Thursday, August 13, 2015

Showing Some Improvement

These past few weeks, overall, have been the best weeks I've had in a long while. My mood, overall, has been less depressed, less full of hopelessness and despair, and less full of bitter rage. That's not to say I'm not having these feelings - because I am - but they're not as intense and aren't lasting for as long.

So what's changed? What's different? In a word: I don't know.

I really don't know. I have some ideas, sure, but they're just ideas I have happened to pull out of my ass. Me acting like a psychiatrist, tossing theories around.

First off, have you heard of the Spoon Theory?  If not, go read it. Seriously. Please. Taking the 2-3 minutes it takes to read it will be so much more beneficial to you than having me try to explain it. So please - go read it. Here's the link again, just for fun: HOLY FUCK I'M A LINK!

Alright. You back? Good. How was it? Pretty fucking awesome, right?

So. One thing I've decided to do is to apply the spoon theory to my life. Because bipolar disorder? Chronic fucking illness. It's a chronic fucking illness that takes a lot out of me. Every day. Some days worse than others. And I've discovered that I really can't do it all, and that the more that I try to, the more miserable I am.

But there's more than that. See, I grew up in an alcoholic home and a bi-product of that is this pesky sense of perfectionism I have. Everything has to be perfect. Has to be. This makes me miserable because nothing is ever good enough. There are too many shoulds. So what to do about that? Accept that I am not, nor will I ever be perfect. I can fuck up and that's okay.

My therapist has been telling me this for, well, almost four fucking years. Yeah. Four fucking YEARS. I'm stubborn. And maybe a bit stupid :P Listen, you dumb bitch! (I call myself "dumb bitch" lovingly).

Then about 3 weeks ago, at not my most recent ECT treatment (3 days ago), but the one before that, Dr. M kinda went off on me. And by "kinda went off" I mean he yelled at me. He told me to relax, calm down, and trust the process. That this wasn't perfect, I wasn't perfect, and that it takes time. And to also "stop cutting my fucking arm". Yes, he cussed. One reason I like him.

So I decided to try just that - relaxing. Giving in. Not being perfect (or trying desperately to be). In order to do this I had to do something big. I had to accept - really, truly accept - that I have a chronic illness that needs to be monitored/maintained daily, every day, and that sometimes I need help.

This is not easy for my stubborn, prideful self, but I'm working on it.

See, monitoring my illness isn't that much different as someone with diabetes monitoring theirs. Whereas they count carbs, watch their diet, check their blood sugar levels and take insulin, I have my own things I need to monitor:

I monitor my mood, sleep, surroundings (is it crowded, noisy, close exits, bright or flashing lights . . .), temperature (too hot = instant bitch), sounds, who is around me . . . and countless other things.

I'm slowly learning to recognize some of my triggers. And in recognizing my triggers I can better manage them, so they don't have as huge (or catastrophic) effect on me. Sometimes this means simply resetting myself. Other times, it means removing myself from a situation (nurses station getting too loud? I get up and leave. Go on a walk, go to the break room, whatever, just get away from the voices). Maybe it means not going out (I skipped a bike ride with my hubby and son because I simply didn't have it in me to go - I had no spoons left that day).

And in doing all of this (along with the ECT working) I'm feeling better. Finally feeling better. But this is hard, y'all. Doing all of this is fucking hard. It's tiring and it takes focus. It is, however, worth it.

I'm hoping that over time I won't have to work so hard, that things will get easier. Right now, I'm calling this a victory. And I finally have hope.

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