Annoying

Another one of those "down" writings I guess. I'm frustrated and depressed today. And I came to realize something: I don't even know how I'm suppossed to feel. I don't know what my baseline is. Maybe being down and meloncholy IS my new baseline. Who knows. What I DO know is that this is getting old.
Yesterday was actually an alright day. I went to the gym in the morning, watered all the plants in the yard, cleaned the bathrooms, did the dishes, did laundry, painted, and talking with my grandparents and step mom on the phone. I was contantly busy and I was okay. I was busy in the evening too with my hubby and son and then went to bed only slightly early. A pretty good day.
Today . . .well, today is a different story. I'm at work and I have down time. I've found that if I'm not constantly busy, the thoughts and feelings take over. The feeling of drowning in my own emptiness, becoming lost in the abyss. My mind ruminates over the feelings over and over again and doesn't drop it no matter what I do. My only saving grace is staying constantly busy. But sometimes, there's nothing to do. Both at work and at home. And then my saving grace becomes sleep. Becase at least with sleep, I don't feel or think.
I feel like I'm writing the same thing day in and day out. Nothing changes. Nothing gets better. I'm tempted to stop all my meds just to see what would happen but that's unsafe. And stupid. Instead I write and try to busy myself with whatever I can and hope I can make it until bedtime.
I feel like crying right now. Thought I'd throw that out there. Sitting here at work, in the cubby away from everyone, typing and holding back the tears. What a way to live. Feeling like crap FOR NO REASON. Except for my fucked up brain chemistry that I can't get control of. I can't manage it. I'm tired of the mood swings. I'm tired of feeling like this. I'm tired of drowning.
By the way, no, I'm not suicidal.