Today is a bad day

Today is a bad day and I don't really know why. There's no reason it should be. I have ideas, maybe, but I don't know.

Let's start with how I feel, shall we? Today I actually feel depressed. Before, I've just been feeling down, weird, withdrawn, annoyed . . . but not depressed. Today though . . .it's a different story. All the other feelings, they're still there, but now we've thrown in that other one. That one I've been trying to escape from for so long.

So why the change? Why is today so bad? I have only a few ideas, none of them very good. First: I saw M yesterday, and I brought him a copy of my previous post to read. We talked a lot about it and about how maybe I'm trying too hard to be perfect at getting better and still being a wife and mother and RN, etc. Which may be true. I have been trying hard to keep myself from getting worse through the mixed episode and this downward trend. And I haven't truly relaxed much. Not as much as I'd like to. All my days off are spent running around with appointments or errands, or playing with my son (not that that's bad, but it's nice to just sit and read). And then M said that he thinks I'm closer to full depression than I think. I disagreed with him. I'm managing, most days are okay (not great, and I have bad ones, but they're okay), I'm functional. But he said he's a little worried. And my thought with this is, if I had this notion in my head that M thinks I'm getting bad again, maybe it's becoming a self fulfilling prophecy. I don't really believe this, but it's something to think about.

Second: When J got home from work yesterday, we talked a little about my therapy session. He's very apathetic about everything pertaining to my mental health. At least that's how it seemed. Like he's given up and me being depressed is just the "new normal" (his words). This is how it is so why bother trying anything to fix it? He mentioned again how he thinks I latch onto something so that I become more depressed - that I'm doing this on purpose. And I'll be honest - that hurts. And then I start thinking, what happened? What event? What thing? What thought? What whatever that could possibly have started this? And I can't come up with anything. Nothing. But I'm wracking my brain for any explanation. Maybe J has an idea. And maybe he could share it with me. But I just don't know. And maybe this hurt and trying to figure this out is contributing to my mood today - I think this is probably true.

The good news, I guess, is that I got to come home early from work today. Which is a very good thing. I was not in the state of mind to be delivering babies. I'm distracted, irritable, withdrawn, annoyed, depressed, snippy, having trouble concentrating, and feel on the verge of tears.

But I'm home now, and I'm probably going to nap. It's much easier to sleep and ignore how I'm feeling. I don't feel like coping right now. I feel like hiding.