Bit of a conundrum

Yes. I'm facing a conundrum.

Remember how my hope went *poof*? Well. I decided to try something. See, I'm not all that hopeful that increasing my seroquel is going to do anything for the depression. I'm not hopeful at all, actually.

So I did something.

Last night I skipped taking my seroquel.

Yep. I didn't take it. And I didn't sleep. Maybe 3 hours? Maybe? And this morning I was wide awake and felt deliciously hypomanic. Well, not too high actually - just good. Awake, good, even.

And then I got tremors - like, bad. And some anxiety.

We went to my mom's house this morning to do Christmas there as I work tomorrow (xmas). My brother and his family was there, hubby's mom and brother, and it was okay.

We were there for 2 hours and towards the end my mood was starting to plummet. Probably a combo of lack of sleep and extended family time. Right?

I've been working on my book this afternoon, actually accomplishing something, getting a little more direction with it.

My mood right now is weird. I'm a little anxious and feel . . . weird. Just, weird. I feel a little down, empty, tired, dizzy almost, lightheaded at times, and there's some irritability creeping in. The depression isn't as pressing as it normally is, which is nice, but it's certainly not gone. But I have some of the underlying hypomania.

My conundrum: do I skip the seroquel again and see what happens? See if I get more hypo? Or do I take it as prescribed, like a good girl, and hope that 600mg lifts my depression?

I work tomorrow, so if I skip the seroquel again, and get more hypo . . . well, it could be decidedly not good. But I have klonopin in my purse to knock me down.

I keep thinking that I should be good, I should be compliant and take my meds as prescribed. I mean, Mary told me not to stop the seroquel (or any med on my own). And I know better. I know better than to just to stop taking a med. Especially cold turkey. When I skipped doses of geodon I had rebound depression - bad. Would that happen with missing another dose or 2 of seroquel? Or hypomania? Or mixed?

I want to miss another dose, but I'll admit - I'm scared to.

I was originally put on an antipsychotic for mania - I was hospitalized a year ago November for that. And, I really haven't had mania since then (well, I've had some of the irritable hypomania sporadically, or an hour or two of slightly euphoric mania). But for the most part? Nothing. Depression.

I had a brief 2 month span this past summer where I felt pretty stable. Then boom - horrid depression again.

So what do I do? Stop seroquel on my own against the advice of my psych doc (and therapist)? Or keep taking it and hope against hope that the increased dose helps?

Gaaaaaaahhhhh!!! I hate this! Why can't shit just work?

Fuck me.