So remember my last post? The one about the desert and me not feeling and giving up because this is as good as it gets? (scroll down or click HERE)

Well, this is frustrating. Because that's how I feel. Most of the time. And then I get a wild hair up my ass and decide that NO. Fuck you. This is NOT as good as it gets. This is a speed bump and I WILL get better.

I got that hair up my ass on Friday, after working with Chance. And hubby, the boy and I went camping and had a lovely weekend. And I relaxed and felt a little better and was able to actually enjoy myself. Which was HUGE.

But I didn't sleep well, and I was tired. And then Monday happened and I was at work and I was cranky and irritable and tired. And one thing I'm trying to do is to separate what symptoms/feelings are from the bipolar vs what's regular human experience. The crankiness and irritability was normal. I was tired. I didn't want to be at work and it was busy.

However, I also felt distant and empty and hopeless and alone. And that is the bipolar. I'm getting better at identifying which is which. But I'm anal about it. I stress over it. I mull it over in my head trying to figure out every little minute detail. Which is certainly not healthy.

And I have days like today (and most of the past week, really), where that bipolar side is strong. Where I want to curl up in a ball and not exist. Or sleep because I don't know what else to do to cope with what I'm feeling. I try to ignore it. I try to acknowledge and move past it. I try not to obsess over it. I try to joke and talk and stay engaged and not isolate myself. I try to stay positive when all I feel is dead inside.

I don't know what to do.

I feel like friendships and my marriage are suffering. I feel like I'm neglecting everything I should be doing. Everyone puts up with so much from me and I'm tired of having to rely on them. I'm tired of wearing them out. I'm tired of wearing me out.

I know I'm pushing myself too much. I know I'm the "perfect little ACOA" and that's not helping my cause (according to M). I'm too hard on myself. I don't relax enough. I don't allow myself to enjoy anything. Maybe I'm too caught up in needing to "figure all this out" - I'm striving for control rather than managing the bipolar, and that's unrealistic.

But I still don't know what to do.

I relaxed last weekend. I'll relax this weekend (we're camping again). I'm trying not to think about things, but my mind races with what ifs. I can't seem to stop it. Or, conversely, it's blank and empty and I can't focus on anything.

And so I'm still floating along, tethered by a thread, in my cocoon of nothingness - seeing but not feeling, doing but not experiencing. And it's stupid and it's frustrating and I'm sick of it.