Wednesday

So strange today. I worked, and . . . it was difficult. I started the morning with hopes for a good day. I played myself up, listened to good music on the way in, had my coffee. Actually felt some manic symptoms coming on - racing thoughs, pressured speech. Had to reel those in. Funny thing is, calming themanic symptoms made me irritable. Terribly irritable. Which in turn seems to perpetuate the depression. It's almost like I'm having a mixed episode. And it's extremely annoying. I don't like the constant up and down of moods throughout the day. I haven't really experienced this before.
I also realized that my job tends to make me angry. Tense. Agitated. I don't want to go to work. There are certainly some negative people there that make things worse - and I worked with one today - but overall I don't feel happy there. I've been thinking, for a while now, that it was time for a change. I'm getting bored and jaded in my position. But I don't know what I want to do. NICU and labor and delivery interest me - but NICU only has night positions and there hasn't been a training slot for L&D for 5 or more years. Oncology is another area I'm interested in but again, no open positions. I start thinking that I just need a vacation, that some time away will help. But the problems I see with my job will still be here when I get back. And I wonder if it's because of this bout of depression that I feel the way I do, and once I finally kick the crap out of it, I'll feel better.
I have no idea. I don't know what I want, or what will help. I want to crawl under a rock for awhile and not bother with anything. I hate that this is what I've become. This hollow shell of what I used to be. I know that's the depression talking, but that doesn't make me feel any better. I truly feel that there's no hope or end in sight. I'll have to struggle for every day for the rest of my life. I fear I won't feel "normal" ever again. And that's a scary thought. I'll have to keep wearing my mask, assuring everyone that I'm alright, while a war wages on inside me.
It's hard to be optimistic when you feel like this. My son turns 5 next week and I can't feel excited for him. My friend had her baby and I can't feel excited for her. I DO have a vacation planned for this summer to go to California to visit family and have fun, and I can't feel excited for it. I'm not really sure exactly WHAT I feel. Lots of nothing. Lots of sorrow and despair. Anger, frustration. No TRUE happy feelings. Even when I'm feeling alright there's still this underlying vein of depression, ever present and draining. I can't seem to escape it. Maybe I need to increase my Lithium. Maybe decrease my thyroid meds. Maybe more therapy, or different meds, or meditation, or wholesome foods, or exercise. Who the fuck knows? Not me, that's for sure.
This constant daily struggle is so tiring. Mentally AND physically. No wonder I want a nap. And who knows, maybe a few days, or weeks, or months, or years from now I'll actually be okay.

Blah

The past several days have been rather annoying. It seems that no matter how hard I try, the depression is gaining a foot hold again. More than just background noise, Ted is trying to gain control. I'm struggling to keep him at bay, but so far I'm winning.
The set back is frustrating. So frustrating. I just want to feel better.

I'd Like you to Meet Ted

My last meeting with my therapist went quite well. We were discussing what I'm doing to combat the depressive thoughts and feelings. I told M (let's just call him that, for reasons of privacy) that right now, I feel like the depression is always there - hiding just under the surface, waiting for a moment of weakness to rear his ugly head and take over. M stopped me and pointed something out - I was personifying my depression. Making it into its own entity. Interesting, he said, though not unusual. Most people do that. He said I had done everything but give it a name.
So I did just that.
I'd like you to meet my depression, Ted. Say hello, Ted.

 

Oh bollocks. I've made Ted a cute bastard, haven't I? Too bad he isn't all rainbows and sunshine. No, Ted, quite frankly, is an asshole.

I mean look at him? Stepping on that flower?

 Seriously, Ted. You're a jerk.

The funny thing is . . .now that I've given my depression a name, it's easier for me to joke about it. Easier to laugh about it. And easier to deal with it. Because now I can say "fuck you, Ted." And that feels good.

So, fuck you, Ted.

 Yes it was Ted. Yes it was.

Hope

My latest piece of vent art. Figured I'd share it here. Painted it about 4 weeks ago - colored pencil, coffee, and ink.
Because with desperation, comes hope.

Happy Valentine's Day

My son gave this to me this morning. Because he's awesome. And I love him.

Monday

I've come to realize something. The depression is always there. Just under the surface, waiting for a moment of weakness to rear its ugly head. I've been strong, pushing it back down, smothering it. But it's always there. Sometimes . . .it threatens to take over, to consume me in the spiral. I don't let it . . .but it's hard. I've never had to fight the depression as much as I am right now, with this bout. It's tiring and I often feel like I'm losing hope.
But still . . .I fight. For my son. For my husband. For me.
I don't understand why this bout of depression is different. I don't. I've gone through it before. But it's never been this bad. It's never lasted this long. I've never come close to killing myself, like I did 3 weeks ago. What's different this time?

New Things

This is my first "official" post on this blog. I've copied over posts from my other blog, and published them on the dates they were originally published. Currently, this is a work in progress, and things may change, be added, or deleted. We'll see how it goes.
Enough of that.
Yesterday I felt blah. Today I feel like shit. I'm cranky, irritable, moody, and overall melancholy. I'm having a hard time stopping the feelings. Which is annoying because I've been feeling pretty good.
I don't know if it's because I spent a lot of time yesterday reflecting of my past depressive episodes, trying to find patterns, as well as reading up on "adult children of alcoholic parents" - suggested reading from my therapist. It did lower my mood yesterday. Then, of course, we were watching Dr. Who last night and watched the "Doomsday" episode. Bad choice I think. I cried like a silly fan girl.
At any rate, this needs to stop. Now.