There's so many things that I want to write, that I want to say. So many things going through my head right now. I need to get it all out, get it all in writing, but it's as if I don't have the energy. Or the will. Or both.
I've been through so much over the last 6 weeks. So many things I never thought I'd experience. And I'm tired. And drained. And lost.
I'm still trying to recover from the emotional backlash of my overdose, ER visit, and hospitalization. I'm hoping each day that the medication changes will start making a difference, that all of the changes I've made will start making a difference. It has to happen soon. It has to.
I'm still numb. Numb to everything. I still don't feel. I wouldn't even say I'm necessarily depressed right now. I'm too empty and numb to even feel that. I'm a blank void of nothing. A husk. I don't feel and I don't care. It's a horrible place to be. I just . . .I don't care.
I woke up this morning feeling depressed, tired, empty, and unmotivated. I didn't want to do a thing except lay on the floor or the couch and not exist. I wrestled with this. I should go to the gym, I should sew, or draw or clean. I beat myself up for feeling like I was. So I decided to do nothing. I felt like doing nothing and so that's what I did. Nothing. And I felt good about it. And I napped. And this evening I felt a little better. Not as down, a little more hopeful.
But sadly, that didn't last long. By dinner time the numbness was back. The same familiar feeling that I can't seem to shake. I've grown weary of it. I'm doing everything I can to counteract it. Everything I can think of to change my thinking and behavior. I'm doing everything right. This Friday, in fact, starts my first horse assisted psychotherapy session. I don't know what else to do.
I'm still staying positive, as best as I can. And even though this post may sound doom and gloom-ish, I need to vent about how I'm feeling. I know things will change. I know they will. I just need them to change soon. I can't stand not feeling. I can't stand not caring.
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