Grey Pubes Suck

They do. Nobody likes grey pubes. I found one a few weeks ago, which was distressing. So I plucked it and was quite pleased with myself. Well, this morning I found a grey eyebrow hair. AND another grey pube! WTF, body? I don't want this! Why must you torture me so???

Enough of that. I'm feeling better most days, which is fantastic. Not where I want to be, but better. I have days still where I'm flat and withdrawn - these happen most when I'm at work. I think from all of the stimulus and all of the different people - almost like sensory overload. But I'm getting there.

Mucking with my thyroid meds again. I was taking 90mg of armor thyroid and my TSH is critically low and my T4 and T3 are in range of causing thyroid storm. Very scary. So Dr. C dropped me down to 60mg (the last time I was at this dose I was hyPOthyroid - we'll see how this works). I can't see an endocrinologist until May 7th.

I found a horse for sale named "Icky". And he pokes other horses with sticks. He pokes other horses with sticks, people!! This is the PERFECT horse for me!! I need him. If only we could afford boarding fees . . .

That's all for now, I'm lazy and want a nap. 

Whoooo!

I went almost a week without a post! I've actually been busy and not quite in the mood to write. Mainly because I've been busy. And tired. But lots happened.

Last Sunday, my first day back to work (when I was put on call), I ended up being called in at 1400 for the nursery. I did a whole buncha nothing until 1830 when I was called to a delivery. It went well, I did my thing and was leaving the room around 1850 when the labor and delivery charge came racing towards me yelling "STAT C/S NOW, DR. B's PATIENT! ABRUPTION!" (an abruption is when the placenta detaches before the baby is born - very bad). I ran back to the nursery, literally threw my stuff down, grabbed a new tackle box and ran to the OR. Got in there at 1852, baby was born at 1855 essentially dead. Resuscitated and baby did great. An interesting first day back (I should also mention that I LOVE doing resuscitations - I think I'm the only one there that does).

I worked Wednesday and Thursday, both days in the nursery, and both days went well (and were very busy). So far no issues with going back to work and everyone is respecting my privacy and not asking questions.

I had therapy with M on Tuesday which went very well (as always - love that man). Towards the end of my session I mentioned how with everything that had been going on, I felt like I needed a parent. A parent to hug and cry to. I don't have that with my mom and wouldn't be comfortable with it. At all. And my dad . . .well my dad died in 2000 of lung cancer (he was 43). Now, I'm not going into any detail right now. My dad was my confidant, my hero. I only really opened up to him. I was a daddy's girl 100%. I love him and I miss him. And that grief and sense of loss was raw and overwhelming on Tuesday. I spent the afternoon and evening crying. I cried the big ugly cry every time - you know, the one where you sob uncontrollably and snot is flying everywhere . . .THAT cry. And I needed to. And it was good to let it out. And it was actually refreshing to be crying for something OTHER than depression/hopelessness/emptiness/etc.

Therapy with Chance again yesterday (Friday). He was helpful as always, knew what I needed and responded quickly and comfortably with me. I drew on him with chalk. And he rather enjoyed it. :) The next 2 weeks are the weeks off for the horses so I won't see him until April 5th. Makes me sad, but I'll live :P

One last thing - I'm trying something risky. I'm stopping my thyroid medication. Why is this risky? Because my catastrophic depressive downswing could have been triggered by hypothyroidism. So I'm stopping my thyroid meds. To purposefully induce hypothyroidism. To see if the same thing happens again. I have an appointment with an endocrinologist, but the earliest I can be seen is June 10th. Yeah. JUNE 10TH. The fuck. So, trying this. If I go hypothyroid, and the depression doesn't come, well, then it's probably not the trigger. However, if depression DOES come, then I'll be having my primary doc give me a referral to Denver or ANYWHERE I can get in to see an endo doc WAY sooner than June 10th. And with the current dose of thyroid meds I'm on, I'm HYPERthyroid (if I drop the dose slightly I swing the other way). And let's be honest - the hyperthyroid symptoms are becoming quite bothersome (constipation, hot flashes,increased appetite, brittle nails that split and crack, insanely dry, itchy skin, and my hair is starting to thin and break). So we'll see. This should be interesting.

