I probably won't make this one long. It's just been awhile since I last posted. Since my last post (8 days ago, holy crap!), I'm feeling a little more. Everything is still muted. The feelings are there . . .they're just weak, muted, and cloudy. But I'm getting there.
I saw Dr. C on Monday, we're keeping my meds as is (how they were adjusted in the hospital). I see him again in a month.
I saw M last week and yesterday (Wednesday), and I'll still be going weekly. My visits are always good and yesterday I was even able to laugh and joke and genuinely feel it.
About yesterday, I ended up being slightly hypomanic. I had a hard time sitting still, was fidgety, had some racing thoughts and flight of ideas, and pressured speech. It was very mild, but it was there. This morning, down in the dumps, no motivation. Blah.
One thing that I started last week is equine therapy. Yay! I'm working with horses! Equine therapy involves using the horse as a guide to build confidence, peace of mind, and the ability to be in the moment - to be present. It also helps you focus and gives a sense of purpose. Last week I worked with Chance - a lovely quarter horse/Arabian cross. He is very kind and gentle, but let me know when I wasn't paying attention or wasn't connected. I started by brushing him and getting comfortable with him. After that we did lead work - me holding the lead and walking Chance. If you're not confident, if you're not showing you're connected, you're aware, the horse won't follow. And Chance could be stubborn at times. While walking, if my mind started to wander, he would stop. He wouldn't budge until I came back to him, put my hand on his neck, centered myself, and started again. He was very patient. I tried having him follow while off the lead, but he wouldn't have any of it.
Today, Chance was in a therapy group, so I had to choose a different horse. I walked up to several in the pen, and Jesse caught my eye. He was interested in me and thoroughly enjoyed having his forehead scratched. As I moved on to another horse, he followed me. So Jesse it was! He is more assertive than Chance, and more outgoing. Has a lot more spunk. We brought him to the outdoor pen where there were some mares in the field next to it. I took the lead off Jesse as he wanted to investigate the mares. He strutted and galloped and trotted around, huffing and looking all proud. Then he rolled in the dirt and came back to me. I brushed him and we started lead work. Jesse is a bit goofy but very focused and followed me, backed up for me, everything I wanted. I took him off the lead and he followed and did everything I asked. I was so amazed! What a fabulous feeling! Maybe it was because I was more confident, less nervous. Maybe I happened to connect more with Jesse. I'm not sure. But it was wonderful.
N, the gal who is the trainer and part owner working with me, and J, the therapist working with me, were both quite surprised and pleased that I worked so well with Jesse. Next week I'll be choosing between Jesse and Chance. I figure I'll see who I most connect with in the pen when I go.
I'm loving the equine therapy. I truly am. Any chance to be around and working with horses.
That's about all I got right now. I've got stuff on the back burner, but I'm waiting for inspiration to hit. More I want to write about, but I'm not sure how I want to go about doing it.
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