It's been a while since I last wrote, and quite a bit has happened. A lot has happened. And I'm still trying to process it all. I don't know how much will come out in this post, I have no idea.
We'll start by saying that I had some more crappy days. Followed by a few good ones. And then some crappy again. Two weeks ago in therapy I was bad. I was low. M suggested hospitalization again and I said no. He told me he was at a loss. He didn't know what to do at that moment. Stay present? Dig deeper? That day all he could do was support me. That was a Thursday.
And Friday happened and I was a little better. And then weekend I was pretty good. Hubby, son and I worked with mini horses for a few hours, grooming, picking hooves, laughing. Sunday hubby and I spent the day touring the parade of homes (an annual event where different homes are showcased - usually expensive fancy ones that are neat to look at because shit - I'll never live in a home like that). It was fun and I felt good. I felt good.
That feeling continued. And I made a decision. A tough one. I decided to face the root of my problem. Something I've avoided and denied and buried. But something that finally needed to be addressed.
I don't want to get better.
You read that right. I don't want to get better. Which sounds stupid and counter intuitive. And here's the kicker: I actually DO want to get better!! I'm tired of feeling like shit all the time. I'm tired of how I act around and treat my family. I'm tired of everything I've gone through and yet . . .
See, when I'm depressed, it's much easier to stay there than to fight - because fighting is exhausting. And I've been depressed literally most of my life. It's almost my natural state. It's what I'm used to - it's comfortable. It's familiar. But that's not the half of it. If I get better . . . I don't have this . . . thing making me somewhat unique. I have this internal struggle going on, I'm brave and strong for fighting it. So strong for being able to put on that mask and do what I'm doing. And I am - I am brave and strong for doing that. No one would deny that. And in doing this, I'm getting attention. Attention I've been seeking my whole life. Knowing that I'm loved and cared for and needed. And if I get better, that all goes away.
Now, I want to make something perfectly clear: MY DEPRESSION IS REAL. MY BIPOLAR IS REAL. The pain I feel, the emptiness and sorrow and hopelessness - all real. The utter despair that drove me to overdose 3 times - real. NONE of that is fabricated in any way. It's there, it's real, and it sucks. But the reality? I perpetuate it. I let my thoughts spin out of control sometimes. I keep a pessimistic attitude. I temper any joy or happiness I might feel with the thoughts that "it won't last - an hour from now I'll be crying and want to die." I'm not allowing myself to get better because if I get better, the attention goes away.
And that's messed up. I could have easily killed myself with my overdoses and for what? So people can go "oh poor Cami, she has bipolar, she's depressed, but look at how well she's doing! She's an inspiration!" Yes. For that. And to prove to myself that I have worth and that people care about me.
The depression is there - I think it's always there, and will always be there - but I know how to manage it. Sometimes it's a lot harder to do. Genuinely harder to do. And sometimes . . . I make it harder to manage. When I feel myself getting better, I think I make it harder. And when I make it harder, it is harder. And then I spiral. And I let myself, maybe even nudge that. And then I feel like dying and I'm terrified and all I want to do is feel better and not do this again and why the hell am I back where I started??
Because I put myself there. And I'll put myself there time and time again until I finally put my foot down and say enough is enough. Which is what I'm trying to do now.
I'm realistic about my disease. I know I'll have relapses. True, genuine relapses. But if I can manage that shit above? The personality flaws? Then my relapses maybe won't be as severe, or last as long. And that's what I need.
And a swift kick in the ass if I start to self sabotage again. Form a line, people. Form a line.
I want you to know something important. The people who follow you, and love you, and give you attention, yes they think you're strong for fighting your ailments...but the attention you're getting, it's often out of pity. Don't get me wrong, pity isn't bad. Pity isn't demeaning, nor does it makes your problems any less important or powerful. Pity is akin to praise so it still feels good. It's a legitimate reason to egg yourself on in negative ways. Attention is attention right? But pity is...also pity. It's people throwing hope at you, wanting so much for you to be better, and hoping that their attention might make their hopes for you come true...is the attention you're getting really the kind of attention you want? I think you're a strong person because you're able to combat your depression and spiraling thoughts, but at the same time I know you struggle and I tell you you're strong so that you'll believe it too. Even if you don't think you are. People try to share their hope in any way they can...
ReplyDeleteI want you to get better. I don't want you be in pain and suffer. It does take an incredible amount of effort but nothing is won in a day. You're allowed bad and good days, as anyone is. When you become 'normal' you'll still have all the friends and attention you have now! (really, there's no such thing as normal, so swinging bi-polar or not you'll still be unique!) The attention you'll get then, when you've won the war, won't be pity...it'll be admiration. You fought and WON, you're a hero to a war so few can comprehend! But you can describe it to us, and you can tell us how hard it is. And then we can understand, know what you went through, and look at you with a swell of admiration in our hearts. You won. How many people can say that? You won.