Changes

Because we need to shake shit up.

My changes are coming in the form of medication changes. Major ones. Namely, stopping lithium, stopping Wellbutrin, decreasing Lamictal by half, and adding Depakote. All pretty much at the same time. It's a possible recipe for disaster.

Why the changes?

Because I'm treatment resistant. Because my previous combo wasn't working. And because my psychiatrist sent me to a medication specialist because he no longer knows what to do with me. Said specialist thinks that I'm toxic on my lithium and made all of the above recommendations. So we'll try it out and see what happens. I'm nervous as my body doesn't seem to handle med changes very well. And all these changes at once . . . scares me.

The night before last, my first night taking Depakote, I didn't sleep. Well, maybe I got 1-2 hours. Yesterday I was irritable, angry, and depressed. I cried more times than I care to admit. Today I'm depressed yet apathetic. I can't focus. I don't care if I do anything or not. All I'd really like to do, honestly, is not exist. I don't want to die, really, just not exist.

Makes no sense, I know.

It's just that everything that used to give me pleasure doesn't anymore. My creative side - which has always been hugely important - is gone. Completely gone. Playing with my son is a chore - one I would rather avoid. And sex? Seems we're back to the no desire, no arousal, no orgasm phase. At work, at my job that I love, I find myself annoyed and irritable. I find it difficult to relate to or bond with my patients. I don't want to go out with friends.

I want to not exist.

Aside from being depressed, I'm unhappy. I want to be hypomanic. If I could just be hypomanic - controlled hypomanic - well, I don't even know. I'd want to be that way all the time. But that's not feasible or safe.

I need a reprieve from how I've been feeling for the last 2.5 years (and most notably since November). Hopefully this med change will be what I need. Hopefully it will stabilize me. Hopefully it won't make things worse. Time will tell.