Meh

It seems that I'm caught in some sort of "no man's land". I'm not depressed. I'm not happy. I'm not . . .anything. I'm at that delightful point where I don't feel anything. I'm flat and withdrawn and don't want to be around people if I can help it. I don't feel anything and I don't seem to care.

 

But that's not true. I actually do care. I want to feel things. I want to have emotions other than irritability, mild depression, and flatness. I want to experience joy and happiness and contentment. Trust me - I want to.

 

For the past several weeks, not much has made me feel truly happy. Not much gives the sense that everything will be okay and that this mood episode will pass. The moments of happiness are fleeting at best. Most of the time I'm flat. I don't feel much, and what I do feel is muted. I get annoyed easily. I get very irritable. I don't handle stress or personal jokes/sarcasm very well. I'm not me.

 

And yet I wouldn't say I'm depressed. Not like I was before. Not by a long shot. I'm just sort of . . .here. I exist. That's about as good as it gets. And here's the annoying part - I want to change this. I'm trying to change this - and I can't. Not effectively. Everything I was doing before I went off the Cymbalta - mindfulness, being present, meditation, etc - isn't as effective. And I'm so apathetic about everything that I don't even care to try.

 

Except I do care. And I try, but it's not as effective. And I try, but maybe not as hard as I should. And I try, but I feel like it doesn't matter because this isn't going to change. This isn't going to get better. It does, for a short time, and then I relapse. I relapse and that solidifies the thought that this isn't going to change. This isn't going to get better.

 

A year and a half ago I had a "mood event" (for lack of a better term). I crashed. It was 2 years in the making of a slow downward spiral culminating in a near suicide attempt the day after seeing Dr. C and M for the first time. It's been a constant, daily struggle since. I'm depressed, I start doing relatively well, I go mixed, get well, depression, slightly better, MAJOR depression, get well, mixed, and now flat, withdrawn, apathetic. Every day is a struggle. Trying to stay in the moment and not worry about the past or future. Trying not to overthink things. Trying to manage my feelings without micromanaging them. Trying to be zen and mindful and relaxed and find the joy in little things. Trying to stay positive. Trying to reign in racing thoughts, pressured speech, impulsivity, and my inappropriate mouth. Trying not to think back to how depressed and close to death I was. Trying to remind myself that life is worth living and trying desperately to convince myself that things will get better and the days won't be as difficult. Trying to do all this while keeping it hidden from everyone so no one knows what's going on.

 

See, people have been through my mood episodes before. My family and close friends saw me through my overdose and hospitalization. I'm supposed to be better. I don't want them to get annoyed with me or tired of the same thing over and over again thanks to my mood instability. It's hard on them too. So I keep it hidden from them and try not to talk about it. I don't want people to think I'm looking for attention. I'm not. And I don't want them to be stressed or concerned. 

 

And so I'm trying my best without really trying my best because it's too hard aymore to try even though I really want to. I'm existing and functioning but not much more. I see Dr. C on the 18th. Maybe we'll adjust or add something. Maybe I'll continue to not care. I don't know.