Tuesday

I've been having a rough go of it recently. It seems I'm in the midst of a mixed episode. I'm irritable, agitated, anxious, nervous, have racing thoughts and pressured speech. I feel impulsive and annoyed. And then I still have depressive thoughts and feelings. I cycle through these extremes several times a day. Feeling like this is difficult and dangerous. Dangerous because I may say or do something I'll regret later. Which has happened. As evidenced by the self inflicted cuts on my left forearm. 14 of them. In a neat little row. I've never really self harmed. Well, I did once in 6th grade and it hurt, so I never did it again. But I did it Friday and Saturday and felt a sense of calm and control - both during and after. By the way, for someone who doesn't have mental illness, the idea of cutting yourself to feel better sounds ridiculous. So keep your thoughts on that to yourself - I don't need your judgement.
I'm starting to feel like there's no end in sight. I know there is, but it doesn't feel like it. That's about all I can muster up to write right now. Perhaps there will be more later - we'll see.