Why I Hate Myself: The Synopsis

I am hating on myself BIG TIME today. And nothing I'm trying to stop the self hate is working. So, here's the scoop *shifty eyes*:

1. I've had a bad week mood wise. I've had some very rough days involving lots of crying. I've had one day where I felt relatively okay most of the time, and one day of extreme irritability and hatred, followed by contempt and defeat after talking with my mom on the phone.

2. I'm beating myself up over said bad week of moods. Again, I should be past this, I should be okay, I shouldn't have to try so damn hard or struggle constantly against myself. I should be able to let go. But I can't or I don't or I won't and so I continue to struggle.

3. Weight. I've gained weight. I feel fat and disgusting and hate how my clothes fit and this makes me want to eat more and eat shitty food which perpetuates the weight gain. I need to get my ass back in the gym and working out consistently and I haven't. Making excuses. Some is actual time restraints, most is excuses.

4. My complexion. I am SO FUCKING SICK of my constant, unrelenting acne. And it's not like it's a couple pimples here and there - it's my entire face (and neck, and back) full of  large, small and often painful acne. And scarring. And discoloration. I have to wear a lot of makeup but I hate looking like I'm wearing a lot of makeup. And it cakes. And it looks obvious, and makes me self conscious.

5. My hair. I'm growing it out and it doesn't do what I want it to and it annoys me and I want to tear it out sometimes. Or chop it all off again (which I know I'll regret). I colored it, but my roots are showing and I hate spending the money to get it touched up. And I've had issues with store bought dye. And it's not long enough to pull into a pony tail without using 76 bobby pins to hold it in place.

6. Refer to numbers 1-5 as I keep ruminating over them even thought I'm desperately trying not to.

So I'm in a foul mood and I feel like crying but I'm not letting myself because I've spent too much time crying this week already. And I'm trying to "fake it till I make it" to bring my mood up.  And trying to think positive (doesn't seem like I am, reading the above - which is why I'm typing it out - purging it).

Yep. There ya go.