Chance

I worked with Chance today (my therapy horse), along with N and Ju (the trainer/facilitator and therapist). And it was . . . emotional. So very emotional. I let them both read my "epiphany" post to see where I was coming from and how I've been feeling (it's been 4 weeks since I've seen them). N gave me a key chain with Chance on it and tickets to a horsemanship show. I went to put these in my truck before we went to get Chance from the corral and I lost it. Not even 10 minutes there and I lost it (my emotional control - not the key chain).

And that kept up. I walked Chance around the facility (outside) and cried. N and Ju gave me space and let me just be. Chance would put his nose on my elbow every time I would start crying and keep it there until I calmed down. At one point, when we were stopped, he put his soft nose on mine and stayed there, his hot breath rhythmic and soothing. When he finally pulled away, he layed his head on my shoulder. This horse . . . he's amazing. He pulled me from my shell so I could actually feel. Truly, deeply feel.

And what I felt was fear and sorrow and loss. I'm so scared right now. So very scared that I'm slipping and am fast approaching the point of no return. I can't end up how I was before. I don't think I'm strong enough to handle it. And with how I felt yesterday, and my emotional meltdown today . . . I'm scared. And I think I have been, all along, but I was doing such a good job of hiding and ignoring it.

But Chance made me feel safe enough to experience and acknowledge it. And God willing he'll help me beat it.