I had a great therapy session yesterday, I really did. Everything that was in my last blog post? We talked about that.
He pointed out that I still haven't completely accepted my diagnosis. I mean, I've accepted it, I truly believe I have bipolar disorder, but I haven't fully accepted everything that that entails. For example, even when I'm stable - reeeeeally stable - I can still have wide, wild mood swings for no reason at all. That's just part of bipolar disorder. That truly, for the rest of my life, I have to be hyper vigilant of my moods. I'll have to always monitor my moods, just like a diabetic monitors their blood sugar. There's no real way around it.
I hate that. Like, I really hate that. I wanted to have ECT and just be . . . okay. Normal. But that's just not the case. And it's super fucking frustrating. I don't want to deal with it anymore. I don't want to deal with bipolar disorder anymore.
Holy cow you've been through enough. Don't know if you've had your genetics tested. Look into MTHFR (the mother fucker gene) which affects the way your body makes neurotransmitters and how they break down neurotransmitters also. Another thing to consider is infectious disease, finding a doctor that is knowledgeable in testing for infections that can cause treatment resistant depression. I hope you find relief and some hope!! Hugs!
ReplyDelete