Tuesday morning

It's Tuesday morning. In case you couldn't figure that out on your own. You're welcome.

It's about 0920 right now and I have therapy in an hour. I both need therapy today but I'm also anxious about it. My mind is racing a bit at the moment and I feel shaky and fidgety. I woke up feeling okay. Not great, not bad . . . just okay. Which is fine. Then I started to feel a little down. Then I almost burst into tears for no good reason.

As I type this, I feel like I could burst into tear right now. For no reason. I'm slightly down. Not depressed, no feelings of despair or hopelessness. Just a little down. But I feel like I could cry and my mind is going 500 directions at once. I can't even quite figure out what to write or how to word it and thank GOD for spell check.

I'm nervous. My last post was written on Sunday morning. When I was a little hypo but otherwise okay. Sunday afternoon and evening were a different story. We went and saw Thor 2 (which gave me Loki feels and is a good movie, btw) and then went grocery shopping. Within minutes of leaving the theater, I crashed. Hard.

Scary hard.

I tried not to show it and I failed. Miserably. J told me to stop dwelling on whatever it was I was dwelling on. He was trying to be helpful. It only made me bitchier. Because I wasn't dwelling on anything. I literally had no discernible thought in my head. Nothing. Only feeling. And what I was feeling was horrible. Despair, hopelessness, worthlessness, pain, emptiness, hate, profound sadness, and the thought that I really shouldn't go on. That I couldn't do this again. I wanted to not exist.

And that terrified me. So much so I was contemplating admitting myself to the hospital.

But I don't want to do that. I really don't. So I tried to be better. I talked, I tried engaging, I did everything I could to fake it to bring myself up. J started assaulting me (in a good way, y'all. Playfully pushing me, holding me, acting like a loon). My mood only lifted slightly.

I painted when we got home while J worked on the yard. Still yucky. Had dinner. Still yucky. Ever so slightly better, but still yucky.

And then *poof*, I felt okay. *Poof*.  The fog lifted and I was okay. And I joked a little. And I laid on the couch with J to watch the Bronco game. And I was relieved and exhausted. I couldn't make it through the whole game because I was so emotionally exhausted.

Of course, I couldn't sleep either. Tried reading a bit. Didn't help. So I laid in bed with my racing thoughts focused on nothing.

Well, it's 0950 now. Thirty minutes to right just a tiny bit because my brain is so scattered. Off to the bathroom, and then therapy.