Well now . . .

I was actually going to write last night. I put it off because I was tired and brain dead and with the stupid "spring forward" time change . . . well, I wanted to get some sleep. Because I'm supposed to be working today (my first day back). But I'll have you notice that I'm writing (and I can't access blogger at work anymore). Meaning I'm home. I was put on call. Sadly, I didn't get the call until I was out of the shower and I wasn't able to fall back to sleep. Boo to that. Now I need coffee.

I cried Friday during my horse therapy. I worked with Chance again - he's a great teacher. Justin, the therapist working with me there, is very perceptive. He pointed something out about me that I've buried and hid and try to ignore. He did this by watching me with Chance. I was trying to get Chance to follow me/listen to me off lead. At first he wouldn't. I picked up his lead again but kept hesitating to let go and try again. Justin called me over and asked me why I wasn't letting go. I wasn't really sure, said I thought that maybe Chance wasn't going to follow. Here's the gist of what he said: "It seems that you don't want to let go because you're afraid to trust that he'll follow you. Is that maybe what you're doing with your negative thoughts? You're holding on to them so tightly because you're scared to let go and trust you'll get better?" That's when I started crying. He asked what was going on right then. And I told him yes, I thought he was right. It's scary to let go. I've been so depressed for so long (15 months) that depression is familiar. We tend to stay with what we're familiar with. I know this. I've KNOWN this. And still I'm stuck there. So I cried. And I took Chance off lead and he followed me and did everything that I asked. And he nuzzled me and leaned on me.

And I think that I really AM stuck there. It's what I'm working so bloody hard on correcting. It's why I'm in therapy, equine therapy, doing positive readings, mood tracking, trying to block negative thoughts and purposefully look for  anything and everything positive. It's why I've been changing my diet, getting to the gym and trying to stay consistent with my sleep schedule. I'm trying to stay calm and relaxed and stay present in the moment. And keeping up with all of these things, all the time, is taxing and exhausting. Especially when I'm not seeing the results I want.

I think I'm going to bring this up with M this week. Because it's true - I can't let go. I can't just let go and trust and be. And if I could, I think I would be much better off. 

Today was sunny

Awesome title, yeah? Not really. Today was sunny though. I sat outside for awhile and tried to meditate and I learned something - I suck at meditating. My mind likes to wander. But it was nice to have the sun on my face and to relax and hear nothing but the birds.

I'm feeling a little better today than I have the past several, which have been pretty rough. It's been hard though. The depression is right there - right under the surface, waiting for any opportunity to take control. It took all of my concentration to keep it at bay. I stayed busy - went to the gym, went on a drive, sewed - and I did everything I could to block negative thoughts and feelings and focus on the good. And that's a hell of a lot harder than it sounds and takes quite a bit of energy. It leaves me feeling drained.

I start back to work on Sunday and I have mixed feelings about it. I want to go back - I miss my job and coworkers and patients. But at the same time I'm apprehensive about it. I'm not sure how I'll handle the added stress. Especially with how I've felt since this past Sunday. I guess I'll find out.

I don't know what else to write right now. My brain is mush. I'd like to go to sleep until tomorrow morning (it's 5pm as I write this). Boo.

Frustrated

My mood is down in the dumps again. And not just low - curl up in a ball and not exist low. The last several days have been difficult. And it's frustrating because I thought I was starting to feel better. I was starting to feel a little emotion, come out of my shell a little, interact more, smile a little more, and even feel a little happy, a little "normal".

And then WHAM! Clancy (my brain) decided fuck you, we're gonna feel like shit again for no reason. Just because we can. And that's how I feel. I cried today. Quite a bit. And I felt lost and hopeless and angry that I felt lost and hopeless.

Nothing I do seems to work. Or it only works for a short time. My equine therapy, for example, makes me feel wonderful and content. That feeling lasts a couple of days and the flatness or now, depression, sinks in again.

I just don't know what to do anymore. A friend suggested I try acupuncture. So I will. I'm going to call tomorrow. Insurance will cover 24 appointments. Maybe I should try a juice fast and a colonic. Or some peyote. Or leeches.

