustrated

Well. I have 6 ECT treatments under my belt. And overall, I'm feeling better. Hubbs has noticed a positive change. Yaaaaaay.

But I'm fucking frustrated. Why? I seem to have slipped into a mixed state. Meaning? I'm hyperirritable. I'm a cranky-ass bitch. And I feel like I may snap - either go off or break down, I'm not sure which. This is a shitty feeling to have - especially after starting to feel better.

I'm trying to keep things in perspective.  First and foremost - you were close to killing yourself. ANY reprieve from feeling that shitty is to be cherished. Secondly, the majority of your days over the past 2 weeks were an improvement over where you had been.

I don't know what it is, really . . . .

I've been feeling better. I want to go do things. I want to start working out again, get in shape, eat healthier. I want to do more things with my family, participate in life again, go back to work. I'm excited to do this stuff . . .

And then this weekend hits. And my mood is crap. I'm irritable, bitchy. And today . . . ugh. The depression is trying to weasel its way back in. The despair. Everything is trying to come back. I'm on pinterest and see a post about cutting . . . I feel the draw, it's a trigger. Why? Why is it such a trigger? I'm feeling better . . .

I'm scared. I realize, I must be scared. I've struggled for so long, I don't know how to not struggle. I don't know how to not be depressed. And I realize, I don't want to struggle anymore - I don't want to have bad days. I think I equate bad days with failure. (God forbid I fail).

Again I have to remind myself that I have a chronic, lifelong, illness and that I get to battle my brain and emotions every. Single. Day.

And I don't fucking want to. I want the ECT to work and be done with it. I don't want to have to struggle every day. I just want to be fine. Yeah, I know: whoa is me, life is unfair. Stop with the pity party, right?

Well fuck you.

Thank  God I have therapy on Thursday.. Fuck.

It's been awhile

So yeah. It's been awhile since my last post and quite a bit has happened. Let's see, last post was about depression coming back.

And that is still the case I'm afraid. But I also have this really awesome thing called anxiety. And it's been bad. I have panic attacks when I try and sleep. At first it was just with trying to nap. Then it started with going to bed at night. Racing heart, feeling of impending doom, shakiness, panic. It happens at random times throughout the day too. Sometimes it's constant throughout the day.

Hell, I'm almost in a full panic attack right now, writing this.

I've had irritability and insomnia - to the point where I've been taking klonopin to sleep.

I have all the symptoms of a mixed episode starting. At first I was thinking it might be caused by Deplin - a folic acid supplement that my psych doc put me on. I found one site that listed insomnia, irritability and anxiety as side effects. But I looked it up on my work's fancy info site and it seems that this is not the case (at least for 99% of people - who knows, maybe I'm that 1%). It can cause acne though - which has gotten horrifically bad. So I stopped taking the Deplin, just in case.

The anxiety and irritability continues (the insomnia has gotten better, thank God).

I've had some other issues (that I won't discuss here) which has led to my psych doc having me increase my geodon back up to 80mg - which I really do not want to do (last night was my first increased dose and I certainly feel the effects today - namely fatigue and grogginess). He's also considering starting me on Depakote, which we'll discuss when I see him on Monday (I have strong reservations about going on this drug because of the side effects). He's also started the process of trying to get me seen by the mood experts at Mass General in Boston. I want to go so badly but I'm not terribly hopeful that it will happen.

I've taken to rating my mood on a scale from 1-10, and most days it's around a 3. I'd like it around a 6. I've had some 2's, and I've had a few 4's as well. But, still pretty low. And did I mention anxiety? And irritability? Oh I have? Okay.

What else . . . I was in on a code on a baby and the baby died. This was my first infant death (though I've coded many babies). I took it pretty hard - harder than I thought I would. So hard, even, that my brain went into overdrive giving me full blown depression with suicidal ideation for a day. And then - poof - gone. My brain does not handle stress well at all apparently.

Speaking of stress, I still get overwhelmed at work. I'm keeping my shit together just fine, I just feel overwhelmed and exhausted after working. And during working. Especially since almost every day I've worked we've done 8-10 deliveries. So crazy busy. But I'm handling it better than I was even a month ago, which makes me feel hopeful that at some point I'll be able to go back to full time. Probably not anytime soon, but at some point (I still have a hard time handling two days a week - let alone 3 right now). But I'll get there.

And lastly, my son has been having some anxiety issues of his own - mostly about something happening to my hubby or I (or his uncle). This has been going on for weeks. A few days ago he asked me tons of questions about my bipolar (not that he called it that - he's 7). Wanting to know why I act the way I do, why do I get angry or cry for no reason, why am I sad, why doesn't my brain work right, why do I have to take so many pills, will I always be like this. That kinda stuff. And he made a request that actually kinda hurt - he asked to see a therapist. He wants to "talk to someone about this like you do". It broke my heart a little because I know that quite a bit of his anxiety is cause by my instability. But I'll find a child therapist for him so he can talk - as much as he needs to. Maybe it's only one session. Maybe it's several. I don't know.

