Crawl

Looking back from here, I have to wonder
Just how much did I think that I could take?
So I'll throw my hands up and drag myself through
And I'll kick my feet, cause I've learned to crawl
It's really impressive
When I was just drowning. . .

Everything has been so frustrating lately. My moods are still a bit everywhere. I'll have a good day followed by a bad one or series of bad ones or one where I'm just kinda . . . there. And my good days? They aren't really all that good. They're better, but I'm still pretty withdrawn and flat. My bad days? There more so withdrawn and flat, but with the depressive undertones thrown in for good measure. Why not . . .

But let's be honest - I'm getting real tired of this. This feeling of just skimming the surface. I've checked out - I'm distracted, disinterested, and withdrawn. I don't want to be involved in anything. Yesterday I was put on call, thank God. I spent the day sewing - plowed through FOUR zombie cats - a machine like drone so I wouldn't have to deal with how terrible I was feeling. It was a nothing-matters-why-the-fuck-am-I-even-alive kinda mood. So bad.

And even on my better days I still feel like everything is pointless - it's just that on my better days it's easier for me to ignore these thoughts/feelings. I do everything right and still . . . still I feel like this.

I have other thoughts in my head, but I'm too brain dead to get them out right now. Things I want to elaborate on, things I want to explore . . . another day.