A little bit about today

I'm going to write about today I think. Maybe more. I'm not sure yet.

See, today was one of those annoying days. One of those days where I feel confused, frustrated, utterly lost in my own skin. One of those days I really hate the mood swings of bipolar disorder. A day where I could burst into tears at any moment for any reason or no reason. Where I have so much purposeless, nervous, kinetic energy that I don't know what to do so all I can do is sleep. And that's what I did. I took a nap. But it was short and light and I couldn't turn off my brain and I was so fidgety and just . . . UGH that I went downstairs to box. Sometimes boxing helps. Today, it didn't.

My son had a cub scout thing today. A hike in a park, geo caching, ultimate frisbee. Fun kid stuff. And fun for the kids. Me? Not so much. Today reinforced that I don't really like kids - except for my own. I'm not good with them. They annoy and confound me. My hubby? He's fabulous with them. He jumped right in there with the scout leaders, working with the kids. I stood back and felt awkward. Probably looked it, too. And I didn't want to socialize. At all. Probably because of feeling everything above, being around screaming kids, and it being bloody hot out. I think I did okay . . . except for wanting to crawl out of my skin.

Dumb thing is, if I had stayed at home, I have no idea what I would have done. I have a feeling I would have stared motionless at the wall, too overwhelmed by my feelings to do much of anything. I would have accomplished nothing. Because of this, I've been keeping my days off busy. If I have appointments, errands to run, cleaning to do . . . I can't spend time thinking about my moods. The more I'm distracted, the better I do.

I'm just frustrated. I just want to be better and not have the mood swings. I'm focused so much on not self sabotaging and stopping negative self talk that I truly expect I'll just *poof* be better and everything will work out perfectly and I'll be okay and happy. And, well, I'm shit outta luck there because sadly, that's not how the world works. That's not how bipolar works.

I know I'll have these bad days. I fucking know this. I know I'll have full on mood episodes. I fucking know that too. But I forget. Because in my mind, I should be better

That's all I got. I'm too pissy and annoyed and close to tears to write anything else. Tomorrow will be better. I got shit planned.