Alright. I've written enough for now. A brief overview of what the hell has been going on.

Why?

It's been a rough couple of days.  My mood has been pretty down in the dumps. Top that off with a sick, cranky kid who makes himself barf . . . .well, it put me over the top. I broke down last night and tonight. I was really trying to keep it together and hide everything, but it's just been too much. I'm stretched too thin and I feel overwhelmed. I'm trying not to catastrophize, and remember that tomorrow is a new day, but at the moment it's hard. All I want is to be alone. Completely alone. But that's not going to happen. Not tomorrow, not anytime this week. And quite frankly, it pisses me off.

On a side note, I named my brain Clancy. That way when I hear things that aren't there I can go "god dammit Clancy! WTF?". It makes me sound less crazy. Or more crazy. I'm not sure which.

Fun with your Psychiatrist

Actual email I just sent my psychiatrist:

"Hey Dr. C, I figured I'd give you a quick update on how I've been doing since our last meeting on christmas eve. I've had a couple of low days - pretty darn low. One I had very strong suicidal ideation, bordering on suicidal. But it passed, and the next day I took a nuvigil and pressed on. Most days I'm doing pretty good - sometimes blah and disinterested - but still pretty good. I'll keep pluggin' along and take it day by day.

I have my latest lab results back - thyroid and lamictal levels. My thyroid: TSH 0.52 (ref. range 0.36-3.74), free T4 0.88 (ref. range 0.76-1.46), T3 total 203 (ref. range 70-190). My lamictal level is 4.5 (ref. range 3-14). I think having my T3 levels higher has helped with the depression, hopefully :)

Also, when I saw M this week, I told him a fun little nugget of information he said I should share with you, just so we're all on the same page. I've been having some auditory hallucinations, which is awesome. And by awesome I mean somewhat annoying and slightly terrifying. Most are pretty benign - claps and whirs and tapping and metal on metal grinding sounds. Some . . .not so much. I was coming home from the gym and went to unlock the garage door and I heard someone on the other side of the door unlocking it for me. No one was home. At work on Wednesday I heard a little girl singing on two separate occasions. No one else could hear her. That one freaked me out a bit because it was crystal clear.

Okay wait. Did you hear that? Please tell me you heard that. Please. I'm serious. Can you hear that laughter?? Okay, this is getting to be too much.

That was a joke, by the way. Because I'm awesome and funny like that. You're welcome.

And I actually am having the auditory hallucinations. That part wasn't a joke. Only the joke part was a joke. I'll shut up now.

I'll keep you updated if anything changes, otherwise I'll see you in February at my next appointment.

Thank you!"

That was fun. I'm curious what his response will be . . .

Also? Why the hell does my font color/type/whatever randomly change? Seriously. I've tried changing it 4 times.

Wait, what?

Wow. Four days without a post! How crazy is that? Not that crazy, I guess. I think cats are crazier than that.

I've been a bit too busy and a bit too tired to write. I've been painting (surprise) and did sew a commission zombie bunny. Go me! And then work - training as charge nurse, which I've pretty much just taken over doing.

Mood wise has been interesting. Ups and downs daily and sometimes hourly. I never know how I'm going to feel one moment to the next. I'm just . . .everywhere. Today I went from slightly depressed and withdrawn to downright hypomanic and everywhere in between. It's frustrating.

Also? I've been having auditory hallucinations! Which is a lot of fun. Really.

Or not. It's a bit terrifying, actually. I've been hearing clicks and whirring and chimes and bells and metal on metal scraping. Yesterday when I got home from the gym, I went to unlock the garage door. Well you know that sound when you put the key in the lock and turn it? Yeah. That's what I heard. When I was doing nothing but standing there. And it wouldn't stop. Not until I put my key in the lock to actually unlock the door. And today at work I heard a girl singing. I looked everywhere (I was at the front desk) and no little girl. Or boy. Or people, for that matter. I heard it again and a coworker of mine did not. It creeped me the fuck out. And writing this I heard a loud, almost vibrating guttural growl.

I've also heard extra voices singing along with the radio/my ipod music. A very clear aberration of what I usually hear. Those extra voices should not be there.

So it's been pretty awesome. I'm going to tell M about it tomorrow and see what he thinks. I'm guessing he'll want me to email Dr. C about it, which I really don't want to do. I don't want any more meds. I don't want anything more to be going on.

Why can't the voices tell me how awesome I am? And give me the winning lotto numbers? And help me write my book? Maybe they could deal with my annoying patients and coworkers too . . . Or at least make me a sandwich. I don't know if voices can do that. But they should.