No seriously though. Is that maybe what's going on? I don't know how to not be depressed?
It's Wednesday. I had ECT on Monday and I don't have my next treatment until next Monday. Dr. M wants to try once a week. He's worried that 3 times a week might be a bit too much for me - what could be throwing me into a mixed episode. I don't know. We'll see.
Today I feel a little depressed. More than a little, I guess. I want to cut. Yesterday and today both. I don't really know why. I know it won't help anything . . . but I still want to.
I don't know what that's about.
But it's annoying.
I don't know how to qualify or quantify how I'm feeling. Because I'm better. Overall, I'm better. I'm not suicidal. I don't want to die - and that's huge.
I just don't know exactly what to do? I don't know. I don't. Know.
I want to feel content. Happy. I don't want to have to struggle for my feelings.
. . . . ugh. I feel like I have so much more to write, but I have nothing coming out.
I guess I'll just have to see how I do over the next week. I'm going back to work on Saturday.
Hi! I am sorry to read you are struggling. And I hope ECT works for you. I have never tried it. Like you, I am bipolar 2 and also like you, depression seems to be the basic state for me--it is hard to feel uplifted and contented without being hypomanic. But I'm working on it with the help of my doctor and my family. I am a writer, a wife and a mother and I sometimes blog about writing and bipolar disorder here: http://writinghighsandlows.wordpress.com. Maybe you'll visit sometime. In the meantime, I hope you feel better very soon. Best--Penelope K.
ReplyDelete