Wednesday

So strange today. I worked, and . . . it was difficult. I started the morning with hopes for a good day. I played myself up, listened to good music on the way in, had my coffee. Actually felt some manic symptoms coming on - racing thoughs, pressured speech. Had to reel those in. Funny thing is, calming themanic symptoms made me irritable. Terribly irritable. Which in turn seems to perpetuate the depression. It's almost like I'm having a mixed episode. And it's extremely annoying. I don't like the constant up and down of moods throughout the day. I haven't really experienced this before.
I also realized that my job tends to make me angry. Tense. Agitated. I don't want to go to work. There are certainly some negative people there that make things worse - and I worked with one today - but overall I don't feel happy there. I've been thinking, for a while now, that it was time for a change. I'm getting bored and jaded in my position. But I don't know what I want to do. NICU and labor and delivery interest me - but NICU only has night positions and there hasn't been a training slot for L&D for 5 or more years. Oncology is another area I'm interested in but again, no open positions. I start thinking that I just need a vacation, that some time away will help. But the problems I see with my job will still be here when I get back. And I wonder if it's because of this bout of depression that I feel the way I do, and once I finally kick the crap out of it, I'll feel better.
I have no idea. I don't know what I want, or what will help. I want to crawl under a rock for awhile and not bother with anything. I hate that this is what I've become. This hollow shell of what I used to be. I know that's the depression talking, but that doesn't make me feel any better. I truly feel that there's no hope or end in sight. I'll have to struggle for every day for the rest of my life. I fear I won't feel "normal" ever again. And that's a scary thought. I'll have to keep wearing my mask, assuring everyone that I'm alright, while a war wages on inside me.
It's hard to be optimistic when you feel like this. My son turns 5 next week and I can't feel excited for him. My friend had her baby and I can't feel excited for her. I DO have a vacation planned for this summer to go to California to visit family and have fun, and I can't feel excited for it. I'm not really sure exactly WHAT I feel. Lots of nothing. Lots of sorrow and despair. Anger, frustration. No TRUE happy feelings. Even when I'm feeling alright there's still this underlying vein of depression, ever present and draining. I can't seem to escape it. Maybe I need to increase my Lithium. Maybe decrease my thyroid meds. Maybe more therapy, or different meds, or meditation, or wholesome foods, or exercise. Who the fuck knows? Not me, that's for sure.
This constant daily struggle is so tiring. Mentally AND physically. No wonder I want a nap. And who knows, maybe a few days, or weeks, or months, or years from now I'll actually be okay.