Well fuck . . .

So here's the scoop. My depression is kicking my ass. For reals. This past weekend was particularly bad - lots of crying, wanting to die, suicidal ideation. It was not pretty. Yesterday I spent the whole day alternating between reading and sleeping. Two ways to escape how crappy I was feeling. Today has been better - thank God.

All this got me thinking. About a lot of things. Where to start . . .

I'm not taking my Brintellix anymore (antidepressant). I've been on it for like 14 weeks now? Something like that. And the past 5 weeks I've been in a depression. I've been depressed despite my fancy antidepressant. So I stopped it. Might as well save myself $60 a month if I'm going to be depressed on it. I stopped it cold turkey and have noticed no ill effects.

But I still have this damn lingering depression. I see my pdoc tomorrow and I'm faced with a decision: do I start a different antidepressant? Or not? It's this decision that's had me thinking.

The past 3 years have been a struggle for me. No one would argue that, and if you read this blog you know this. The past 3 years I have fought against my diagnosis, never really accepting it. I've tried many different medications trying to "control" this illness and my moods, certain that once I had the right combo I'd be happy and never have to face my violent mood swings anymore.

Well that's not how bipolar disorder works. That's not how the medications work.

The medications are designed to manage the major mood swings. True mania, and, to a lesser extent, major depression (medications sadly don't do that well with bipolar depression). My combo of lithium, Lamictal, and Seroquel are doing what they're supposed to be doing - managing the huge swings. My hypomania has been virtually nonexistent since my hospitalization for it last November. The bipolar expert agreed that this was an excellent combo.

But then depression rears its ugly head. And these meds let it happen. So I try Brintellix. It starts to work, amazingly, it starts to work. But it caused crippling anxiety and I had to stop it. After a time, the depression came back. I had since switched from geodon to Seroquel so we went ahead and tried the Brintellix again. Guess what? I didn't have the same results that I did the first time. I didn't really get the anxiety, but I also didn't really get any benefit.

And so I stopped it. Four days ago.

My depression persists. So, do I ask my pdoc tomorrow about trying a different antidepressant? Part of me says YES! Try something! Maybe this will be the med that gets rid of your depression!!

Or maybe, like every antidepressant I've tried (6 of them), it won't make any real difference. Maybe I'm still in denial of my illness and I'm still convinced that it's more meds I need (even when I state, often, how I don't want to be on more meds). Maybe I'm still holding out hope that I'll reach that place of always being happy and never having to worry about my illness if I just have the right meds . . .

Like I stated in my last post, this is not how bipolar disorder works. I can be on all the meds and still cycle. That is the nature of the beast. This recent depression while on Brintellix proves it.

Part of me doesn't want to accept this.

I want it to be easy. Change a med, you're all good.

That's not how this shit works. Accept that.

I have to learn to accept that some days I might wake up suicidal for no apparent reason. Or that I may wake up feeling okay and stable and even. Or that maybe the hypomania will decide to come back. And that even though my meds manage most of the big swings, they don't manage all of them.

This illness is managed, not controlled.

I've been trying to remind myself of this - often. I'm trying to be mindful and stay in the present - not worrying over yesterday or how I may feel tomorrow. I mean come on - Sunday I was suicidal, yesterday apathetic, and today I'm okay. If that doesn't show you how quickly my moods can cycle, while on meds . . . (fun fact: my moods can cycle that quickly in hours).

So then what have I decided about seeing my pdoc? I'm not going to go on another antidepressant. I'm going to try managing without one. I don't have a good track record with them anyway. I'm going to do what I can to manage my illness on a day to day basis. Doing everything I've learned in therapy, exercising, eating well, and taking my other meds as prescribed (even though now and then I want to stop them all).

Bottom line, I have to accept my illness and work with it to truly manage it and thrive. I can't keep doing what I've been doing and expect different outcomes. I need to keep my head out of my ass. Besides, how can I help others with mental illness if I can't help myself?

Spoiler alert: I'm planning on switching to psychiatric nursing and going back to school to get my NP in psychiatry. More on that later.

Still feeling depressed

Yep. I'm still having depressive feels. Last Sunday was particularly bad and I broke down sobbing uncontrollably.

I've had a few "good" days this week ("good" meaning that I wasn't "badly" depressed - maybe just meh, or down). I've been trying to keep everything in perspective and we reiterated that in therapy this week.

Frustrated though.

Every day, even my "good" days, I struggle against my thoughts. Every day I constantly feel like I don't want to exist. That I want to curl in a ball and not exist. Every day I have these feelings and every day I fight these feelings.

Even though I'm stable, I still struggle daily.

This is the part of bipolar most people don't know about. The majority of people think that it's all about full blown mania or full blown depression. It's not. The extremes are, of course, the most notable and obvious. But most people with bipolar disorder don't spend most of their time in the extremes. We spend our time in mild depression or hypomania or mixed. And even when we're stable our moods can change suddenly, for apparently no reason. We may struggle with suicidal ideation even when we aren't in an episode. We may become so used to our extremes that anything other than that feels like apathy, like we have no emotions.

I'm not really sure where this is going. I'm just frustrated I guess. Tired of my underlying feels.