Thoughts. . .

There's a part of me that thinks that I'm truly getting worse. That my mood swings are getting deeper, harder to manage. That on some days (the last three days) they've been coming more often. That I'm definitely not coping as well as I think I should be.

 

There's a part of me that thinks I should take some time off to stabilize. To let the meds start working, really working, and safely gauge the side effects without jeporadizing my job. That this is the smart thing to do.

 

There's a part of me that is terrified that I'm getting worse and will need to be admitted again and that I won't ever really get better. That I won't get through this.

 

There's a part of me that thinks all of the above is a bunch of shit and that I'm weak for not doing better, for not being better. That I've coped for so long so why should this be any different? That I'm weak for thinking about taking time off and that I'm just trying to skirt my responsibilities.

 

See, on some days, I have a decent portion of the day where I'm semi stable. Where I have mood fluctuations but they're more mild, more tolerable. And I should be able to manage that. I should be fine.

 

But then there are days where I'm anything but stable. Where my mood swings are wild and out of control and are not managable. Where I feel like the world is crumbling down around me and I can't possibly go on.

 

And on my better days, my days where I think of myself as semi stable, I still have bad swings. I still get the extremes. And they come without warning. I never know how many I'll have, how long they'll last, or how bad they'll be.

 

I'm still having cognitive deficits. I still forget what I'm saying. I still feel slow.

 

I'm tired all the time. Since I've been on the Latuda I've been tired all day every day. I don't know if the cognitive deficits (which have started getting worse again) are from the Latuda or remnants of the Zyprexa. Or my worsening bipolar disorder. My apetite is through the roof thanks to the medication. If I keep this up I'll gain 20 pounds easy - think of how much that will help with my depression!

 

I'm at a loss as to what to do. Take time off, relax, get more stable? But beat myself up mercilessly over it?

 

Or keep plugging along, doing what I've been doing until I run myself into the ground or worse but feel "better" about how hard I tried? Keeping some sefl-esteem intact.

 

What do I do? It's stupid that I'm so torn.