Suicide is a touchy subject. It is, isn't it? The proverbial elephant in the room. Mental illness is bad enough, but bring suicide into the mix . . .
There are two things that that really get my goat about talking about suicide. Two stereotypes that people seem to hold onto.
1. People who talk about suicide are looking for attention
2. Suicide is selfish
Going into a talk about suicide with this mindset is a recipe for disaster.
Let me start by saying this: unless you've been at the point where suicide seems like the only answer, you don't get to tell me how I feel. You don't get to tell me to "buck up and look at the bright side."
There are a few things I want to address and I don't think I will do this as eloquently or as straight forward as I would like. My brain is scattered right now.
We all know what suicide is - taking one's life. We all know there is attempted suicide, completed suicide, and suicidal ideation (thinking about suicide). And there are warning signs, which often go unnoticed. I will be addressing the warning signs, don't worry.
Here's a point I want to drive home to y'all: most people who contemplate suicide truly don't want to die. They simply want the pain to stop and they see ending their life as the only way to accomplish this. Let me sat this again: WE DON'T WANT TO DIE.
Have you ever been in that much pain? That much emotional pain that you want to die? I have. Several times. Sobbing, rocking myself, knowing that things can't possibly better, that I'm a burden on my family and friends because of my constant mood swings and neediness. Knowing that my illness, bipolar disorder, will be with me my entire life and that I'll face more episodes like this, worsening depression, mania, and shorter periods of remission. I can't face the truth that I don't feel - that I often don't feel love for my husband or son - I can only fake it. That I don't feel joy or happiness and everything that once has meaning is now dead to me. That sometimes I'm so apathetic I can't even move. It's a physical pain too - exhaustion beyond belief, headaches, nausea. I'd give anything to make it stop. I'd do any thing to make it stop. And in those moments, in those moments of weakness . . . suicide seems plausible. Suicide seems like the only answer.
But I'm lucky. I'm still able to rationalize things. I think of my son and husband and I don't want to hurt them. I mainly don't want to scar my son with losing his mother. He's the reason I haven't taken pills. He's the reason I've had my husband lock up all of my pills in our safe, to which I don't know the combination.
Why am I telling you this? Why am I getting so personal with this? Because it's real. Because it happens. Because an educated, rational, once happy person has recently considered taking a whole bottle of propanolol to end her life - even though she has a wonderful family and group of friends and support system.
I've been talking about suicide lately, about not wanting to exist. I always say that I don't want to die, but that I don't want to exist. If I could just not exist until I felt better. Or that I want to sleep and just not wake up . . . those are words to pay attention to. Those are words of someone looking for help - not someone looking for attention. Do I get attention from saying things like that? You bet your sweet ass I do. I get attention from my hubby and my therapist mainly. My manager. But I need that attention. I need for someone to say, "you matter. You're important. I'm here for you." And that's all. I need to hear that. I have all the reasons I need to kill myself - give me a reason not to. And not by chastising me and telling me that I'll be hurting my family - do you think I don't know that? Trust me - I know that. But part of me thinks they'd be better off without me. Gently remind me that you'd rather have me around, even if I'm depressed and moody and sullen. That you love me no matter what. Don't make it about you. Don't tell me how it would affect you.
So is suicide selfish? In a way, yes. But when you're in that frame of mind, when you see it as your only out, it doesn't seem selfish. It seems like your only saving grace. It seems like you're doing everyone else a favor. When you go on about how my suicide will affect you, about how it will affect your family, my family, my friends, this person and that person, you diminish my feelings. You're telling me that everyone matters more than me and what I'm feeling and what I'm going through. What I'm feeling is real. Even though it may be twisted, illogical thinking, it's real. And to stomp on that, well, it does more harm than good. Acknowledge my feelings, try to understand them - even you you may not. Tell me you care and you want to help. Validate me. Hear me. Let me vent. Don't make my feelings about you.
Let's look at some warning signs for suicide:
1. Talking about suicide
2. Preoccupation with death
3. Feelings of hopelessness/despair
4. No hope for future
5. Self loathing
6. Withdrawing from others
7. "Getting affairs in order"
8. Self destructive behavior
9. Sleep problems
10. Sudden changes in mood or appearance
11. Sudden calmness
If you notice these signs in someone, talk to them. Let them know you care. Ask them about suicide - asking them isn't suddenly going to make them suicidal if they weren't before. On the contrary - it lets them know that you're open to talking to them about it and helping.
I have many things on this list tucked under my belt right now, which is why I'm worrisome to my hubby, therapist and psychiatrist. But we've taken precautions. We've talked openly about it. And I feel safe. Help someone else feel safe. Please.
If you're feeling suicidal, call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at: 1-800-273-8255
Want to more things NOT to say to someone who is suicidal? Read this blog post.
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