I wish I could cry. I need to. I want to. But I can't. I'm so devoid of any feeling I can't even cry. How sad is that? One of the hallmarks of depression . . .and I can't muster up even one tear. I want to cry, and at the same time, I don't even care.
I don't care what happens. I just don't. I don't feel and I don't care. What a sad, sorry place to be. I want to go to sleep and not wake up. All I want to do is sleep. When I sleep, I don't have to deal with how I feel and how I'm thinking. I don't have to deal with the emptiness and lack of feeling. I don't have to deal with anything.
My ability to cope is growing weaker every day I feel this way. I don't know what else to do to cope. Everything I've done doesn't seem to work. I'm going to start going to church. Hopefully that will help. I'm starting equine therapy. Hopefully that will help. But that, coupled with everything else I'm doing . . .if it's not enough, if my feelings don't improve . . .I don't know what I'll do.
No one can live like this for long. I can barely put on my mask anymore. I think I'm only convincing around my son - and that's shaky at best.
My meds better kick in. Something has to change. Something has to work. I only have so much fight left in me.
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