Weird day so far . . .

I woke up this morning with the feeling that it was pointless to get out of bed. I was wide awake, which is unusual (the past few weeks I've been horrifically groggy in the mornings), but it just seemed stupid to get out of bed. I mean really, what was the point? My son is at his grandma's, I'm home alone, I have nothing to do until I see my pdoc at 5, so what's the point? Nothing really matters anyway.

But we have a guy coming to clean our ducts, furnace and air conditioner today so I needed to be up and showered. So I got up. And I showered. And I had breakfast and coffee. All I could think about was cutting or burning so I decided to make myself do something. I tidied up, folded laundry, dusted, and cleaned my office. I got my son's sheets in the wash and our comforter in the dryer.

It's 10:45 and I again have nothing to do. The duct guy is here. I can read, but I don't really feel like it (and I've got 6 hours to kill). I could try drawing but that just seems too daunting a task. Nothing I draw comes out right anyway and I get frustrated to the point of wanting to destroy something.

I want to get rid of stuff. Like, a lot of stuff. Trash it, give it away, sell it, whatever. Everything feels cluttered and we're going to need to downsize anyway.

I'm still apathetic but I'm restless. I didn't sleep well and I'm tired but I have this nervous energy. I hate it when I feel like this. Like life is meaningless and I'd be better off not participating in it. I'm not suicidal, I just want to disappear. Not exist for awhile. Obviously, I can't do that. So I'm just kinda stuck. Feeling like crap but not really feeling.

I hate not feeling. Well, the past few weeks I either have icky feels or no feels. Both are bad. I keep thinking that I'll even out, that Dr. Schulman will be right and I'll be okay and everything will even out. He said to give it at least 3-4 months. But then I think, feeling like this? For another 3-4 months? Can I get any fucking reprieve? Trauma work fills me with the icky feels. Triggers fill me with the icky feels. And when I'm not feeling icky I feel empty and dead inside. This is no way to be. And I keep thinking about how I get to deal with this for the rest of my life. Maybe my pdoc was right - maybe I do need to be on something for depression. The Brintellix like she recommended. But I'm scared to try something new - I have a bad track record with medications.

Oh well. What can I do? Keep plugging along and hope for the best I guess. Every day is a new day, and just because today is crappy it doesn't mean tomorrow will be crappy too.

I'm tired.

It's a bit stupid how tired I am. I worked two days in a row. Wednesday and Thursday.

And I'm exhausted.

Wednesday was slow, not too much going on. I had patients on the floor and did one delivery. Thursday was busier and my coworker and I did 8 deliveries. Both days I was drained and at times it showed. Both days I was alternately okay and withdrawn. Talking to coworkers proved too much to handle at times. I was okay with patients, thank God for small favors.

But two days in a row is apparently too much for me. I used to be able to work two or even three days in a row without any issues whatsoever. But not now. Now it's too much.

This morning I went to the riding center to muck stalls and that was actually a stupid move. It exhausted me further. I was tired this morning, drained and groggy. But I had perked up a little after taking my son to school so I decided fuck it - why not? So I went. And I made it 2 hours, surprisingly. I don't know how I did because I was so tired I thought I'd pass out. I think I made it out of sheer stupid stubbornness.

Mucking stalls is therapeutic for me, which is why I went. But I kinda wish I hadn't. I still haven't recovered. I'm drained and tired and exhausted. But I can't fall asleep to take a nap. Which is dumb.