Hellooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

I've noticed that when I'm feeling better I don't feel like writing. Seems to be the trend. And I have been feeling better. Quite a bit better, actually.

 

So what changed?

 

Mainly my attitude. I've become, as my friends call me, a hippie. Let's set the record straight - I'm not a hippie! Yes, I'm doing acupuncture and I meditate. Yes, I'm practicing mindfulness. Yes, I'm eating more "clean" and have gone gluten free and have started juicing and making my own peanut butter, but that hardly classifies me as a hippie!

 

All of this, coupled with my weekly therapy sessions and equine therapy session have made a world of difference in how I feel and how I'm able to manage negative thoughts/feelings/tendencies. Which is fantastic!!

 

And I'm sure part of it had to do with the fact I was started on Cymbalta while I was in the hospital. It seems to have helped quite a bit. Which brings me to my next bit of fun - I've stopped taking Cymbalta. I had discussed it previously with Dr. C because of some unpleasant side effects - namely a physical inability to orgasm. That's a deal breaker in my book.

 

So with his blessing I weaned off of the Cymbalta. Today is day 17 off of the Cymbalta and, low and behold, I can orgasm!!! HOWEVER, I'm apparently moving into a mixed episode.

 

Joy.

 

I noticed after a week that some of the feelings of hopelessness and depression were coming back. Strong. And it's harder for me to stop them now than when I was on the Cymbalta. Hyperirritability, racing thoughts, pressured speech, insomnia, and this burning and almost uncontrolable desire to say inappropriate things. Fantastic.

 

So I saw Dr. C last night, thinking maybe we should start a different antidepressant and he said no. Not now. Absolutely not. He's worried I'll go full manic. So we're going to play the game of wait and see for 2-3 weeks. He did give me a prescription for risperdil, in case I get too manic - I can knock myself down.

 

Now, normally this would really frustrate me and freak me out and I would overreact and catastrophize it. And I'm not doing that. I won't do that. Period. Don't get me wrong - this is very frustrating. I was getting very stable with the Cymbalta, then I stop it and go mixed. I know some have said that I should have stayed on it. And I understand their point of view. Stability is important! But I also need to have a sex life. Not just for me, but for my hubby as well. No sex, no orgasms, makes for an unhappy couple.

 

So now it's wait and see. Wait and see. Basically all I do. I'll try and update more often. I've been bad about it.

 

Also? Bacon

Bollocks

It's been awhile since I've written. And that's been for several reasons. Time, motivation . . . but the main reason is because I don't want to be "complaining" all the time. I'm continuing to have more and more "difficult" days, which is tiring and taxing.

 

Most days I feel flat and withdrawn. Sometimes a little down, but mostly withdrawn. But that "downness", that depression, is coming back. And it seems to get a little worse each day.

 

And see, I don't want to write about this or complain about it or dwell on it because I want it to go away. And I'm hoping by experiencing and then ignoring it that will happen. I'm trying to stay positive, I'm trying to be mindful. I'm trying not to fret or worry or read too much into this. I'm trying to take this as a minor setback, as part of the adjustment to my meds and to my thyroid meds being changed. I'm trying to find an external source of the "downness", the reason for the seemingly sudden change in mood.

 

As of yet, I can find nothing. As of yet, the feelings grow. And it's all together frustrating and maddening and I'm so fucking DONE with this shit.

 

And I have no idea what to do. No idea anymore. Seeing M helps. Working with Chance helps. Acupuncture helps. But it's fleeting help. I try to hang on to the benefits as long as I can because I need to. But it seems that no matter what I do, it changes nothing. I come back to square one.

 

I'm thinking of doing a 2 week gluten-free trial to see if it helps anything. I'm thinking of doing a strict detox diet. I'm thinking of growing my hair out or shaving it all off or dyeing it purple or taking up karate or yoga or skydiving or anything that will stop everything that's goin on. I'm thinking of stopping all of my meds. Just stopping, cold turkey. Let's see what happens.

 

I'm thinking of all of these things and I'm thinking of nothing. I release all of those thoughts and I meditate and I try to remain mindful and I pray. Oh God do I pray. For strength. For insight. For patience. For understanding. And for mercy.

 

And through all of this I still struggle. Through all of this I'm having more bad days than good. And I don't know why, and I don't know what to do.

 

And it's frustrating.