Back from Boston

And can I just say "wow". It was a whirlwind of a trip - we were only in Boston for around 24 hours. But I learned quite a bit - and can hopefully move forward in my recovery.

I'm still processing everything I was told, and probably will be for some time. A bomb of knowledge was dropped on me and, while some of it is just speculation, it's a lot for me to think about.

Let's start with this: I saw Dr. Brian Schulman at the Bipolar Clinic and Research Program at Mass General. I was sent to see him as a "second opinion". Basically, my psych doc (pdoc) has no idea what to do with me so he wanted me to see the big dogs - the guys who work only with bipolar patients. The appointment was 2 hours long and started with a thorough health and mental history (hubby was not in the office for most of the visit - only for about 30 min). He had me explain things about my past (my upbringing in an alcoholic home, my abusive ex, my father's death) in way more detail than anyone other than my therapist. He had me explain what my mania and depression were like, going over the big episodes and as many of the little ones as seemed relevant.

This lasted the first hour.

We spent only around 10-15 minutes going over meds - what I'm on currently (which he said is a good combo and he wouldn't change it) and what I've previously taken. My reaction to 2 meds (Latuda and Depakote) is highly unusual.

But we all knew that I was unusual.

And then the meat. Then he got to work. He pointed out that the most recent 2 diagnoses that I have been given (rapid cycling bipolar 2 and rapid cycling bipolar 1 with psychotic features) sent up a red flag. See, rapid cycling - true rapid cycling - is rare. (Rapid cycling is defined as having at least 4 distinct mood episodes in a year - each episode lasting at least 2 weeks). He said I didn't actually fit this criteria (while I've been told by my current pdoc, my new pdoc, my second opinion pdoc in Pueblo, and the docs at the hospital that I am rapid cycling). He said that since my hypomanic and mixed states (except for one in October/November 2013) don't typically last for more than a few days, they can't be considered a major mood episode. Hence, I'm not truly rapid cycling.

He told me that 9/10 times when someone comes to him with a "rapid cycling" diagnosis, something else is going on too.

My something else?

Chronic PTSD.

From my childhood. From being raised in an unpredictable, often unstable home with my mom. From my dad, who was my safety net, my confidant, and my strength, dying so young (he was 43 and died from lung cancer). From being in an abusive relationship. From being an RN (yeah - RNs actually build up chronic PTSD - we see some fucked up shit, y'all).

Dr. Schulman said that people with chronic PTSD react differently than say a war veteran with PTSD or a one time rape victim with PTSD. With the acute PTSD, you think of flashbacks, nightmares, all of that stuff. Not so with chronic. We don't adhere to the typical fight or flight - instead, we freeze. We either become numb, or we overreact emotionally.

Now, think about this. I have bipolar disorder. A mood disorder. Characterized by exaggerated moods. And chronic PTSD, in which I overreact emotionally. Let that sink in. I did.

Dr. Schulman explained that the 2 almost feed off each other and it's hard to tell which is which - which mood change that I have is from the bipolar and which is from the PTSD. He said that in the brief time he'd talked to me he saw only 2 "true" manic episodes (meaning they lasted 2 weeks or longer) - one in college and my one in October/November 2013 (this alone earns me a Bipolar 1 diagnosis). My hypomanic episodes (which can last hours to a day or two) could be bipolar mood shifts or PTSD overreactions. Or both - acting off one another.

So, in other words, it's complicated.

My medications, he explained, do an amazing job at warding off the big bipolar mood swings - the true mania and sometimes major depression - but do nothing for the little swings. Which is why changing medications all the time trying to manage these swings is ineffective (and mimics the unpredictable environment I was raised in, he pointed out, which can trigger more cycling).

We've been doing everything ass backwards it would seem.

So what helps these little swings? Psychotherapy. He said I had a lot of work to do in that area, in going over my past. Which, I know. We've spent so much time in therapy doing damage control and crisis intervention that we haven't spent much time delving into my past. I wouldn't even know where to start.

Now, there's the depressive side to this too, we can't forget that (especially since that's what I struggle with). I've had depression for as long as I can remember - 4th or 5th grade at least. And I always seem to have this underling depression, this black void in me that never goes away. Dr. Schulman believes that I also have Major Depressive Disorder - and that it's difficult to tell which depression is bipolar related, and which is depressive disorder related. So the depression is harder to treat. Most likely the constant underlying depression is depressive disorder and my more acute, suicidal depressions are bipolar related. But there's no way to know for sure.

Listening to all of this just kinda . . . clicked. It made sense to me. It seems very plausible. Dr. Schulman pointed out that some of this was speculation, based on the short amount of time we had to meet and talk, but that that was his professional opinion. Does that mean that this is a set-in-stone diagnosis/treatment plan? No. It most definitely isn't. This is another set of eyes taking a fresh look at my situation. This set of eyes just happens to be from a bipolar specialist. And what he said did make sense to me.

