Some Frustration

Well. It's been almost a full month since I posted anything. It's not that I haven't had anything to write about, it's just that I haven't published it.

I've been very frustrated lately. See, I'm in a low grade depression. Chock full of apathy, negative thoughts, exhaustion, and feeling like I want to die - or at least not exist - because everything seems pointless. I often don't want to be around people or interact with them. I kinda don't want to be touched at times. I often want to sleep so that I don't have to deal with how I'm feeling.

I hate this.

I was triggered 2 weeks ago by something I read in one of my Al-Anon daily readers. It was about forgiveness. And it made me realize that I haven't forgiven my mom for her drinking. And that I can't separate her from the disease of alcoholism. I can't see her for the person she is. Anytime I come close, my walls shoot up. And they're tall, thick, and covered in barbed wire.

This trigger happened on Friday the 17th. Saturday the 18th I talked about it in Al-Anon. The following Wednesday (last Wednesday) I talked about it in therapy and then with hubby that night. I started grieving the relationship that I will never have with my mom. This, I think, is the first step in forgiving her and forming some kind of relationship (I hadn't spoken to her in over 3 months).

I then called her last Saturday and we talked for 30 minutes. It went well - better than I thought - and I decided that we can talk, but only on my terms. I'll have to wait and see how this goes.

But what's frustrating is this damn depression. I'm stable for fuck's sake!!! I shouldn't have to deal with this!!

Except that this is part of having bipolar disorder.

I can be triggered and go into a mood episode. Since I'm stable, this depressive episode isn't as bad as it could be. Which I should be thankful for. And I am. But I'm still fighting against how I think I should feel being stable (which is no swings, happy all the time, cheerful, energetic, possibly slightly hypomanic - this is unrealistic, I know, but it's my ideal), and how I actually feel.

My "should" is very unrealistic. I was starting to accept that. Starting to accept that I'll have mini swings (that are more extreme than the "normal" range of emotions). Starting to accept that my mood can still change at the drop of a hat and that I will never truly know what my mood will be like at any given moment. I was starting to accept that.

But then this depression happened, and it has hung around for 2 weeks, and everything that I was starting to accept goes out the window.

So I'm frustrated. I'm reminding myself daily that this is part of bipolar disorder, that I'm still way better than I have been, and that eventually it will pass. I'm doing all of the correct, positive things that I should be doing and that I've learned how to do in therapy. I'm trying to dig myself out of this hole. And I will. I know I will. Or at least I keep telling myself that.

Ugh. Stupid depressive feels.

Booooooooooo

I'm not sure if I've posted about this particular topic before. So I'm gonna give some background info first:

You all probably know that my mom is an alcoholic. Has been one for as long as I can remember. I have vivid, negative memories of my childhood, being the caretaker often for my brother and my mom. Lots of baggage with this. I'm ACOA (adult child of an alcoholic). This brings numerous characteristics of behavior and maladapted coping (which goes along awesomely with being bipolar . . . that was sarcasm by the way). (I should also point out that she is in complete denial about her drinking. She could be pouring vodka in a cup, drink from it, and tell you that she doesn't drink. I'm not exaggerating)

I've been diagnosed with chronic PTSD because of my upbringing. My mom is a huge trigger for me (my therapist and I have been working on this intensely for the last month and a half or so). For the longest time I refused to talk to her after about 6pm. Why? Because she would most likely be drunk and I can't handle that. Talking to my mom when she's been drinking - even if she's not drunk - has a decidedly negative effect on me. Anger, frustration, helplessness, fear, guilt, and shame all flood me. I overreact emotionally, which can send me into a bipolar mood swing. That's not good.

While trying to work through all this in therapy she's become even more of a trigger for me. So that even getting a text from her (no matter what time of day) gives me all of those negative emotions and fills me with anxiety. My therapist suggested I do something drastic - cut my mom out completely. No texts, no phone calls, no emails. If I don't have to constantly battle my negative feelings, perhaps I could work more on recovery. Makes sense.

And was very inviting.

So I sent my mom an email outlining the restrictions. No contact unless I initiate it. If she wanted to know how I was doing she could enquire through my hubby (which he had said he was okay with). I explained why. I let her know that this wasn't permanent, but that I didn't know how long it would last. She sent me an email back letting me know how much this hurt her (a guilt tactic, which she had used often growing up - I have no doubt that this decision hurt her but she lays it on thick). She said she would honor my wishes.

It was going well for a couple of weeks. I was a little more relaxed. I'm dealing with a lot of guilt over this as I'm her daughter - I should be talking to her and checking up on her and being what a daughter is supposed to be (which my therapist told me I need to get over - he pointed out that I felt this way partly because I always felt that way growing up - I had an obligation to her).

And then last night happened.

She texted my hubby and let him know that she had gone to the hospital as she thought she had a blood clot (she had surgery for a broken ankle 8? 10? 12?  weeks ago and was in a cast and then a walking boot). She told him that she was home and okay and it wasn't a clot (whatever was going on was caused because she wasn't following her physician's orders and hadn't been wearing the walking boot like she was supposed to). She stated in her text that all she needed was me and that I wasn't there for her and it was bullshit (I read the text). All those icky, negative feels? They came flooding back. My sense of guilt and shame overwhelmed me. I didn't know what to do. I mean, she's my mom and I love her and I want to know that she's alright. But at the same time the thought of talking to her filled me with dread.

After much trepidation I decided to text her. Asked her how she was doing as hubby had told me about the trip to the hospital. It was a very brief exchange of texts. I told her if something major like this happened that she could contact me - I'm not heartless, I'm just trying to care for me and heal.

The exchange of texts, the feelings that flooded me . . . it was overwhelming. The hour of deliberation and texts left me completely exhausted. Literally. It was only 8pm and I was ready for bed I was so exhausted. How fucking stupid is that? And equally disturbing is that no one can really understand that.

How having to wrestle with my feelings and my mom can take everything out of me and leave me empty.

It is so. Fucking. Stupid.

I didn't tell my hubby that last night. I don't think he'd understand (sorry). And the not understanding coupled with the guilt and shame I was feeling would have really put me over the top. I was already fragile enough last night.

I fucking hate this.

Today I'm conflicted. I feel so guilty that I think I should just reinstate contact with my mom. Not because I want to - but because I feel obligated to do so. My therapist would very strongly advise against this (as does my best friend). I need to get myself healthy. I shouldn't engage with my mom until she's not such a strong trigger. I'm siding with no contact. I need time.

I just hate how shitty I feel.