Some Frustration

Well. It's been almost a full month since I posted anything. It's not that I haven't had anything to write about, it's just that I haven't published it.

I've been very frustrated lately. See, I'm in a low grade depression. Chock full of apathy, negative thoughts, exhaustion, and feeling like I want to die - or at least not exist - because everything seems pointless. I often don't want to be around people or interact with them. I kinda don't want to be touched at times. I often want to sleep so that I don't have to deal with how I'm feeling.

I hate this.

I was triggered 2 weeks ago by something I read in one of my Al-Anon daily readers. It was about forgiveness. And it made me realize that I haven't forgiven my mom for her drinking. And that I can't separate her from the disease of alcoholism. I can't see her for the person she is. Anytime I come close, my walls shoot up. And they're tall, thick, and covered in barbed wire.

This trigger happened on Friday the 17th. Saturday the 18th I talked about it in Al-Anon. The following Wednesday (last Wednesday) I talked about it in therapy and then with hubby that night. I started grieving the relationship that I will never have with my mom. This, I think, is the first step in forgiving her and forming some kind of relationship (I hadn't spoken to her in over 3 months).

I then called her last Saturday and we talked for 30 minutes. It went well - better than I thought - and I decided that we can talk, but only on my terms. I'll have to wait and see how this goes.

But what's frustrating is this damn depression. I'm stable for fuck's sake!!! I shouldn't have to deal with this!!

Except that this is part of having bipolar disorder.

I can be triggered and go into a mood episode. Since I'm stable, this depressive episode isn't as bad as it could be. Which I should be thankful for. And I am. But I'm still fighting against how I think I should feel being stable (which is no swings, happy all the time, cheerful, energetic, possibly slightly hypomanic - this is unrealistic, I know, but it's my ideal), and how I actually feel.

My "should" is very unrealistic. I was starting to accept that. Starting to accept that I'll have mini swings (that are more extreme than the "normal" range of emotions). Starting to accept that my mood can still change at the drop of a hat and that I will never truly know what my mood will be like at any given moment. I was starting to accept that.

But then this depression happened, and it has hung around for 2 weeks, and everything that I was starting to accept goes out the window.

So I'm frustrated. I'm reminding myself daily that this is part of bipolar disorder, that I'm still way better than I have been, and that eventually it will pass. I'm doing all of the correct, positive things that I should be doing and that I've learned how to do in therapy. I'm trying to dig myself out of this hole. And I will. I know I will. Or at least I keep telling myself that.

Ugh. Stupid depressive feels.

It's been a bit . . .

So it's been almost 2 weeks since my last post. I haven't much felt like writing.

But I do today.

I've been on the Brintellix for around 3 weeks now. My anxiety had started to get bad 2 weeks ago and I was worried that it would get as bad as it was the last time I was on it. I've noticed, however, that over the last week the anxiety has lessened. It's there every once in awhile, but it's manageable and not terribly bothersome.

And that's good news, right?

Sad thing? The Brintellix isn't really helping my mood. Not like it did the last time I was on it. I've had one good day (last Sunday) - a day where I felt "normal", happy, and content with life. I was at work, it was busy, and I had fun. But every other day? Just like before going back on Brintellix.

What do those days look like?

An overall feeling of being "down". I'm withdrawn. I don't want to participate in life. I'd rather nap the day away so I don't have to feel what I'm feeling. And what I'm feeling is all muted - except for my anger. I'm quick to anger. Everything seems to irritate or annoy me. I want to be by myself - I don't want to interact with anyone - family included.

I'm doing what I can to counter these feelings - don't think I'm giving up, or giving in. I'm not. I'm forcing myself to be more positive and upbeat (I don't know how well that's working - I should ask friends and family about that). I'm not doing the negative things I used to do (catastrophizing, all or nothing thinking, shit like that). I'm trying my best to be mindful - to stay in the moment. I'm forcing myself to interact.

Here's the thing - I'm stable. I'm the most stable I've been in 3 years. I'm not having big swings. I'm not hypomanic, I'm not horribly depressed. Nope. Stable. And that's good. The last thing I need is to have a major swing and be hospitalized again. But this low level depression? I think that's my baseline. I think that I'm stuck here and that's just how it's going to be. I'll have a good day here and there and all the others I'm going to have to fight for. I really don't want to accept this, but I don't think I have any other choice.

But wait - there's more!

I've been trying hard to be more "present" at home, around hubby and son. I had been getting bad about ignoring them, taking them for granted, lashing out at them. And I've been trying to be better about it. I don't know how well I'm doing in that regard. Sadly, I've felt myself starting to slip again. Feeling myself starting to withdraw more. Wanting to be alone and to be left alone. I'm trying to ignore/counter this as it's not good for anyone. I feel my anger sneaking back in. Ugh.

And also? Seroquel. FUCK Seroquel. I've had issues with drowsiness/grogginess/somnolence since I started it. I've had issues with my appetite since starting it (I've gained 17 pounds in around 13 weeks). And those two issues are getting progressively worse. It takes me around an hour to wake up in the morning and by midday I'm groggy and a little zombie like. The other thing, which has cropped up recently, is doing things in the middle of the night and not remembering them. The other night I kinda "woke up" standing in the closet with the light on - I have absolutely no recollection of getting up and walking into the closet. I don't remember waking up to go to the bathroom. If I tell hubby something after I've gone to sleep, I don't remember it. Now, maybe that part is only mildly annoying, but I would prefer for it not to get worse.

I see my psychiatrist in 2 weeks and I'm going to request that I go off of Seroquel. I'll start back up on the Geodon, whatever, I don't care. I didn't like the side effects of Geodon but they are preferable to the side effects of Seroquel. I have samples of 150mg Seroquel (I'm currently taking 300mg), so in a few days I'm going to drop my dose down - start to wean myself off. It's not like I felt a difference from when I was on 50mg vs 300mg.

So yeah. That's it. I'm frustrated. But what else is new, right?