Why. . . .

I'm not as depressed as I was 2 days ago . . .thank God for that. I'm not suicidal (though I still have the thoughts) . . .thank God for that. I want to hurt myself (hurt myself bad), but I haven't . . .thank God for that. I have an amazing hubby and son who love me and stand by me . . .thank God for that.

With all of these things to be thankful for, and countless others, why do I still feel like crap? I'm completely empty. Devoid of any feeling. I can't feel joy or happiness or love. All I am is flat and emotionless, save for irritability and anger. And sadness. I can feel sadness. And loss. And frustration. And hopelessness. But as for anything positive . . .the best I can do is to feel nothing.

We went horseback riding today. Something that I love. I love horses. Always have and I've always wanted to own horses. So anytime I can actually go riding . . .well, that's awesome! And so today we went because I thought it would lift my mood. It was supposed to lift my mood. And while I enjoyed my ride, it wasn't as pleasurable as it should have been, as it's been in the past. I was uncharacteristically  quiet and withdrawn. I didn't want to talk - I almost couldn't talk. I just couldn't feel. I was just . . .empty.

And this is horrible. It's a horrible feeling. My son gives me a huge hug and tells me he loves me and I say it back . . .but I feel hollow. Fake. I watch him play or act silly and I fake my smile. I put on my mask for him because I don't want him to know how sick his mommy is. I feel guilty enough that I don't feel what I think I should.

Here's where I'm stuck. Here's where I don't know what to do. I've been told that this will take time. And I get that. But it's been a year. And it's the same cycle. And it's frustrating. And I want to be done with it. And I need more help than I ask for . . .and I still don't want to ask. Because it's an endless cycle that's tiring for everyone and it's the same thing over and over and it doesn't change.

And so I still don't ask.