It's been a bit . . .

So it's been almost 2 weeks since my last post. I haven't much felt like writing.

But I do today.

I've been on the Brintellix for around 3 weeks now. My anxiety had started to get bad 2 weeks ago and I was worried that it would get as bad as it was the last time I was on it. I've noticed, however, that over the last week the anxiety has lessened. It's there every once in awhile, but it's manageable and not terribly bothersome.

And that's good news, right?

Sad thing? The Brintellix isn't really helping my mood. Not like it did the last time I was on it. I've had one good day (last Sunday) - a day where I felt "normal", happy, and content with life. I was at work, it was busy, and I had fun. But every other day? Just like before going back on Brintellix.

What do those days look like?

An overall feeling of being "down". I'm withdrawn. I don't want to participate in life. I'd rather nap the day away so I don't have to feel what I'm feeling. And what I'm feeling is all muted - except for my anger. I'm quick to anger. Everything seems to irritate or annoy me. I want to be by myself - I don't want to interact with anyone - family included.

I'm doing what I can to counter these feelings - don't think I'm giving up, or giving in. I'm not. I'm forcing myself to be more positive and upbeat (I don't know how well that's working - I should ask friends and family about that). I'm not doing the negative things I used to do (catastrophizing, all or nothing thinking, shit like that). I'm trying my best to be mindful - to stay in the moment. I'm forcing myself to interact.

Here's the thing - I'm stable. I'm the most stable I've been in 3 years. I'm not having big swings. I'm not hypomanic, I'm not horribly depressed. Nope. Stable. And that's good. The last thing I need is to have a major swing and be hospitalized again. But this low level depression? I think that's my baseline. I think that I'm stuck here and that's just how it's going to be. I'll have a good day here and there and all the others I'm going to have to fight for. I really don't want to accept this, but I don't think I have any other choice.

But wait - there's more!

I've been trying hard to be more "present" at home, around hubby and son. I had been getting bad about ignoring them, taking them for granted, lashing out at them. And I've been trying to be better about it. I don't know how well I'm doing in that regard. Sadly, I've felt myself starting to slip again. Feeling myself starting to withdraw more. Wanting to be alone and to be left alone. I'm trying to ignore/counter this as it's not good for anyone. I feel my anger sneaking back in. Ugh.

And also? Seroquel. FUCK Seroquel. I've had issues with drowsiness/grogginess/somnolence since I started it. I've had issues with my appetite since starting it (I've gained 17 pounds in around 13 weeks). And those two issues are getting progressively worse. It takes me around an hour to wake up in the morning and by midday I'm groggy and a little zombie like. The other thing, which has cropped up recently, is doing things in the middle of the night and not remembering them. The other night I kinda "woke up" standing in the closet with the light on - I have absolutely no recollection of getting up and walking into the closet. I don't remember waking up to go to the bathroom. If I tell hubby something after I've gone to sleep, I don't remember it. Now, maybe that part is only mildly annoying, but I would prefer for it not to get worse.

I see my psychiatrist in 2 weeks and I'm going to request that I go off of Seroquel. I'll start back up on the Geodon, whatever, I don't care. I didn't like the side effects of Geodon but they are preferable to the side effects of Seroquel. I have samples of 150mg Seroquel (I'm currently taking 300mg), so in a few days I'm going to drop my dose down - start to wean myself off. It's not like I felt a difference from when I was on 50mg vs 300mg.

So yeah. That's it. I'm frustrated. But what else is new, right?