Remember how I've been saying I was going to do a real post? Well, here it is. Kind of. I think.
I've been working a lot on staying positive. Identifying negative thoughts and behaviors and stopping them. Fostering healthy thinking. And I've been doing pretty well with all that. Making some headway it would seem. And I'm grateful for this. There's even times when I think I'm feeling "okay", where I'm feeling "normal". Maybe even feeling like "me". Which is strange and wonderful and still a bit confusing.
Last Friday, while working with Chance, I had another revelation type moment. N and J had me ground drive Chance. Don't know what ground driving is? You've seen horses pull carts, right? Well, imagine me as the cart. I walk behind Chance, directing him with the long reins just as if I was in the cart behind him. Neither of us has done this. But N sent us off on our own after showing me the basics. The first 10 minutes or so was chaos. Neither of us knew what we were doing, there was miscommunication between us and we floundered about looking like idiots. Or at least I looked like an idiot.
But then something magical happened - we connected. We got it. We drove and it went smoothly and it was awesome. And then the tractor came. And spooked Chance. Surprisingly, I stayed calm, pulled his head around so he could see me and talked to him, calmed him down. We stood for 5 minutes or so and just relaxed. Breathed. And then we moved on, as if nothing had happened. When we came back to N and J, they had things to say. First, why did we stop? I told them, and explained that we needed a minute to calm and collect before we moved on (and from a driving/horse training stand point, that was exactly the right response). Next question: you had a rough start. Did you feel like you couldn't do it? Did you feel like a failure? Well, no. Neither of us knew how to do this. We had to figure it out - it's not going to be perfect.
Oh? Said J. So you're doing something new, something different, and it didn't have to be perfect? And you didn't worry or beat yourself up over it? Isn't how you're trying to work through your moods new and different? Yet you try to be perfect . . . and you beat yourself up when you're not.
A light went on. M has been drilling this into me since I met him. My hubby has been drilling this into me for God knows how long. But it took working with Chance to make it actually click. To make me actually see what I've been doing, how I hold myself to so high a standard and then beat myself up if I don't reach that standard.
And what a concept! To work through this new way of being, stumbling now and then but dusting myself off, moving forward and going easy on myself. This is a new way of doing things, of being, for me. I won't be perfect. And that's okay! I'll get through it, I'll learn, and I'll be okay.
But I'm me. And this is hard. Amazingly hard. Stupidly hard. I have to really think, really concentrate. And I'm too analytical. Which, in this instance, is probably not helpful.
M gave me homework last week - a mood diary. I have to track my moods throughout the day, what's going on during that time, etc. Kinda like a food diary. So I'm tracking them, writing them. I'm a good, perfect little ACOA doing my homework. And this week we discussed my previous week's entries. And by discuss, I mean M had me read them aloud and then we discussed. Which is good, which is fine, and reiterates the fact that my mood shifts are often within the realm of "normalcy". They're not too far out there. And that's a wonderful thing! I'm not being completely ruled by my mood swings!
Except that I am. In a different way. Every time I have a mood shift that seems slightly outside the norm, I analyze it. Was that normal? Was that an aspect of bipolar? How can I tell? I recognize this and I tell myself to stop - that isn't important! What's important is trying to stay in the moment - it doesn't matter if the mood was caused by a normal shift or bipolar (unless the mood is exaggerated and/or out of control). So I acknowledge it, write it down, try to ignore it and downplay it and move on.
And then I end up obsessing over it. And analyzing it in spite of myself and my best intentions. Because this is what I do. This is what I always do. This is what I'm trying to correct. Because it can lead to another spiral if I let it. Which seems to always lead to depression.
Funny thing is, I don't feel depressed. I'm not sure I could make myself feel depressed. But I'm still trying to. Or at least still hanging on to these "bipolar swings", playing up their significance. Trying to convince myself that every emotional shift is the bipolar disorder and not me. Because remember? I'm ACOA. I'm bipolar. I'm different because of this and so I don't fit in and I have to categorize myself and give myself these labels - because I've held so tightly to them, and for so long that I don't know how to let go.
And there's still that part that doesn't want to let go. It's almost like a drug. Depression is my drug. I've become dependent on it to govern how I act, how I see myself, and how others relate to me. If I feel good, I start jonesing for that familiar depression. I'm a druggie - and drug addiction is a hard habit to break.
But I'm trying. By God am I trying. And I'm stumbling. So I dust myself off. I move forward. And I fight the urge to shut down and spiral. I've come a long way over the last year and 9 months. . . but that drug . . . it tempts me. It haunts me.
Say no to drugs y'all. And God DAMN that was a ramble!
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