Odd . . .

I feel very strange today. My mood is kinda . . . down. But not really. It is at times, other times fine, other times just . . . off. I'm not quite sure.

I had a profound wave of sadness wash over me while I was taking my meds this morning. I have no idea why. It passed relatively quickly and I tried not to overanalyze it (one of my favorite things to do). But it made no sense to me.

Later, I started thinking about a couple of friends who are having marital problems (possibly serious). And I got to thinking about my marriage and how lucky I am to have the hubby I do.

See, I'm kind of a terrible wife. I have been the main stressor in my family over the last 2 years. I have been needy, time consuming, worrisome, explosive, angry, unpredictable, ungrateful, and a host of other equally not good adjectives. Yes, I've been sick with the worst mood episode of my life, but that doesn't excuse the above mentioned adjectives (at least in my mind. Because I'm ACOA and need to be perfect. Even though I'm clearly not).

I've spent so much time depressed and angry and withdrawn, barely participating in life. I've been self-absorbed and selfish, constantly putting myself before my family (the opposite of what I did growing up). I've been stand-offish and unloveable.

I don't know how my husband hasn't left me. I literally don't comprehend it. He says because he loves me and that's what people do. But let's be honest - I've been crap. I think anyone else would have left. But he's patient, loving, and kind. He's there to listen to me vent, to hold me when I cry, to leave me when I need space. He offers advice even when I don't want to hear it and encouragement when I think I can't go on. He puts up with my anger and outbursts and makes me laugh instead. He does all this without protest.

He is my hero, and I hope he knows that.