It's been around 3 weeks since my last post. Why so long? Because I don't want to post negative post after negative post. I've written some, I've just never published them.
I saw my pdoc, oh, I don't know, 2.5 - 3 weeks ago? Something like that. She said that we should be able to manage my depression better. So she upped my seroquel from 300mg to 400mg. She said that on doses up to 300mg seroquel works on mania and as a sleep aid. At doses over 300mg, it works on mania and as an antidepressant. She's confidant that this will work. I see her again on the 17th.
Long story short, it's not helping much. My depression is still bad. Most days I battle with suicidal ideation. This past Saturday was particularly bad as I was actively suicidal and wanted to slit my wrists. Luckily hubby was with me all day. I didn't quite let on how bad I was though (I don't want to go back to the hospital).
I want to spend all my time sleeping. That way I don't have to deal with how I'm feeling. I've been reading a lot to escape too. And art. I've been drawing.
I'm really getting tired of this. This stupid depression. I'm trying so hard to stay positive and yet it beats me down. I tell myself over and over that life is worth living, but the majority of the time I don't feel that way. I do have good moments, sometimes even a pretty good day, but they're few and far between. It's mostly me trudging through, faking it, forcing myself to talk and interact. I had started pulling away from hubby and son and I talked to him about it - I can't let myself pull away.
I still feel distant though. I feel like a lie.
I'm trying not to talk about this much, to anyone really, because 1. I don't want to be a burden, 2. I don't want to seem selfish and self absorbed, 3. I don't want people to think I've brought this on myself, and 4. I'm hoping minimizing/ignoring/denying how I feel will help (I'm aware that this is not the best tactic and usually doesn't work - and yet I try it anyway).
I'm done for now. Maybe I'll write more later, maybe not. I'm trying not to go to in depth as I don't want to break down right now.
Ugh.
It is most welcome that you are keeping up, and that you maintain your dosage. Stuff like that is easy to miss, because you could just as well ignore it, or take it in stride. However, depression is a social problem as much as a chemical problem, so you should utilize all means and resources to deal with it completely in all those respects. Thanks for sharing that! Wishing you all the best!
ReplyDeleteBrandi Kennedy @ Restoration Counseling Boise