One day at a time. One day at a time . . .

A quick-ish update

I probably won't make this one long. It's just been awhile since I last posted. Since my last post (8 days ago, holy crap!), I'm feeling a little more. Everything is still muted. The feelings are there . . .they're just weak, muted, and cloudy. But I'm getting there.

I saw Dr. C on Monday, we're keeping my meds as is (how they were adjusted in the hospital). I see him again in a month.

I saw M last week and yesterday (Wednesday), and I'll still be going weekly. My visits are always good and yesterday I was even able to laugh and joke and genuinely feel it.

About yesterday, I ended up being slightly hypomanic. I had a hard time sitting still, was fidgety, had some racing thoughts and flight of ideas, and pressured speech. It was very mild, but it was there. This morning, down in the dumps, no motivation. Blah.

One thing that I started last week is equine therapy. Yay! I'm working with horses! Equine therapy involves using the horse as a guide to build confidence, peace of mind, and the ability to be in the moment - to be present. It also helps you focus and gives a sense of purpose. Last week I worked with Chance - a lovely quarter horse/Arabian cross. He is very kind and gentle, but let me know when I wasn't paying attention or wasn't connected. I started by brushing him and getting comfortable with him. After that we did lead work - me holding the lead and walking Chance. If you're not confident, if you're not showing you're connected, you're aware, the horse won't follow. And Chance could be stubborn at times. While walking, if my mind started to wander, he would stop. He wouldn't budge until I came back to him, put my hand on his neck, centered myself, and started again. He was very patient. I tried having him follow while off the lead, but he wouldn't have any of it.

Today, Chance was in a therapy group, so I had to choose a different horse. I walked up to several in the pen, and Jesse caught my eye. He was interested in me and thoroughly enjoyed having his forehead scratched. As I moved on to another horse, he followed me. So Jesse it was! He is more assertive than Chance, and more outgoing. Has a lot more spunk. We brought him to the outdoor pen where there were some mares in the field next to it. I took the lead off Jesse as he wanted to investigate the mares. He strutted and galloped and trotted around, huffing and looking all proud. Then he rolled in the dirt and came back to me. I brushed him and we started lead work. Jesse is a bit goofy but very focused and followed me, backed up for me, everything I wanted. I took him off the lead and he followed and did everything I asked. I was so amazed! What a fabulous feeling! Maybe it was because I was more confident, less nervous. Maybe I happened to connect more with Jesse. I'm not sure. But it was wonderful.

N, the gal who is the trainer and part owner working with me, and J, the therapist working with me, were both quite surprised and pleased that I worked so well with Jesse. Next week I'll be choosing between Jesse and Chance. I figure I'll see who I most connect with in the pen when I go.

I'm loving the equine therapy. I truly am. Any chance to be around and working with horses.

That's about all I got right now. I've got stuff on the back burner, but I'm waiting for inspiration to hit. More I want to write about, but I'm not sure how I want to go about doing it.

I wish I could cry. . . .

I wish I could cry. I need to. I want to. But I can't. I'm so devoid of any feeling I can't even cry. How sad is that? One of the hallmarks of depression . . .and I can't muster up even one tear. I want to cry, and at the same time, I don't even care.

I don't care what happens. I just don't. I don't feel and I don't care. What a sad, sorry place to be. I want to go to sleep and not wake up. All I want to do is sleep. When I sleep, I don't have to deal with how I feel and how I'm thinking. I don't have to deal with the emptiness and lack of feeling. I don't have to deal with anything.

My ability to cope is growing weaker every day I feel this way. I don't know what else to do to cope. Everything I've done doesn't seem to work. I'm going to start going to church. Hopefully that will help. I'm starting equine therapy. Hopefully that will help. But that, coupled with everything else I'm doing . . .if it's not enough, if my feelings don't improve . . .I don't know what I'll do.

No one can live like this for long. I can barely put on my mask anymore. I think I'm only convincing around my son - and that's shaky at best.

My meds better kick in. Something has to change. Something has to work. I only have so much fight left in me.