Hellooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

I've noticed that when I'm feeling better I don't feel like writing. Seems to be the trend. And I have been feeling better. Quite a bit better, actually.

 

So what changed?

 

Mainly my attitude. I've become, as my friends call me, a hippie. Let's set the record straight - I'm not a hippie! Yes, I'm doing acupuncture and I meditate. Yes, I'm practicing mindfulness. Yes, I'm eating more "clean" and have gone gluten free and have started juicing and making my own peanut butter, but that hardly classifies me as a hippie!

 

All of this, coupled with my weekly therapy sessions and equine therapy session have made a world of difference in how I feel and how I'm able to manage negative thoughts/feelings/tendencies. Which is fantastic!!

 

And I'm sure part of it had to do with the fact I was started on Cymbalta while I was in the hospital. It seems to have helped quite a bit. Which brings me to my next bit of fun - I've stopped taking Cymbalta. I had discussed it previously with Dr. C because of some unpleasant side effects - namely a physical inability to orgasm. That's a deal breaker in my book.

 

So with his blessing I weaned off of the Cymbalta. Today is day 17 off of the Cymbalta and, low and behold, I can orgasm!!! HOWEVER, I'm apparently moving into a mixed episode.

 

Joy.

 

I noticed after a week that some of the feelings of hopelessness and depression were coming back. Strong. And it's harder for me to stop them now than when I was on the Cymbalta. Hyperirritability, racing thoughts, pressured speech, insomnia, and this burning and almost uncontrolable desire to say inappropriate things. Fantastic.

 

So I saw Dr. C last night, thinking maybe we should start a different antidepressant and he said no. Not now. Absolutely not. He's worried I'll go full manic. So we're going to play the game of wait and see for 2-3 weeks. He did give me a prescription for risperdil, in case I get too manic - I can knock myself down.

 

Now, normally this would really frustrate me and freak me out and I would overreact and catastrophize it. And I'm not doing that. I won't do that. Period. Don't get me wrong - this is very frustrating. I was getting very stable with the Cymbalta, then I stop it and go mixed. I know some have said that I should have stayed on it. And I understand their point of view. Stability is important! But I also need to have a sex life. Not just for me, but for my hubby as well. No sex, no orgasms, makes for an unhappy couple.

 

So now it's wait and see. Wait and see. Basically all I do. I'll try and update more often. I've been bad about it.

 

Also? Bacon