So I'm left with this - my diagnoses:
1. Bipolar 1
2. Major Depressive Disorder
3. Chronic PTSD

And work. I have a lot of work to do now. If Dr. Schulman is correct about my smaller swings, then it's all on me to manage them. And I've been doing a piss poor job at that because it's fucking hard, y'all. My mood swings, whether bipolar, PTSD related, or both, are unpredictable and difficult for me to manage - if it were easy, why the hell would I be going through everything I've been going through?

But hearing this, that all these little swings are most likely up to me to figure out and will probably never go away . . . that's fucking daunting. You kinda hold out hope that the right med combo will make it all better - and that's just not going to happen. He warned me that the weight of this would hit me - and might hit me hard. He even wanted to make sure I was seeing my therapist this week because of this. He told me to warn my hubby about it.

As I write this, I feel mostly numb. Mostly. Given the right trigger, I'd break down sobbing. I am so grateful that I had the opportunity to see Dr. Schulman. His opinion is by far the most different from any that I've received, but also the most comprehensive - it seems to take in the whole picture, whereas others are just about the meds.

At any rate, I have more of something that I've been lacking for awhile now. . .

Hope.

WTF, Thursday?

Thursday: Baahahahahahahaaaaaa!! What are emotions?! Let's have all the emotions today!! Then Thursday fist bumped the air.
Because Thursday is an asshole.
Today has been stupidly weird. And I mean that in the best and worse way. I've had a whole slew of emotions today - both good and bad. From being happy and upbeat this morning, to melancholy, to angry, to flat, and back to melancholy. And then just tired.
I coped in a bad way today - I smoked. See, I used to smoke back in the day (which was a Wednesday - trust me, you won't get the reference). But I gave it up when my dad was diagnosed with lung cancer. Sometimes, when I'm really stressed, I crave a cigarette. And today I was at my mom's to check on her cat. And she smokes. And I lit one up and it was like an old friend you haven't seen in ages. Each drag calmed me. I took an extra home with me and smoked it after I got home from the gym. Again, it was divine. Tomorrow, I'll probably buy a pack. I figure an occasional smoke is better than the alternatives I've been tempted to do lately (cut, or take pills with alcohol to pass out).
And again, I think all of this has to do with dealing with everything from my past. All the pain and anger hitting at once . . . .I guess it might be affecting me more than I let on. But I'm writing, working out, talking. I'm healing.
Maybe I just need a cigarette every now and then until this is complete.

Well Hello There Wednesday . . .

How did you sneak up on me so fast?
The last few days have been . . .weird. An almost constant state of low level anxiety. Heart pounding, racing, hands shaking, adrenalin pumping, on alert, fear, worry. Constantly. Why? What's different? What's the cause?
Who knows, really. I have some ideas. There's dry and musty old bones laying around, waiting to picked up again. I'm stepping over them slowly, gently, delicately. I can't crush them. Not yet. Soon. . . but not yet. Though they are crumbling under their own weight . . .
Why do I even try to wax poetic? Meh.
I'm opening up more about my past, my rape. Treading lightly, but getting it out there. It's getting easier to talk about. The pain is still there, but the sting isn't as bad anymore. I also brought up another sore point with M today. Again, something I kept secret about my rapist - the sexual and physical abuse. I've told people about the control before. About the emotional and verbal abuse. But I always kept quiet about the other . . .worse abuse. But I talked candidly. M pointed out how what was done to me was cruel and wrong and horrible. Unforgivable. I know this, of course. But hearing it from someone else, from my therapist, a man whom I respect deeply, who I trust wholly and implicitly. . .made all the difference in the world.
And do you know what I realized? Yes, what happened to me sucked. It was horrible in so many ways and no one should EVER have to go through that. But I'm stronger for it. It helped shape me into who I am today: a smart, vibrant woman. A force to be reckoned with. I'm a wonderful wife and mother, a loyal and caring friend, a skilled and empathetic nurse. Or, as some have pointed out, a comedian. I am these things in spite of and because of what I experienced.
 My past can be seen as tragic and sad, a hindrance on my mental well being. Or, as I like to view it, it can be seen as empowering.  This ass waffle stripped me of my dignity and self worth and shamed me. Sadly for him though, I have the last laugh. Because despite everything, despite the hiccups with my bipolar disorder, I'm thriving.
Thriving.
As I continue to work with M through all this, and as I open up to my trusted friends and my hubby, the fresh pain will subside. It's already become more dull and I imagine it will continue to let up. And then these bones, these musty, putrid bones, will finally be crushed - dug up from the past and crushed into nothingness.