Christmas day

I just reread my post from yesterday and, surprisingly, it kinda makes sense. Kinda. Holy crap was I pissed at church.

This morning we went to my mom's house for breakfast and presents. It was lovely. My mom makes some kickass breakfast casserole and she's not drunk in the mornings so that's an added bonus. It was fine. It was good.

Then we went to Denver to J's aunt's house. Which was fine, but not as fine. See, there's a lot of people there. Like, 15-20. And there's noise. And apparently Clancy can't handle that much stimulation anymore.

It didn't take long before I felt overwhelmed. Trapped almost. Unable to cope. Effectively at least. I was a little withdrawn. As time went on I became irritable. I was shouting at family members in my mind. Yelling at them for their (seemingly to me) stupid comments. It was like church all over again. I became more withdrawn because I didn't want to inadvertently say what I was thinking.

About an hour before we left my mind started racing. Images, thoughts . . . all melded together, coming and leaving almost too quickly to be registered. The racing thoughts continued the whole way home. Even when I plugged in my iPod and sung along, which usually helps, the thoughts and images still came.

At home they reached a fever pitch. My mind was going so fast I couldn't hold on to a single thought. I tried writing in my mood journal and it came out as one long, nearly illegible, run on sentence. I was almost in tears my brain was so frantic. It's a horrible feeling not being in control of your thoughts. Not being able to slow them down enough to get a sentence out. Being confused with all of the images flashing through your mind, completely unrelated to one another and anything you're thinking.

I had J bring me my electronic cigarette. I did deep breathing. I ate so I could take my Geodon. I talked with J a little and texted my best friend L.

My mind is slowing which is why I'm able to type this. Not enough that I can write eloquently - it's still going fast - but at least I'm getting something out.

Yesterday and today made me realize something - I can't handle too much stimulation. It's like my brain short circuits. Too much input and it goes into overdrive and I can't cope. And when you sit back and say, well, I'm still in a mixed episode and this is to be expected, it doesn't seem too bad. But what I worry about is what if it's not entirely from the mixed episode? What if I continue to have issues like this? Issues with stress or crowds or too much visual stimulation? What then?

Only time will tell. I'm trying not to think too much on this, lest I drive myself crazy. Well, more crazy. I'm hoping, obviously, that this is the mixed episode and as I get to the therapeutic dose of Geodon it'll get better.

Because if not, I'm screwed.

And not the good kind of screwed. The screwed kind of screwed.

That doesn't even make sense.

WTF, Thursday?

Thursday: Baahahahahahahaaaaaa!! What are emotions?! Let's have all the emotions today!! Then Thursday fist bumped the air.
Because Thursday is an asshole.
Today has been stupidly weird. And I mean that in the best and worse way. I've had a whole slew of emotions today - both good and bad. From being happy and upbeat this morning, to melancholy, to angry, to flat, and back to melancholy. And then just tired.
I coped in a bad way today - I smoked. See, I used to smoke back in the day (which was a Wednesday - trust me, you won't get the reference). But I gave it up when my dad was diagnosed with lung cancer. Sometimes, when I'm really stressed, I crave a cigarette. And today I was at my mom's to check on her cat. And she smokes. And I lit one up and it was like an old friend you haven't seen in ages. Each drag calmed me. I took an extra home with me and smoked it after I got home from the gym. Again, it was divine. Tomorrow, I'll probably buy a pack. I figure an occasional smoke is better than the alternatives I've been tempted to do lately (cut, or take pills with alcohol to pass out).
And again, I think all of this has to do with dealing with everything from my past. All the pain and anger hitting at once . . . .I guess it might be affecting me more than I let on. But I'm writing, working out, talking. I'm healing.
Maybe I just need a cigarette every now and then until this is complete.