Well now . . .

I was actually going to write last night. I put it off because I was tired and brain dead and with the stupid "spring forward" time change . . . well, I wanted to get some sleep. Because I'm supposed to be working today (my first day back). But I'll have you notice that I'm writing (and I can't access blogger at work anymore). Meaning I'm home. I was put on call. Sadly, I didn't get the call until I was out of the shower and I wasn't able to fall back to sleep. Boo to that. Now I need coffee.

I cried Friday during my horse therapy. I worked with Chance again - he's a great teacher. Justin, the therapist working with me there, is very perceptive. He pointed something out about me that I've buried and hid and try to ignore. He did this by watching me with Chance. I was trying to get Chance to follow me/listen to me off lead. At first he wouldn't. I picked up his lead again but kept hesitating to let go and try again. Justin called me over and asked me why I wasn't letting go. I wasn't really sure, said I thought that maybe Chance wasn't going to follow. Here's the gist of what he said: "It seems that you don't want to let go because you're afraid to trust that he'll follow you. Is that maybe what you're doing with your negative thoughts? You're holding on to them so tightly because you're scared to let go and trust you'll get better?" That's when I started crying. He asked what was going on right then. And I told him yes, I thought he was right. It's scary to let go. I've been so depressed for so long (15 months) that depression is familiar. We tend to stay with what we're familiar with. I know this. I've KNOWN this. And still I'm stuck there. So I cried. And I took Chance off lead and he followed me and did everything that I asked. And he nuzzled me and leaned on me.

And I think that I really AM stuck there. It's what I'm working so bloody hard on correcting. It's why I'm in therapy, equine therapy, doing positive readings, mood tracking, trying to block negative thoughts and purposefully look for  anything and everything positive. It's why I've been changing my diet, getting to the gym and trying to stay consistent with my sleep schedule. I'm trying to stay calm and relaxed and stay present in the moment. And keeping up with all of these things, all the time, is taxing and exhausting. Especially when I'm not seeing the results I want.

I think I'm going to bring this up with M this week. Because it's true - I can't let go. I can't just let go and trust and be. And if I could, I think I would be much better off.