Bollocks

It's been awhile since I've written. And that's been for several reasons. Time, motivation . . . but the main reason is because I don't want to be "complaining" all the time. I'm continuing to have more and more "difficult" days, which is tiring and taxing.

 

Most days I feel flat and withdrawn. Sometimes a little down, but mostly withdrawn. But that "downness", that depression, is coming back. And it seems to get a little worse each day.

 

And see, I don't want to write about this or complain about it or dwell on it because I want it to go away. And I'm hoping by experiencing and then ignoring it that will happen. I'm trying to stay positive, I'm trying to be mindful. I'm trying not to fret or worry or read too much into this. I'm trying to take this as a minor setback, as part of the adjustment to my meds and to my thyroid meds being changed. I'm trying to find an external source of the "downness", the reason for the seemingly sudden change in mood.

 

As of yet, I can find nothing. As of yet, the feelings grow. And it's all together frustrating and maddening and I'm so fucking DONE with this shit.

 

And I have no idea what to do. No idea anymore. Seeing M helps. Working with Chance helps. Acupuncture helps. But it's fleeting help. I try to hang on to the benefits as long as I can because I need to. But it seems that no matter what I do, it changes nothing. I come back to square one.

 

I'm thinking of doing a 2 week gluten-free trial to see if it helps anything. I'm thinking of doing a strict detox diet. I'm thinking of growing my hair out or shaving it all off or dyeing it purple or taking up karate or yoga or skydiving or anything that will stop everything that's goin on. I'm thinking of stopping all of my meds. Just stopping, cold turkey. Let's see what happens.

 

I'm thinking of all of these things and I'm thinking of nothing. I release all of those thoughts and I meditate and I try to remain mindful and I pray. Oh God do I pray. For strength. For insight. For patience. For understanding. And for mercy.

 

And through all of this I still struggle. Through all of this I'm having more bad days than good. And I don't know why, and I don't know what to do.

 

And it's frustrating.